Its Holiday Season again… Does it make you warm and mushy or give you the icky feelings of dread?



Xmas Tree

Xmas Tree (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It is also not a time in my life that i can falter at all.  This is what all that hard work and preparedness was getting me ready for.  The massive travel back and forth week at a time to get to my dads with bittersweet feelings…  thankful that i CAN be there,  that i have the time and that he is not all the way across or out of the country.  I remember when my dad was in this mode with his aunt (like a mom).  He had to drive up at least every other day from the south bay to San francisco to see her.  Even thought my parents were separated, we (or just my brother and i or just me)  would go up every or every other week.  It was exhausting.  It was stressful.  It was emotional.  It was wonderful to have been given that last bit of extra time!


When her time finally came, the feeling was different than i thought it would be for me.  I dont know about how my dad felt, but I had felt this really big empty spot.  A lot more empty and lonely than i would have thought in sort of a different way than i had thought.


We had this 2 bdrm apt. to completely go through, get appraisers out, call insurances etc as well as meeting with the lawyers and accountants.  I kept feeling like one did when they were at camp for a week and it is finally time to go home.  You are the last one to be picked up and the place feels SO empty to you.  You feel more alone in that several hours  than i think we feel most of our lives.  Leaving camp was ALWAYS a tough thing for me.  Kind of like leaving my little cat Arthur when i have to leave every time now.  Separation anxiety!  Panic.  Pure panic.


This year with the holidays here, its needless to say that they were very important to me.   That since my dad’s real failing health this last month i really just wanted to be with family.  It is probably going to be the last year that my whole family will be here on earth so (aside from the potential apocalypse) this year holdays are especially poignant to me and somewhat surreal.


I know (as i have done many many times) that this will be one of those times that i will remember when looking back form the future.  I can see history happening right before my own eyes can see it.  I can sense it.   I can feel the page starting to turn and the chapter is about to change.  I think it is one of those things that mark a major growth and changing of eras.


Usually music, which may have not been integrated into my life hardly at all over the last so many months, now comes on full time (not even any news or chanel 9!  No tv!  I would rather use the Roku box to play Pandora than watch tv.  And just a couple months ago, tv was my way of relaxing at the end of the day.  Now i just cant stay focused on just one thing for that much time. Music you can hear while typing or packing or eating or drying ones hair.


Not only that, but a whole new grouping of music is starting to mark this period of time like a big memory timestamp.  They (the songs) (wether i want them to or not!) are becoming the soundtrack for this new period of time.


The things i do and the way i feel and the things i see right now are going into a more permanent place in my brain banks because it is so filled with upcoming change and surrounded by such thick emotion.  I can feel myself change.  I know that pretty soon, i will never be the person i used to be.


For all of you “grown ups” out there, you are probably thinking to yourself… “that is called growing up”…. I know this, it still feels just a bit strange when you feel it starting to happen but you are still the same person.  It is like the forces of change are moving into your soul to make that change in accordance.


Some of these changes include the obvious ones like my dad and his delicate health scenario as well as all of the travel associated with it.  There is also some cracks within my family that have been revealed recently that could be game changers for the closeness we have (possibly falsely) believed we had.  It will be interesting thing to see what happens.  It may be one of those times a child must define themselves as a full grown adult to others around them even if they will always be younger or the child or whatever.  At 38, one is a full grown adult and i believe old enough for others to be able to have decided wether or not they are a quality and competent as a person or not.  The role of the parent or older sibling is the job with all of the power and control who usually desperately tries to hold onto that same level of power and control even with fully grown kids/sisters or brothers.  Who would want to give up something they have taken a lifetime building?


But everyone deserves to feel like a grown up when they are deeply into their grown ups!  If they do not, it is simply because either A. the family has enabled them or B. because the family undermines their self esteem making them question themselves throughout their whole lives.  If the people that raised you dont believe in you and you have a lot of respect for them, then it usually ends up not so well for the child.  That undermining self-esteem can sit in the back of your head haunting all of your wishes in life.  It is hard.  Even when you believe in you, when the ones you love do not, it is a heavy blow that never seems to be able to be shaken off the back.


Self esteem can make or break a perfectly great person.  And usually it is the soul crushing that comes from within the family or those that we look up to.  They have a lot of lasting damaging power over us that they often like to turn back around and blame back on us.


These are some of the things that happen to adjust the power structure when children become adults.  The adults sometimes forget that they only get so long to do their raising and then, it is time to stand back and see if they were a good teacher or not.  If they (the child) starts making poor choices, you as a parent do not get the option to jump back in and continue to raise them some more.  If the child fails at making good decisions, that could possibly mean that YOU failed as a parent in your raising.  That is your own work that you are seeing them using to survive.  Most of the time though, the family only sees a part of what the whole story is.  They have no idea how we are to really use our time and solve problems and set goals.  Jeez… they dont even usually bother to ask us if we even have any goals or plans to improve our futures.  Do they just assume that we just sit around whining and picking our noses?


I just know that the holidays are wonderful and yet so stressful and can be so depressing at the same time.  They are wonderful if you have a great loving family or family of friends to surround yourself with, but can be easily as equally depressing if you do not have anyone, just lost someone or are not getting along well with the people you care about at the time.


For you all, i truly hope that you have a low stress winter holiday season and are surrounded by the love that every human being deserves.  I hope you take the time to appreciate that this moment is here… because it WILL change.  That is guaranteed.  The thing is that we just dont expect to change soon.  What i have found is that change can happen in the blink of an eye.  So now is the time to live in the moment and appreciate that the hands of change have not moved any of the ones you love out of your lives yet.  Enjoy each other.  After all, we may not even make it to Christmas if the end of the world comes on Dec 21, 2012!








Untitled writing from 2007

Oh no

All alone.

No one to soften my hardend soul.

Knock knock

No one’s there.

No surprise.

No one cares.

Empathy is an extinct notion

I wish someone would put into motion.

Take me from me.

Wound my soul.

Break my heart.

Make me unable to be whole.

Take away my self esteem.

What is left?


Now i am wondering.

Wondering how.

Wondering why.

This mad mess all a lie.

You cant take me.

I wont let you.

My feelings are valued, so,


I was clearly bitter and had been deceived.  That never feels good.  Makes you question everything.  Mostly makes you question your awareness of your own ignorance.  That can be a scary thing.  Nobody wants to be taken.  So all of you… Just remember… Learn from my errors… You can only truly trust one’s actions.  If their words do not match, it is a lot easier to try and believe the words, but they are the first to deceive.  In this day and age, people are usually too lazy to back their lies up with actions, so watch the actions.  They will tell you if the words are real.  If they are, they line up.  If not, as much this may mean the fairy tale is over, they are most likely NOT telling the truth.  Unfortunately.

Note.  I am somewhat jaded now, in my older age of 37, but i am am not as bitter as this writing feels… Thank goodness! 🙂

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Breaking up IS hard to do… but finally i can now breathe!

  I am not going to delve too deeply into my personal life onto print and unleashed to the world because of several reasons, but i do have to say that after an 11 month relationship that was doomed before it started, it feels good to feel like me again.

Not every relationship we get into in life ends up how we hoped it would be.  The person never ends up being exactly who you had made them up in your mind to be.  They become real people with good days and bad days, and ways to deal with stress that isn’t  ideal.  As well as traits that seem to grate you just so.

I had not been involved with anyone in quite some time prior (due to personal choice and chaos of life, there really wasn’t a place for it and i wasn’t exactly presentable while having a nervous breakdown and emotional turmoil.) and I had forgotten how spoiled I had gotten in being able to live my life just as I liked.  I could live in my space however I chose.  I could watch whatever I wanted and talked to whoever I wanted at any time with no guilt or implied guilt.  I could keep the bed made for more than 20 hours.  I was able to stretch out and have the temp. at whatever I wanted.  And mostly, I could spend as much time giving my new kitty as much attention as I wanted and he needed.

The breakup was bad, but what was worse was the time leading up to the end.  We both were miserable and there was clearly no hope or chance in repairing.  We were a square peg and a round hole.  I invested almost a year on something that clearly failed.  It seems like too long at my age to spend on a doomed interaction, but i see people in clearly unhappy and disfunctional relationships that go on for years.  I at least am not that masoginistic but it does feel good to be back in clean energy of myself.

I see it as there are tribes and you do not have to come from the same place, be the same age, or have the same interests even.  When you meet someone from your tribe, you just know it because you just get one another.  Usually this rests on a common sense of humor or passion for certain things in life.  Usually after time, you find out that there are common traits in these people and yourself, but you dont need to know that to know when you meet one of “your” people.

Let me give you my piece of personal advice on choosing a relationship partner.  Find one of your tribe.  Hold on to them and treat them well.  They should do the same.  It is the only way to not have to sacrifice or change and question who you are as a person.  It is the only way to know that you do not have to waste a lot of unnecessary time trying to get the person to take it as you are trying to mean it.  There is nothing worse that fighting over thing after thing because the other side is taking it from a different angle than what you were trying to express.

Having someone just understand and accept who you are is such a rarity period.  Especially the older you get.  Also the older you get, usually the less people you meet.  Your circle gets smaller.  Your focus on importance of lots of things becomes much simpler as you go through life.  I suppose you could say that we get worn down a little.  Both physically and emotionally. You dont have the oomph to relive things that you did and learned from already.  You see how important the people and pets and family that truly care for you are and how rare those relationships come.  I bet you all that in 10 years time, you will not have the same people that you would expect right now would have in your life, and you will still have some that you never would have expected.  Dont prejudge friendships and dont think that they automatically last forever. Nothing does.  Everything is ephemeral. Period.  Dont take things for granted.  Find out who you are and dont lose yourself completely. Do nice things for others even if it is really to make yourself feel good… which comes to my last lil thought gem… always appreciate a two-for!  (those are the win win… when it is bad bad it is a double whammy 🙂