This is a long thread that i had to copy from reddit to be able to share with you, however, it is such entertainment, i was pushed over the edge of my yes decision to post it. If your mind works anything like mine, then this will give you several SEVERAL good hard (possible hours) of laughs!! I hope you enjoy it as much as i did! Oh Atherton…….
(to be able to read this in a more cohesive format, go to reddit’s link here: http://www.reddit.com/r/firstworldproblems/comments/18gsc4/police_blotter_for_atherton_ca_where_the_median/ )
[–]Freakazette 244 points 1 day ago
Some of these are even better if you read the ones right next to them. Like, the actual real crime makes some of these more ridiculous.
[–]evilawesome 28 points 14 hours ago
Someone is having a pretty good time being the police blotter writer for the San Jose Mercury News.
[–]pianobadger 25 points 15 hours ago
When I was going through it I looked at a couple of the real crimes for context and the ones I read cracked me up more than the rich-people paranoia.
A previously stolen van was stolen a second time.
and
Two men at a massage parlor requested sexual favors.
[–]duggtodeath 472 points 1 day ago
This is amazing. Those people have nothing else to do. They have no worries. No fears. Nothing! So they sit back and manufacture threats, such as the guy who was literally doing nothing beyond walking at an “odd” hour. But it does look like the writers are having some fun with these non-stories 🙂
[–]shagvanman 68 points 22 hours ago
I liked the one under Redwood City I believe that said something about a suspicious looking man that was peering into cars and he looked like the type who’d be “packing heat”. haha!! that is awesome.
[–]duggtodeath 115 points 20 hours ago
They went a long way to avoiding saying a man is black.
[–]bythewaves 50 points 18 hours ago
I like to imagine every time these people meet a black person they get a huge adrenaline rush as their body goes into fight or flight mode, which culminates in a distressed police call full of stuttering, sniffles, and hyperventilation.
[–]cwmoo740 19 points 16 hours ago
Sadly, you’re not too far from the truth. I knew a total of 2 kids who were half-black while I was growing up and never actually talked to a black adult until I was about 16. I grew up in an extremely wealthy white/asian/persian neighborhood near Atherton and the racism there is well hidden, but only because there were no black people in sight.
[–]Doctor_Loggins 39 points 17 hours ago
Don’t worry, ma’am, the police are on their way with blankets and hot cocoa!
[–]jimboslice11 5 points 15 hours ago
As I was laughing at this one I realized this was outside my house…immediate checked to make sure doors were locked
[–]fallingwalls 18 points 21 hours ago
I’ve always wondered why rich neighborhoods have low crime and poor neighborhoods have high crime. If you were looking to break in to someones house and steal their stuff, would you want to do it to a poor person with nothing inside, or drive to the rich neighborhood and rob them instead?
[–]opossumfink 30 points 18 hours ago
That one made me want to drive a POS car back and forth all around that place.
[–]Untoward_Lettuce 4 points 13 hours ago
They are obviously hiding in plain sight. Particularly the ones singing, ♪♫”I’m not gonna rob nobody, no way, I ain’t no burglar, no not today. Doo dat dee dat dee dat.”♩♬
[–]Gumburcules 3 points 8 hours ago
Police care about rich people.
That’s the key right there. When I lived in NE DC (a very high crime area) the police showed up an hour or two after you called, if they showed up at all. I now live in a much nicer part of the city, and the last time someone got mugged they had 4 or 5 cars out combing the streets and alleys within minutes.
[–]KissMyAsthma321 6 points 17 hours ago
Because it was after 6PM. What kind of peasant must you be to not be wearing black tie at that hour?
[–]statedtheobvious 90 points 21 hours ago
Apparently they’re scared shitless by delivery men.
[–]texture 50 points 20 hours ago
I have a buddy who lives in the nicest part of town. It’s a 20 minute drive from the next nearest part of town, which is also a nice part of town. It’s another 20 minutes to get to a bad part of town.
He locks the door inside of his garage, then shuts his garage door. If you leave the house without locking the inner door and he finds out, he will harass you about it. He is afraid of the black neighbors that moved into the half million dollar house across the street.
[–]duggtodeath 70 points 19 hours ago
So he thinks they can afford a half-million dollar house but will still get the twinge in the middle of the night to rob his place because of their negroid genetics?
[–]CavitySearch 20 points 17 hours ago
Don’t you realize how they got the house? They robbed their way into it! Hell, they probably STOLE THE HOUSE!
[–]Middleman79 4 points 14 hours ago
So are you like a sports star or something? Yeah, I play for the Cucamunga Cracker-Killers. You want tickets? Hey easy bro! You don’t need to call up your posse to do a 187 in my ass.
[–]BurgerFriesBeer 4 points 4 hours ago
A friend of mine lives in the nice part of town. Black couple moves in down the street. Neighbors flip their shit and talk about moving etc. My friend actually goes and introduces herself. The black couple? A doctor and a lawyer. The fucking Huxtables moved in and people are scared to death. Ironically, their combined educations far outstrip anyone else on the block by a mile.
[–]sweettea14 26 points 18 hours ago
My front door is full of glass, so I hide when I see the delivery man coming up because I want him to just put the package down and leave.
[–]specialcharacters 36 points 21 hours ago
Apparently they have a hard time looking a package straight in the face. I don’t.
[–]orangesrkay 52 points 21 hours ago
They have no worries. No fears.
They seem paranoid if you ask me.
[–]ABeautifulLoser13 16 points 17 hours ago
My Grandpa in Atlanta, Il is like this. I swear everyone in that town is over 75 and white. Although, I have been told that they have a gang of 13 year olds who sit in the park and do homework. My step-grandwitch complains all the time about them and how dangerous they are. I’m like what are they gonna do? Shank you with their math tables?
[–]specialcharacters 9 points 15 hours ago
A few years ago I went to check out a room for rent in Woodside. Beautiful house! The catch was, the guy wanted me involved in these gay fisting parties that took place at the house every Sunday afternoon.
[–]SenatorPikachu 10 points 21 hours ago
perhaps to these people, these are threats.
[–]cwmoo740 5 points 16 hours ago*
Actually that’s not entirely true. I grew up in an equally wealthy neighborhood very close by to Atherton and we had our fair share of crime, especially against seniors. It wasn’t too uncommon for 80 year olds to be mugged, robbed, or murdered in their home (about once or twice a year). My house was also robbed when I was about 5, although no violence. That being said, 90% of the police blotter was stupid shit like this and police pulling up to cars late at night to bust teenagers either having sex or smoking pot or both.
*Edit about 100 burglaries per year, 15 assaults, 10 robberies. Low crime, but I remember it was disproportionately against senior citizens. They do have SOMETHING to worry about.
[–]IanAndersonLOL 4 points 19 hours ago
I’ve spent a lot of time in Atherton the people who live there are typically not the “normal” silicon valley types. They’re typically also very old. I’m sure they’re good meaning. If they saw someone in black pants and a dress shirt walking around after midnight, I’m sure they were concerned he might be drunk or something.
[–]theramennoodle 1 point 19 hours ago
I suppose I could understand why someone might call the police if their cat was lost so that if they saw it they could return it but other than that they are pretty ridiculous.
[–]SweetieKat 165 points 1 day ago
I used to live off Selby Lane. My parents now live off of Oak Grove a bit past the 200 block mentioned in the article.
My mom was recently complaining about how her Mercedes Benz didn’t have real leather seats.
[–]NotSoHelpfulGuy 45 points 20 hours ago
Dear Atherton,
Thanks for making us look tough.
Love, Palo Alto
[–]Gian_Doe 25 points 20 hours ago
That’s goddamn ridiculous. This is a far bigger first world problem than the OP. A Merc with fake leather is like buying a supercar with an automatic transmission, fucking blasphemy of the highest degree.
Cheap motherfuckers selling $80 thousand dollar cars with fake leather seats then telling you, “hey, it still feels the same!”
I wonder if Bimmer does the same thing on the new M3, I’ve been thinking of finally getting a car here in NYC but I had no idea car companies were building them with cheap materials like that recently. Wish I was kidding but this actually pisses me off. Luxury cars without leather, what thefuck.
[–]lospolloslocos 14 points 20 hours ago
the only mercedes and bmw cars with leatherette (pleather/fake leather) are the entry level cars, like the c250 and the 328i
[–]Middleman79 2 points 14 hours ago
Must be an American spec, in Europe we would not tolerate such an atrocity!
[–]SweetieKat 4 points 19 hours ago
Fake leather seats and a no-wood steering wheel. My mom is really roughing it.
[–]lolwut_noway 48 points 23 hours ago
While I was reading these, I definitely got the impression I shouldn’t fuck with Selby Lane
[–]Ultra-ChronicMonstah 58 points 22 hours ago
The day I left Selby Lane was the day I left the hood behind.
[–]A_perfect_sonnet 92 points 23 hours ago
There are a few of these type of towns in MA as well, although not quite as rich.
Some gems I’ve seen are “Resident reported a crow walking across the street into the woods” and “Man walking on sidewalk at unusual hour- 10PM”
[–]RagingOrangutan 53 points 20 hours ago
I grew up in one of those towns in MA. My favorite one was a woman’s basement had flooded, and she needed help removing the ducks that were swimming around in there.
[–]A_perfect_sonnet 3 points 16 hours ago
My favorite part of these incidences is the utter lack of general constitution to go outside and say hi. Everyone is so egotistical that it is their problems are the only one that matter, yet they’re too trivial to deal with themselves.
[–]Se7en_speed 40 points 21 hours ago
My favorite is the Redwood city one about a man ripping a speaker out of the wall and going back to lunch
[–]GoodGrades 29 points 21 hours ago
Anyone confused about the empty chair in the tree report should read this:http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/09/20/13989510-empty-chair-lynchings-anti-obama-protests-gone-too-far?lite
[–]YachtRockRenegade 16 points 20 hours ago
It’s always the well-off ones, isn’t it. Better off than 98% of the world’s population, and completely angry that they can’t be slightly more well off.
[–]mittelhauser 56 points 18 hours ago
For those who don’t know, Atherton is the most expensive city in Silicon Valley. It’s where many of the tech executives and venture capitalists live.
Those of us who live and work nearby have enjoyed browsing these police blotters for years. Not sure how I missed the obvious karma of collecting them for Reddit’s enjoyment. Kudos to the OP.
[–]dryersheets 6 points 16 hours ago
Thank you I didnt feel like googling atherton ca so you are exactly why i came here.
[–]WhiteWhale42 67 points 20 hours ago
I grew up in Atherton. A man once threatened to sue my family for everything we’re worth because our dog looked at him while he was riding his bike.
We’re a safe town ok. The police took my bong once and only refused to give it back because I couldn’t produce sufficient proof that it was mine.
[–]duggtodeath 27 points 19 hours ago
The police took my bong once and only refused to give it back because I couldn’t produce sufficient proof that it was mine.
This is the most amazing thing I have ever read on the Internet — ever!
[–]Zomgondo 21 points 14 hours ago
This is pretty standard for California cops. I once had a cop shine his flashlight on a joint and a rolled up receipt on the floor of my car… he picked up the receipt and said “is this a joint?” and then unrolled it and said “oh. I bet that Snickers bar was delicious. Have a good night and if you do have any joints you shouldn’t leave them on the floor.”
[–]Sam0109 63 points 19 hours ago
I live right next to Atherton ( in Menlo Park), and literally nothing ever happens there. The cops are so bored they pulled over and questioned my friend and I while we were biking late at night (around 12:00). They said, and I quote, “You aren’t doing anything illegal but we have nothing else to do, so we pulled you over. We just wanted to make sure you guys were all right.” Then we joked about the people in Atherton and went home. Nicest cop encounter I’ve ever had.
[–]Zomgondo 5 points 14 hours ago
I live up in the violent ghetto that is the Diablo Valley / 680 corridor. I once got pulled over in Alamo because my friend took a picture from the car and the camera flash upset the neighbors. The cops (yes, it took multiple vehicles to take us down) threatened to arrest us for disturbing the peace.
[–]Buckbeak69 135 points 23 hours ago
A man on campus at Sacred Heart School reportedly followed a janitor around and asked odd questions
Replace school for hospital and you’ve got these two
[–]JimboJimboSlicee 4 points 18 hours ago
I was thinking more the time that JD and Turk got the interns to follow Hooch around.
[–]sacundim 23 points 19 hours ago
New York Times story on Athertonians scared of mountain lions
You would think that if you plunked down $10 million for a home, including millions to buy three adjoining properties, you could count on a little freedom to roam. But then the occasional mountain lion traipses across your land and, if you are Barbara Proulx [wife of Tom, a founder of the software company Intuit], you feel trapped, afraid to let your two young sons out by themselves because of the dangers lurking outside.
New York Times story on a carefully planned $100,000 wine cellar heist in Atherton.
ATHERTON, Calif. — It was perhaps the most Californian of crimes. Behind the electronic gates and freshly clipped hedges of an exclusive cul-de-sac, the thieves worked in the dead of night, ignoring watches, laptops and other ho-hum booty to cart away the ultimate prize: 450 bottles of wine, including a rare $11,000 1959 magnum from the Château Pétrus in Bordeaux, France.
San Francisco Chronicle story on the wealthiest towns in the Bay Area, including Atherton and neighboring Woodside. They note how Woodside has more of a community feeling than Atherton, because if you go to Woodside you can actually meet residents at the shopping district, whereas at no-retail-establishments-by-town-charter Atherton:
A few miles southeast, in Atherton, it was hard to find a rich person in sight. That’s because most residents live on large estates behind locked gates with security keypads out front. Not a single resident was walking around during a brief visit to America’s sixth richest town. […] About the only folks visible in Atherton were plumbers, electricians, contractors and landscapers.
They also visit the Atherton library:
The most affordable place in Atherton turned out to be the public library, even though the fine for overdue books is 20 cents a day, or twice the amount at the San Francisco Public Library. A library card in Atherton, however, is free. Maybe that’s why most people don’t have them, a clerk said. “The richest people don’t come to the library,” said Will White. “What they do is send their employees to a bookstore.”
[–]YachtRockRenegade 27 points 20 hours ago
I’d like to think that somewhere in Mexico City, there’s a burg called “The Cats”.
[–]Freakazette 6 points 20 hours ago
If California had to use American names for all our towns, City of Angels would be the only cool name. The biggest county in the US would be Saint Bernard County.
[–]shutmywhoremouth 6 points 17 hours ago
Yes, and most everyone pronounces it, “loss gatuss”. Unless you are my mother, in which case you pause to use your best Spanish accent.
[–]snowandbaggypants 12 points 19 hours ago
Yep, and all of the white people here pronounce it “las gaatass”. It’s quite silly.
*Source: I’m a white person and I live nearby
[–]-Diet-Cokehead- 7 points 17 hours ago
I grew up in Los Gatos and can definitely confirm this
[–]TheLongLostBoners 14 points 19 hours ago
“a male was reportedly lying on the ground, possibly writing.” perfect
[–]snowandbaggypants 13 points 19 hours ago
ARREST THIS MAN! HE IS SUSPICIOUSLY WRITING POETRY IN A PEACEFUL MEADOW!
[–]freddiefenster 34 points 20 hours ago
Pic 18 in Campbell:
“A mother sought advice on how to help her daughter with a Facebook issue”
WTF?
[–]elconquistador1985 39 points 21 hours ago
What if these are just tidied up versions of sinister crimes?
Ten raccoons were reported to be “loitering” near a Dumpster.
Ten “coons”, you say?
[–]shoobshine 11 points 20 hours ago
Some other highlights: http://www.mercurynews.com/peninsula/ci_18770819
My favorite: A family reported being followed by a duck…
[–]Frago242 10 points 20 hours ago
Police blotter for Compton, CA, where the median house price is, actually 211,000 <-??
“The city violent crime rate for Compton in 2010 was higher than the national violent crime rate average by 250.05%”
http://www.cityrating.com/crime-statistics/california/compton.html
[–]cubbyspace 6 points 19 hours ago
Coastal California house prices ain’t nothing to fuck with.
[–]Evlwolf 9 points 20 hours ago
My uncle used to work at a police department in a town where the majority of complaints where about people parking on the street, and people leaving tennis court/pool lights on.
He promptly transferred to another precinct. He got tired of being a glorified security guard.
[–]Flufflebuns 9 points 17 hours ago*
I grew up in Newport Beach, Orange County, CA (VERY rich, white, conservative beach town). The type of shit my friends and I got into while shooting films as teenagers caused certain hilarity.
Incident 1: We were filming a gang shooting in an alley. Within our 10th take or so we were surrounded by police and sirens, guns drawn, yelling at us to put down our (fake) guns. When they realized what we were doing the officer responded “sorry, some lady called screaming that someone was being executed in the alley by her house”.
Incident 2: My friend is half black/half white. We were driving by John Wayne airport (yes it exists), I was driving, he was getting shots of planes taking off/landing for a film. Later that day my father got a call saying a middle eastern looking man was filming airplanes in a black truck (my dad’s car). My father explained the situation, all was fine in the end.
Incident 3: I was scouting a place to shoot a war scene after school down by the bay. I was alone with a black backpack, taking pictures of the area to show my friends. A helicopter, yes a HELICOPTER started circling me, demanding I go to the nearest street and sit on the curb, and that a patrol officer would be with me shortly. The officer pulled up, checked my bag full off air-soft guns, I explained what I was doing, he laughed and let me alone.
Just to name a few…
EDIT: I’m white.
[–]RazsterOxzine 6 points 20 hours ago
When the apocalypse happens, I know where I will be headed.
[–]sprucenoose 12 points 19 hours ago
Why wait? I want to become a police officer in Atherton. I can easily help residents with their Facebook accounts and cats in trees.
[–]cool_username_ 7 points 19 hours ago
Once I was doing some cleaning for someone in a nice neighborhood. Practically the entire community showed up at the door because some people had seen a “suspicious looking man” enter the house. I was 16 at the time.
[–]hybryd131 7 points 18 hours ago
From the police blotter of a similar neighborhood just north of Atherton.
“A woman called 911 and reported that her adult son had vandalized the kitchen and was out of control. Officers responded and determined that the 30-year-old son was upset because his mother would not buy him a lawn tractor. He was arrested for vandalism, threatening police officers, and obstruction of justice.”
[–]latestcraze 6 points 17 hours ago
This is my bf’s favorite police blotter not Atherton but nearby in Mountain View. My favorite from Atherton was a report of leaf blower noise on fallen leaf lane.
[–]nicolauz 9 points 21 hours ago
What the fuck is going on just north of Atherton ? Some strange shit going on in google maps:https://maps.google.com/maps?q=atherton+ca&rlz=1C1CHKZ_enUS439US439&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hl=en&sa=N&tab=wl
[–]katzenjammer360 16 points 20 hours ago
Maybe salt evaporation ponds? They’ve drained nearly all of the salt marshes along coastal CA to make them. It’s really been hard on seabirds which depend on them.
[–]sacundim 7 points 20 hours ago*
Yes, that’s what they are. A few of photos of one of the salt ponds just east of Bayfront Park: photo 1 photo 2 photo 3 photo 4
They’ve drained nearly all of the salt marshes along coastal CA to make them. It’s really been hard on seabirds which depend on them.
Which is, incidentally, one of the main reasons for the existence of the park I mention. The salt ponds in my photos are no longer being used.
[–]specialcharacters 6 points 21 hours ago
It’s called the Bay motherfucker! Show some respect!
[–]Meth_Isnt_So_Bad 8 points 16 hours ago
Resident of Atherton here. (We like to be called Atherton-Americans)
I can attest that the police blotter examples shown here are fairly typical. It’s not that all of our town (population approx. 7,000) are complete twats like those that report these “incidents” to police. The real “problem” is that with a lack of serious crime means the police have to take the ridiculous shit seriously so as to justify their necessity. The cops also love to harass teenagers for speeding (friends have gotten tickets for going 28 in a 25), loitering, etc. I was written a ticket for not wearing a bicycle helmet when I was 8 and have been afraid of police ever since.
Yes Atherton is ridiculously wealthy. When I was in high school our zip code was announced as the wealthiest in the nation. But in defense I’d just say that a lot of the town’s residents are “new money”, that is they earned their fortunes through smarts, hard work, and luck, as opposed to being born into it. Most of the families I know around here are thoughtful people who realize how fortunate they are to live where they do.
Anyway, this absolutely belongs in first world problems. The extra “attention” granted to kids by the Atherton police is a tiny price to pay for not having to fear any violence being visited on them at home or school. Just thought I’d provide a little inside information for anyone who cared.
[–]Wisdom_from_the_Ages 5 points 17 hours ago*
Considering they’re that sensitive, we’re all probably going to get sued for laughing at their stupidity.
Also, as someone with relatives in Redwood City, this was doubly amusing.
[–]Quacktastic23 3 points 18 hours ago
At least the hawk got to enjoy its dinner, I was concerned.
[–]withbellson 3 points 15 hours ago
At Stanford the police blotters in the Palo Alto Daily News were a highlight of our day. I recall one about someone calling the cops to report lost Chapstick.
[–]SquareBottle 3 points 20 hours ago
Median house price, you say? Then how can we even be sure this is in the our first world?
[–]H20polo 2 points 18 hours ago
I live in an neighborhood near Atherton that has an online email group that links everyone in the neighborhood. One night we set of two fireworks at 8 o’clock and everyone started emailing about the supposed gunshot because they had never heard what one sounded like before. K cool
[–]Emp1re 2 points 18 hours ago
The second time I went through these, I actually read the reports for the other neighborhoods listed and makes this even better (and by better, i mean worse really) People are getting shot, and some money-grubbing exec’s wife is calling the cops over a hawk eating its dinner?
[–]divisibleby5 2 points 17 hours ago
my favorite is that if you look at any of the other cities, its “teen shot in the torso” or “residential burglary.” Kinda makes you wonder how long the good citizens of Eagleton er, Atherton rather, would last in a neighborhood just across the interstate.
[–]Horror-Clause 2 points 16 hours ago
10 raccoons loitering by the dumpster? By far the worst offenders in the list
[–]philthyintent 2 points 15 hours ago
Bay Area resident here checking in. This checks out.
[–]Lemondoodle 2 points 14 hours ago
What. It’s just strange to see the town by you hit front page.
[–]Pocketcheeze 1 point 13 hours ago
That old lady who claimed to know where she lives sounds oddly suspicious. Seems like a cover for low level cocaine peddling.
[–]EvilInsideJoke 1 point 22 hours ago
“A man on campus at Sacred Heart School reportedly followed a janitor around and asked odd questions.” Either J.D. is real, or the police blotter is screwing with people.
[–]TimidTortoise88 1 point 21 hours ago
I have not laughed this hard in a while!!! “Guy was whistling and possibly casing the area”. Fuckin great!!
[–]Mattastrophe 1 point 21 hours ago
Wait, does that one say someone got stabbed over a Bingo game on the fourth one.?
[–]Mr_Salvati 1 point 19 hours ago
The last one is the best. Worst case senario it’s some kids ding-dong-ditching but it ends up to be UPS. Another day in Atherton.
[–]graffiti81 1 point 17 hours ago
It’s getting to the point where people that wealthy know that it won’t be long before they actually have something to fear.
[–]Allenbenjamin 1 point 17 hours ago
Haha! I live in naples florida (also a very rich area (I’m poor tho)) & shit like this happens ALL the time. Its like they got nothing better 2 do with there time. Especially the condo commandos inside gated communitys.
[–]MileHighBarfly 2 points 15 hours ago
So, I believe this is the ultimate /r/firstworldproblems post. Of all time. Pack it up folks, we are done here.
[–]TrollsBeTrollin[
] 1 point 14 hours ago
This kind of thing deserves it’s own subreddit, RPP: Rich People Problems
[–]headmotownrepper 1 point 13 hours ago
I live near there. They’re all like this. A good deal of them are also assholes who think they’re better than everyone else because they’re rich.
[–]BukkRogerrs 1 point 13 hours ago
You don’t have to be smart to be rich, I guess.
As Freakazette said, these are especially good in the context of the real crimes and stories of interest around them. The coolest one probably being the man who encountered a 60 pound mountain lion on his way to the trash can.
[–]TheAlmightyProphet 3 points 1 day ago
This is scary. I live on Encinal, and I bike down El Camino every single day. WHO ARE YOU?!?!?
[–]french_toste 2 points 1 day ago
Atherton, California: super-pleasant, old money, too much time on their hands.
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