Living on the eve of a new dawn… and not being able to stop that sunrise!

The Dawn!

The Dawn!

They always say that

“One never knows what they have got until it is gone.”

This is not and has not usually been the case for me. Nope. Instead, i can see that things are really good right now and they are changing and the changes are not ideal. I realize when i am living in one of the apex’es of my life… On the verge of a new, darker dawn. A time where things are now as intelligent and as open as they may ever be. I can see a new dawn before me, yet i am still standing in yesterday or what is today.

It is a strange feeling to be living in what feels more like a memory than the now. Usually when i think of the right now… it feels exciting and innovative and current. But sometimes it feels like the now is the yesterday or yesteryear. The golden era that once was… the good ol’ days. And it feels like right now is actually part of the past because I know what the future is looking like.

Usually when i have this kinda like reverse deja vous, it makes me very melancholy and i just wish i could push that button on that stopwatch so I can just stop time before things move into this new outline i see before me. Like a line drawing that is about to be colored in. That is what the future feels like. You know what it is going to be (in its simplest form) and you know what these changes are going to do to the reality that you have grown your life around and into. You know that big things are about to change. Drastically.

The familiar markers that you thought were a part of the landscape that was a permanent fixture of the main picture. You thought that certain infrastructures as a part of the fabric that you have come to count on would be part of that picture forever. That, without that part of the landscape infrastructure, it would or could never survive. That it has relied on these components for so long that you assume that it is and will be like that forever.

I think that this is an optimistic and naive perspective and not surprising from someone who’s generation has never seen the face of a drafted war or famine.

I am sure that all of those jewish people who were just living their lives in Germany, going about their business like they had been doing for generations were caught off guard when all of a sudden their friends and colleges were being harassed and eventually moved into ghettos. They never thought that that would be their reality or that they would not be doing what ancestors had been doing for generations. No, Their reality and future was MUCH much different. They would be fighting for their lives with many of them losing that fight, and the ones that managed to survive, their towns, and their families and communities did not.

My point is this… What if those German Jewish people were able to see what was in store for them before it was actually become a reality? It would make one despondent yet so desperate to try and capture the reality before the darkness. To remember it and keep it with you for always.

But that makes one not really interact within their lives. Because it feels more like interacting with a scene on a set. You cant really dig roots or make any plans for one’s future when that future is so different and unknown. What do you do?

I think this has been how it has been for me for a good portion of my life. At least my adult life. I think that this is EXACTLY why i have never gotten married or had any children and i think it is a huge contributing component to why i have suffered depression so severely over the past 20 years. It can be a never ending downwards free fall of despondence. Along with that guilt and a warm fuzzy feeling of nostalgia.

I guess i am saying that it is a very weird feeling to be having a lifetime apex moment and at the same time being so totally aware that things will never be better than this very moment and you can not hold onto it. It is elusively slipping away as the seconds tick by. It kinda feels a little bit out of body experience.

It is just bizarre.IMG_1292

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My ramblings: My version of parallel universes!

Bluepearlgirl in deep thought....

They say that we live in a world of parallel universes.  I know that that means some complex super string type scientific theory, but i think it also pertains to all of us right now.

I see the world as a million parallel universes (ie: each and every one of our lives) that are concurrent and happening simultaneously through our own lives.  They are parallel because they are all accuring durring the same moment in the universe and on the same planet.  I think about how my life is so completely different from the neighbor downstairs and the neighbors across the street and the people on the block and the people in the city.  We are each our own little universe living at the same time on the same planet. We tend to cross more universes the closer you are to home or where you spend your time.

My universe is oh so different from a young girl living in Sudan or Pakistan, Yet, because we share the same planet at the same time, we once and a while are effected by someones universe or reality on the other side of the planet.  Wether it be man made like the Fukushima Nuclear Plant disaster or a natural disaster like volcano erupting mega-tons of ash and gas and debris high up into our atmosphere or atmospheric warming, we at any moment can be living with the same mandates.

I do think that it is usually the natural disasters that bring more of our universes together and sync’d up the most.  I believe that that may be why there is such an amazing, almost palatable energy that is more like a force, strong and powerful, in the feeling of connected-ness.  This is a pretty rare thing that there is something so big that happens that makes everyones lives have to focus on the same thing at the same time.

It also happened on 9/11.  We all witnessed a tragedy that stirred the same emotions initially.  It was a time that no one needed to talk because everyone was thinking the same thing… Holy S**t!  Oh No!!  Oh god!  I was also interested to notice after the silence ended, discussion started and kept on and on and on….

As of now, 2012, we have a wider ideas that are different about what exactly happened that beautiful September morning.  We are farther away from the event that set our universes in sync.  However we all do still have the memory of what we all saw, felt and experienced.  Not one person can say that they did not know what they were doing the first time they heard or saw what happened on 9/11.  It kinda trips me out that there is one day where probably 2/3 of the planet were paying attention to the exact same thing at the exact same time.  It was a day universes collided!

Two universes in sync.

Anyway, this is no scholarly write so please do not judge my strange ramblings too much.  They may or may not make any sense to anyone and it would not surprise me if they dont.  But this is the type of thought that my mind ponders all the time.  How we are all living such different lives, but we cross paths and are affected by the same things as many others around us.  So many tiny worlds doing their own living but all living together at the same time.  It is pretty awesome (as in awe not shaka bra!).

Anyway, i will possibly regret posting this thing tonight.  It is like my version of a drunk dial.  I may have the unfortunate realization after a good night’s rest that maybe i should have left that last rambling in draft form and think about it and at the very least, re-read it!  It may not even be cohesive!   But i am plowing ahead.  Submitting this to you straight and unedited.  (disclaimer: i will probably read it in the morning when i wake up and will have to do some re-editing so if it gets cleaner and more cohesive the next time you looked, i have tried to hide my mess:)

So many universes living in a parallel world!

But this one is for all of you… In Brean Brown’s endorsement of vulnerability ( you can see it here in one of  her lectures for TED..  https://bluepearlgirlsworld.wordpress.com/2012/04/01/listening-to-shame/)  Here is my first ever unedited share of one of the subjects my mind deeply thinks about on a regular basis.  I am hoping  that someone will tell me if they think that i have totally gone mental and need medical help! I wont be offended i promise!

So cheers little Universes!  May yours be peaceful in the heart and healthy in the mind tonight! 🙂

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Our city of universes!  A different one in virtually every window but all as much as a little sheet rock separating them from one another.  Weird!  Mind boggling too.Enhanced by Zemanta