They always say that
“One never knows what they have got until it is gone.”
This is not and has not usually been the case for me. Nope. Instead, i can see that things are really good right now and they are changing and the changes are not ideal. I realize when i am living in one of the apex’es of my life… On the verge of a new, darker dawn. A time where things are now as intelligent and as open as they may ever be. I can see a new dawn before me, yet i am still standing in yesterday or what is today.
It is a strange feeling to be living in what feels more like a memory than the now. Usually when i think of the right now… it feels exciting and innovative and current. But sometimes it feels like the now is the yesterday or yesteryear. The golden era that once was… the good ol’ days. And it feels like right now is actually part of the past because I know what the future is looking like.
Usually when i have this kinda like reverse deja vous, it makes me very melancholy and i just wish i could push that button on that stopwatch so I can just stop time before things move into this new outline i see before me. Like a line drawing that is about to be colored in. That is what the future feels like. You know what it is going to be (in its simplest form) and you know what these changes are going to do to the reality that you have grown your life around and into. You know that big things are about to change. Drastically.
The familiar markers that you thought were a part of the landscape that was a permanent fixture of the main picture. You thought that certain infrastructures as a part of the fabric that you have come to count on would be part of that picture forever. That, without that part of the landscape infrastructure, it would or could never survive. That it has relied on these components for so long that you assume that it is and will be like that forever.
I think that this is an optimistic and naive perspective and not surprising from someone who’s generation has never seen the face of a drafted war or famine.
I am sure that all of those jewish people who were just living their lives in Germany, going about their business like they had been doing for generations were caught off guard when all of a sudden their friends and colleges were being harassed and eventually moved into ghettos. They never thought that that would be their reality or that they would not be doing what ancestors had been doing for generations. No, Their reality and future was MUCH much different. They would be fighting for their lives with many of them losing that fight, and the ones that managed to survive, their towns, and their families and communities did not.
My point is this… What if those German Jewish people were able to see what was in store for them before it was actually become a reality? It would make one despondent yet so desperate to try and capture the reality before the darkness. To remember it and keep it with you for always.
But that makes one not really interact within their lives. Because it feels more like interacting with a scene on a set. You cant really dig roots or make any plans for one’s future when that future is so different and unknown. What do you do?
I think this has been how it has been for me for a good portion of my life. At least my adult life. I think that this is EXACTLY why i have never gotten married or had any children and i think it is a huge contributing component to why i have suffered depression so severely over the past 20 years. It can be a never ending downwards free fall of despondence. Along with that guilt and a warm fuzzy feeling of nostalgia.
I guess i am saying that it is a very weird feeling to be having a lifetime apex moment and at the same time being so totally aware that things will never be better than this very moment and you can not hold onto it. It is elusively slipping away as the seconds tick by. It kinda feels a little bit out of body experience.