Living on the eve of a new dawn… and not being able to stop that sunrise!

The Dawn!

The Dawn!

They always say that

“One never knows what they have got until it is gone.”

This is not and has not usually been the case for me. Nope. Instead, i can see that things are really good right now and they are changing and the changes are not ideal. I realize when i am living in one of the apex’es of my life… On the verge of a new, darker dawn. A time where things are now as intelligent and as open as they may ever be. I can see a new dawn before me, yet i am still standing in yesterday or what is today.

It is a strange feeling to be living in what feels more like a memory than the now. Usually when i think of the right now… it feels exciting and innovative and current. But sometimes it feels like the now is the yesterday or yesteryear. The golden era that once was… the good ol’ days. And it feels like right now is actually part of the past because I know what the future is looking like.

Usually when i have this kinda like reverse deja vous, it makes me very melancholy and i just wish i could push that button on that stopwatch so I can just stop time before things move into this new outline i see before me. Like a line drawing that is about to be colored in. That is what the future feels like. You know what it is going to be (in its simplest form) and you know what these changes are going to do to the reality that you have grown your life around and into. You know that big things are about to change. Drastically.

The familiar markers that you thought were a part of the landscape that was a permanent fixture of the main picture. You thought that certain infrastructures as a part of the fabric that you have come to count on would be part of that picture forever. That, without that part of the landscape infrastructure, it would or could never survive. That it has relied on these components for so long that you assume that it is and will be like that forever.

I think that this is an optimistic and naive perspective and not surprising from someone who’s generation has never seen the face of a drafted war or famine.

I am sure that all of those jewish people who were just living their lives in Germany, going about their business like they had been doing for generations were caught off guard when all of a sudden their friends and colleges were being harassed and eventually moved into ghettos. They never thought that that would be their reality or that they would not be doing what ancestors had been doing for generations. No, Their reality and future was MUCH much different. They would be fighting for their lives with many of them losing that fight, and the ones that managed to survive, their towns, and their families and communities did not.

My point is this… What if those German Jewish people were able to see what was in store for them before it was actually become a reality? It would make one despondent yet so desperate to try and capture the reality before the darkness. To remember it and keep it with you for always.

But that makes one not really interact within their lives. Because it feels more like interacting with a scene on a set. You cant really dig roots or make any plans for one’s future when that future is so different and unknown. What do you do?

I think this has been how it has been for me for a good portion of my life. At least my adult life. I think that this is EXACTLY why i have never gotten married or had any children and i think it is a huge contributing component to why i have suffered depression so severely over the past 20 years. It can be a never ending downwards free fall of despondence. Along with that guilt and a warm fuzzy feeling of nostalgia.

I guess i am saying that it is a very weird feeling to be having a lifetime apex moment and at the same time being so totally aware that things will never be better than this very moment and you can not hold onto it. It is elusively slipping away as the seconds tick by. It kinda feels a little bit out of body experience.

It is just bizarre.IMG_1292

A few generations away and boy the times have changed!

One of my favorite websites is called FoundSF.org.  It has such great articles about San Francisco and all of its colorful history.  Sometimes when i am bored, i go to it to just read.  My ancestors were some of the founders of San Francisco.  I did not learn this fact until i was the age of 19, at which point i began studying San Francisco history as well as my own lineage.

When i came across this article this morning, i could not believe how perfect it was… like it was written just for me!

I have always had trouble understanding just how my ancestors lives influenced my own.  It is several generations away and clearly lifestyles have changed greatly.  But i feel the past.  I feel my relatives around me.  They push me to become a better person and to continue to be proud of the Koshland name as well as my closely related relatives. Continue reading

Crime in Atherton. Grab some tissues… You are in for a bumpy ride!

 

If you happen to live in Atherton Ca. which happens to be the states 4th most expensive zip code (median home price is 4.9 million!), then it is no huge surprise that you have even less than first world problems.  You have maybe half world problems.  And when there is a problem… Who do you call?  The police of course.  Boy if i were a Santa Clara county deputy i really would love to be assigned this beat!  But only if i still had my patience and a serious sense of humor!

 

(To see the original article on the SFist, follow this link…

http://sfist.com/2013/02/14/all_the_best_police_blotter_gems_fr.php#photo-7)

This was just too funny to pass up sharing with you all.  I have lived in the Bay area my whole life, growing up deep in the Santa Cruz mountains.  My dad’s business was over the hill and so we had friends over there.  I have always been familiar with Atherton.  I think my parents had friends that lived there (keeping in mind that this was in the 70’s & 80’s when it was really rich but the whole bay was much less populated than it is now).

In fact, life was much less complicated than it is now.  And much more connected.  Now days, fear is fed to us along with the ideals that beauty rules along with sex (however, it can not be talked about) and consumerism.

I dont think that in the days i was a kid that people living in Atherton were this incapable and terrified of… well… Anything that they might happen to come across.  I suppose that is reserved for our curent generations of frightened stiff un-functioned twits living in their walled manses afraid of the world and clearly delusionally entitled.

I would not like to see these people cope in a natural disaster where you are forced to rely on your friends and neighbors.  If this was survival of the fittest, these people would NOT survive.

It is funny but also just kinda sad, dont cha think?