The randomness of big city living…

From atop Bernal Hill at the

I live in San Francisco.  San francisco although small in size is definitely what i would still consider a big city.  Yes it has a dense population Yes it is a civic and international destination.  And yes… randomness like this does still (for the time being) still occur.

Let me set the scene for you… We (our household) has two issues we are dealing with in regards to harassment.

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I really hate it when depression hits me like a ton of bricks in the blink of an eye!

Why do i have so much sadness inside of me yet at the same time, i am filled with joy a lot of the time.  The sadness is always there though.  I suppose it is part of my depression that makes it linger so.  It is very easy for me to become despondent at the flip of a switch lately.  In the past while in a depressive state, it seemed to come on a bit slower and last for a while.  Now it comes like a freak flash flood.  I usually feel better after getting a good night sleep but not always.  Not today.  Is it past memories and loss?  Is it loneliness?  Is it fear?  I do not know.  I just know that i hate it when it happens.  I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately and usually it is an either or because the depression is quite sedating and the anxiety revs up my frustration and gets me a bit angst which is an activating emotion.  It is a strange feeling when they are both coming on at once.  I have medication that helps me to fight either one of these extreems, but even with that, sometimes the depression/anxiety have the floor.  

I have been through a lot.  I am still going through a lot.  I will always probably be going through a lot but does this mean that these sadness bouts and high anxiety periods will be with me forever?  

I am in general a quite happy person.  I love to laugh and smile and be kind and generally just enjoy life.  I like people and am not afraid to talk to strangers.  I find people fascinating and enjoy interacting with them, but it seems that i do it less a and less lately because i just kinda feel a divide between me and the real world.  I am sure i am not the only one who feels this but it doesnt make it any easier.  And finding others that have this happen is also tough because depressed people dont usually go out into the world and when/if they do, they dont usually interact with it.  

A lot of the time i just feel like a walking (or sitting) contradiction.  Happy and truly happy yet at the same time totally sad and despondent.  How can this be?  It seems like they should maybe cancel each other out and leave me sitting here just kind of ho hum but no.  I can feel one extreem at the flip of a switch and then back to happy.  And i mean really despondent like life taking despondent (dont worry… i would never kill myself but i can not deny that it is thought about a bit.) and then snap back out.  

When this despondence hits (with a vengeance), i go from being just fine to fighting back tears and the desire to find my bed and pull the covers all the way up over my head and lock myself safely away.  

My friends and even family dont usually get this.  They (and probably i would do the same) take it personally and think that i am just trying to get extra attention or having a drama episode.  This is not it at all.  I just go very very quickly to a very dark lonely place that is difficult to extract myself from in a snap.  

It is kinda embarrassing when this happens.  People dont know what to do with me then.  They even sometimes get mad at me because i guess they think i am mad at them?  But that is not it.  People just dont understand.  I just get very very depressed all of a sudden and then all of this pain that lives inside of me is revealed.  I look totally unhinged (which, well, kinda sounds like i am!) but the strangest thing that i find is that people usually dont have much compassion when i am thrown into one of these states.  

It does make living life a lonely place because no one really knows how deep the pain goes or really wants to have to take on the task of finding out.  It is ok.  I am used to this.  I am used to dealing with tough emotions alone.  In fact i am used to just plain ole spending time alone (well, with kitty of course when he is not hiding under the bed!).

I just wish it didnt happen at all.  I wish i could be one of the “normal” people of the world with balanced emotional states.  A non flip floppy existence in life.  There is probably a lot of shame and stigma that i attach to myself as well separating me from the masses which in turn leads to isolation which can not be helpful sometimes.  

Bottom line.  Through life, i feel like i am a truly walking oxymoron.  Maybe i just need to drop the oxy and lighten up… if it were only that simple! ImageDe

My anxiety is moving from orange into red alert levels with upcoming travel!

I am starting to feel the pit of my stomach start to get all bunched up in knots.  I know like a subconscience meter as the days get nearer to the day i must travel.  Having to leave town has always stirred up an ocd tendency in me to PANIC!

The first and biggest panic is my separation anxiety of having to leave my little pet.  I always have an excuse no matter when and what pet i have at the time.  It is really more about me not wanting to be without them rather than them thinking that i left for good and they will hate me forever.  With my new kitty Arthur, I am going to challenge that separation anxiety more than ever because he has such fear issues.

Arthur the day I adopted him. Picture taken of him at the shelter. Please adopt an animal and do not buy one! Save a life why dont you? 😉

I adopted Arthur about an hour before he was about to be euthanized.  Not, might i say, because he is a problem kitty.  Actually anything but.  But he is terrified.  He has abandonment and trust and massive fear issues.   Since i have gotten him on Christmas Eve last year, i have gotten him to not only come out from under the bed, but he actually hangs out on the bed and sleeps with me.  He has some bad days where he wont come out, but he always can be bribed with cheap cat food with lots of gravy.  (i have tried everything!  He has yet to taste one single human food, not even bacon, butter or chicken! I am afraid to try the last resort… tuna.  If he doesn’t like it, i could be screwed if at any time i run out of food.  I did live through the 89 earthquake so i think about things like this.)  So far it is me and only me that he trusts.  But, i will have to change that, because i have to go to Portland to attend my grandma’s memorial.  I can not justify that one… Can you imagine?  “Sorry, Emelie couldn’t make it to grandma’s funeral because she is afraid of causing her cat more psychological damage, so she blew off the flight and is not here to say goodbye.”  To me even, that doesn’t fly.  However, it does not mean that i am not dying inside missing my little kitty and worried that he thinks he has been abandoned again.


This leads me to anxiety #2… the flight itself.  Ever since 9/11, i HATE having to fly.  It is so gosh darn stressful!  It was bad enough for a girl like me back in the day to pack alone, but now, to have to downsize, evaluating the fluid ounces of all products and potions and getting them into that stupid ziplock bag. (you know that any real girl who likes her products is going to have a hard time with this one!).  Making sure that  i have all chargers, medications, makeup, hair, shoes, book, journal etc. and making it fit in a cary on sized bag… BIG CHALLENGE!  And the fear assists me throughout worrying that i forgot SOMETHING.  And it is probably something really important.  It always is.

The only way i can get through the packing trauma is to start about a week early with lists.  Those lists get longer and multiply as the days near.

The separation anxiety and the having to pack when it is not a regular activity and one has a system that they are familiar with, it becomes nothing but one huge nightmare.

Things get better once i arrive and settle in, but then to go through it all again to get back home…. UUGH.  Not to mention having to be dealing in confined quarters with parental units at the age of 37 is always an interesting dynamic.  We all do just fine when we just visit, but being together full time under stressful situations, it has been a bit of a fiasco in the past.  I do believe that we are all at a better more mature and cohesive place when we travel together, but that is still mom and i am still her baby.  I want to be extra patient though this trip because it is her mom that passed.  So far she has not expressed any sadness over the phone, but i know this is a big loss for her.  Losing a mom is a blow to everybody and an especially big blow if there is a great relationship with them even if they are 90 when they do go!  I am pretty sure she accepts it and is very at peace with it, but it has to be really sad too.  No matter what.  Gosh… it is sad for me too.

Anyway, i doubt that me complaining out loud on a public forum is going to help me really at all, but i am here to be real with all of you, as well as myself and this is what i am dealing with right now.  It will be interesting to see if the extreem anxiety increases my writing or blocks me up and makes it unable for me to write really.  I am bringing my computer (of course) so we all can just wait and see what happens in about a week.

Travel is not my #1 anxiety activity.  It is #2.  #1 is moving… the king daddy of travel!  Moving destroys me with anxiety (as i am sure it does lots of others!.  I am curious (and help me keep my mind on other things! Please!!), what is it that hits your biggest anxiety triggers?  Please share with me!  I am sure a lot of people have no problem traveling, but there has to be something that they avoid like the plague because it kicks the anxiety into high gear.  Come on, share with us all.  After all, they say confronting your fears is healthy!  🙂


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Subnote regarding earlier post on synethesia.

I am sitting here watching My Extreem Affliction on tv and the guy who was able to learn Icelandic in less than a week is being featured.  This guy is a super genius in a more functional than rain man kind of way.  However watching tonight, i learned that although being able to recite a 22,000 long number, he can not drive a car.

I posted a blog on synesthesia earlier that you can see here… https://bluepearlgirlsworld.wordpress.com/2012/03/02/the-world-of-synesthesia-quite-an-amazing-phenomenon/

The human mind is so fascinating! Yet, no matter what, we just are not evolved enough to be able to be highly functionable in all areas of thought and behavior.

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(above: the real rain man Kim Peek)

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We all have strengths and weaknesses.  Some are more marketable than others and sometimes more socially acceptable or popular / in fashion.  That doesnt mean that anyone out there has nothing to offer this world.

Find your strengths people.  Find areas that they are utilized in or would be a strength.  That way, you can be yourself doing something that you are good at and comes naturally.  It sure makes life more enjoyable throughout the process and you never have to apologize for being who you are and what you can do.  Remember… not everyone can do that quite so easily!  That is your gift.  Use it to help YOU!

Depression vs. Anxiety. Passive vs. Active… just some thoughts.

  Where can we hide from our own heads? 

This is one way to handle stress! Hide in the bathtub!!

This is one way to handle stress! Hide in the bathtub!!

As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, i have noticed how true the statement is when they say everything that you deal with mentally has a physical counterpart.  I would notice especially with anxiety, that if i had to deal with a 0-60 crisis situation after it was over, i would be absolutely exhausted.  I mean seriously!  Totally worn out.  I would usually have to take a nap after because I was physically beat as well as psychologically.

I noticed that i think the same is true the other way.  When i am doing something really physical, it is hard for me to put 100% concentration into anything else specifically.   It is all or nothing.

I have also found that when both collide and you have to be pushed to your physical limit and mental limit at the same time, meaning that while you are physically busting ass, you are also multitasking multiple highly stressful things in your head and trying to keep it all straight, (especially if you add very limited sleep to the equation) you are pushed to your limits.  It is amazing because it shows us just what we can do but if you go full speed, overtime, with afterburners, something will eventually have to give (usually being your health).  Just think of those days when you were shuffling 3 jobs AND full semesters in college or working and having a new born baby while keeping the house clean and fixing dinner all by yourself.

It pushes us to the limits.  It  is probably better actually to have a good workout in both physical and mental fronts regularly.  I guess i could just say, that THIS is where I personally have trouble multi-tasking.  The depression does not help at all (making everything that much more dire which adds stress to the already stressed situation), but i find that for me personally, my anxiety is an action reaction, depression gives me sedative results.  It is difficult to feel both insomniac and super tired simultaneously.  I can however cook dinner, read a book listen to music, do dishes and talk on the phone at the same time though.  Just as long as i am not finding out that, say, my identity has been stolen and my bank account frozen!

*afterthought note* I think that when we have something on like tv or radio (or people talking/ screaming) all the time, we can mentally wither.  We need several minutes of silence for our brains kinda like we need a few bites of food and a some rest for our bodies.  If you stay at home watching tv all day AND feel exhausted, try turning off the tv and opening a book if you are bored.  Your few minutes of quiet air may invigorate you almost as much as getting up and moving around.  Imagine how good you would feel if you did both!!

How do you tell someone that they are going crazy?

How exactly do you tell someone that you think that they may be crazy or going crazy?  How do you convince someone who is paranoid delusional that it is all in their heads?  How do you convince the ones you love that they really do need HELP?  And you are not trying to be mean or call them names, but you really think that they need to see a doctor?

This is what i just had to deal with with a close relationship.  He desperately needs help!  I am not a professional and no mental health expert on things outside what i deal with myself.  I have done some armchair research into trying to diagnose strange behaviors of people i live with or know well, but i profess to know very little in regards to mental health and what my doctor or therapist might know.  I do know that i think that this person i was talking about has multiple disorders overlapping which makes it even tougher to try and understand.  One thing i do understand is that this person needs to see a professional.  There is DEFINITELY something wrong.  They need help or i fear they are going to end up dead from either suicide or drug overdose to try and numb the mental discomfort.

It is a lot harder to tell someone they are losing their minds then it seems.  I personally was not successful, but i said it in the most loving way i knew how and i did it from the heart.  It was rejected and made me create an elevated level of anger and distrust towards me.

I let this person go.  It was too unhealthy for the both of us, but mostly me.   I do not want to put myself too close to a person i know that is high risk for early death and an ugly descent on the way down.  It is so sad and heartbreaking to see such a beautiful soul underneath it go to waist because the insanity runs the show.

It deeply saddens me.