On such a day of thanks, How could it be that one of my dearest friends Reid Gilbert passes away when he is in the prime of his life?



loss 2012

  On Christmas night.  Right after finishing a lovely Christmas dinner with my dad and 3 of his friends, i receive the news.  Reid is dead.  What?!!?  NO!!  How on earth could this happen?

Reid and his boyfriend John Fox have been 2 of my closest and dearest friends for almost 20 years.  They moved to Mexico two years ago after Reid’s brother (who was living in Mexico) went missing and was later found to be murdered.  In the process of looking for his brother, Reid fell in love with the community that his brother had decided to call home for 21 years.  After dealing with a lot of paperwork and legal tangles here in the states, John and Reid ended up moving down to the community that his brother had made his own.  They had been down there for a little over a year.

We dont know what the cause of death is (possibly a blood clot from some small surgery to his toes 2 days prior.  Regardless, he passed in his sleep while staying with John at his mom’s house.

When someone asks you… do you know anyone who has a perfect relationship?  Most of the answers will be no.  However, i did have one.  One perfect pairing that lasted from start to finish for 21 years.  This is John and Reid.   They found each other early on in life and decided to be together then and there.  Since then, they have formed a bond so tightly that they worked almost more as a single unit.  They perfectly complimented each other.  There was never a time where some other person put their relationship at risk.  They loved being a couple.  They were one.

How John will go on with the last half of his life?  It is going to be tough i am sure.  They planned on being together for much MUCH longer than this!  John is strong though.  He was the one that was more of the anchor and i am glad that it is him and not the other way around that has to pick up the pieces because i dont know if Reid could have if the tables were turned.

So on this season of thanks, i have to thank you Reid Gilbert.  You brought this world so much happiness.  You were one of the very best ones one could find.  Even if you did not know Reid, we all have lost a giving loving soul.  He was an amazing person who will be missed so much for so long.

So, for me, although the world did not stop for us all on Dec. 21, 2012, It did stop for Reid, and in turn, our lives (those who knew him) have ended an era as well.



Its Holiday Season again… Does it make you warm and mushy or give you the icky feelings of dread?



Xmas Tree

Xmas Tree (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It is also not a time in my life that i can falter at all.  This is what all that hard work and preparedness was getting me ready for.  The massive travel back and forth week at a time to get to my dads with bittersweet feelings…  thankful that i CAN be there,  that i have the time and that he is not all the way across or out of the country.  I remember when my dad was in this mode with his aunt (like a mom).  He had to drive up at least every other day from the south bay to San francisco to see her.  Even thought my parents were separated, we (or just my brother and i or just me)  would go up every or every other week.  It was exhausting.  It was stressful.  It was emotional.  It was wonderful to have been given that last bit of extra time!


When her time finally came, the feeling was different than i thought it would be for me.  I dont know about how my dad felt, but I had felt this really big empty spot.  A lot more empty and lonely than i would have thought in sort of a different way than i had thought.


We had this 2 bdrm apt. to completely go through, get appraisers out, call insurances etc as well as meeting with the lawyers and accountants.  I kept feeling like one did when they were at camp for a week and it is finally time to go home.  You are the last one to be picked up and the place feels SO empty to you.  You feel more alone in that several hours  than i think we feel most of our lives.  Leaving camp was ALWAYS a tough thing for me.  Kind of like leaving my little cat Arthur when i have to leave every time now.  Separation anxiety!  Panic.  Pure panic.


This year with the holidays here, its needless to say that they were very important to me.   That since my dad’s real failing health this last month i really just wanted to be with family.  It is probably going to be the last year that my whole family will be here on earth so (aside from the potential apocalypse) this year holdays are especially poignant to me and somewhat surreal.


I know (as i have done many many times) that this will be one of those times that i will remember when looking back form the future.  I can see history happening right before my own eyes can see it.  I can sense it.   I can feel the page starting to turn and the chapter is about to change.  I think it is one of those things that mark a major growth and changing of eras.


Usually music, which may have not been integrated into my life hardly at all over the last so many months, now comes on full time (not even any news or chanel 9!  No tv!  I would rather use the Roku box to play Pandora than watch tv.  And just a couple months ago, tv was my way of relaxing at the end of the day.  Now i just cant stay focused on just one thing for that much time. Music you can hear while typing or packing or eating or drying ones hair.


Not only that, but a whole new grouping of music is starting to mark this period of time like a big memory timestamp.  They (the songs) (wether i want them to or not!) are becoming the soundtrack for this new period of time.


The things i do and the way i feel and the things i see right now are going into a more permanent place in my brain banks because it is so filled with upcoming change and surrounded by such thick emotion.  I can feel myself change.  I know that pretty soon, i will never be the person i used to be.


For all of you “grown ups” out there, you are probably thinking to yourself… “that is called growing up”…. I know this, it still feels just a bit strange when you feel it starting to happen but you are still the same person.  It is like the forces of change are moving into your soul to make that change in accordance.


Some of these changes include the obvious ones like my dad and his delicate health scenario as well as all of the travel associated with it.  There is also some cracks within my family that have been revealed recently that could be game changers for the closeness we have (possibly falsely) believed we had.  It will be interesting thing to see what happens.  It may be one of those times a child must define themselves as a full grown adult to others around them even if they will always be younger or the child or whatever.  At 38, one is a full grown adult and i believe old enough for others to be able to have decided wether or not they are a quality and competent as a person or not.  The role of the parent or older sibling is the job with all of the power and control who usually desperately tries to hold onto that same level of power and control even with fully grown kids/sisters or brothers.  Who would want to give up something they have taken a lifetime building?


But everyone deserves to feel like a grown up when they are deeply into their grown ups!  If they do not, it is simply because either A. the family has enabled them or B. because the family undermines their self esteem making them question themselves throughout their whole lives.  If the people that raised you dont believe in you and you have a lot of respect for them, then it usually ends up not so well for the child.  That undermining self-esteem can sit in the back of your head haunting all of your wishes in life.  It is hard.  Even when you believe in you, when the ones you love do not, it is a heavy blow that never seems to be able to be shaken off the back.


Self esteem can make or break a perfectly great person.  And usually it is the soul crushing that comes from within the family or those that we look up to.  They have a lot of lasting damaging power over us that they often like to turn back around and blame back on us.


These are some of the things that happen to adjust the power structure when children become adults.  The adults sometimes forget that they only get so long to do their raising and then, it is time to stand back and see if they were a good teacher or not.  If they (the child) starts making poor choices, you as a parent do not get the option to jump back in and continue to raise them some more.  If the child fails at making good decisions, that could possibly mean that YOU failed as a parent in your raising.  That is your own work that you are seeing them using to survive.  Most of the time though, the family only sees a part of what the whole story is.  They have no idea how we are to really use our time and solve problems and set goals.  Jeez… they dont even usually bother to ask us if we even have any goals or plans to improve our futures.  Do they just assume that we just sit around whining and picking our noses?


I just know that the holidays are wonderful and yet so stressful and can be so depressing at the same time.  They are wonderful if you have a great loving family or family of friends to surround yourself with, but can be easily as equally depressing if you do not have anyone, just lost someone or are not getting along well with the people you care about at the time.


For you all, i truly hope that you have a low stress winter holiday season and are surrounded by the love that every human being deserves.  I hope you take the time to appreciate that this moment is here… because it WILL change.  That is guaranteed.  The thing is that we just dont expect to change soon.  What i have found is that change can happen in the blink of an eye.  So now is the time to live in the moment and appreciate that the hands of change have not moved any of the ones you love out of your lives yet.  Enjoy each other.  After all, we may not even make it to Christmas if the end of the world comes on Dec 21, 2012!







Q: Is it ever anything but torturous watching a parent (and best friend) slowly dying? Answer: NO!!

I have been avoiding this post for some time now.  I guess i just did not feel it right to write about someone who i know is going to read a post about themselves and it is about dying, but this is just too big of a topic in my life right now to ignore any longer.  It is also something that is being discussed openly now between ourselves so i suppose it is time to talk about it here.

I always would ask, which would be worse, being like my grandma on my moms side who passed away earlier this year, having dementia and losing your memory but still healthy as a horse?  (She would take long walks but often not know where she walked once she got there!), OR be like my great aunt on my dads side (and my dad just the same), to be sharp as a tack up until the very end but have the body TOTALLY break down in the process.  So, is it better for your mind to go or your body to go??

I have gone back and forth with this over the years.  I used to say that severe pain would impact the choice of body breaking but there is something to be said for having your wits till the end.  It is a hard choice to make and thankfully, fate or the gods are the ones that decide that for each of us if we are lucky enough to grow old and die from it.

I know life is an ephemeral and fleeting and nothing lasts forever, so why are we so hard wired to not want those around us to ever leave us?  We all know logically that we are only guaranteed 2 things in life.  1.  We get a ticket to planet earth when we are born, and 2.  we get a ticket home when its time to go.  I like to see it as “vacation on planet earth”.  Your vacation can go one of two ways… really good or really bad.  It can be influenced by where you have to take your vacation but it does not make it a guarantee that you will have a fabulous or terrible vacation simply due to location.  However, if you get chosen to “soul up” a body in Darfur, your chances of having a super fun and easy vacation are probably going to be hard to come by.  But, that doesnt mean that you can not hopefully change the location and improve your trip.  On the other hand, you could be “souled in” to a body of a multi-millionaire’s baby and be brought up with all of the luxuries that one could imagine and be isolated or treated so poorly that it does not matter because your vacation on planet earth is just one nightmare walking amongst priceless artifacts and long cold hallways.  I think that is why happiness has much less to do with economics than it does with community.

Anyway, back to my original issue.  The thing that is so tough right now is… well, several things… But, one of them is that there are questions that can only be answered by them and this is your last chance to ask them.  What is it that i need to ask?  Once they are gone, the information they hold in their brains goes too.  You only have this chance to ask all of the questions that only this one person can answer.  AND you can not think of the questions that should be asked.  (i think this is one of Murphy’s laws (btw… who the heck is Murphy anyway?? Poor bastard must have had the most frustrating life!!).

The other thing that is so tough is letting the sick person see that you are effected by their sickness.  I do not want to cry to their face because i am so gutted that i am losing one of the most important and influential people in my life.  I want to appear strong so not to scare them.  I do not want them to see how hard it is for me because i can only imagine how hard it is for them.

I feel like time is going in slow motion, yet it is blazing past me and with each minute that ticks by, is one less minute i am on earth with them.

I think it would be so much easier on our psyches if we knew what happened to us after passing.  If you are religious, you probably automatically believe what you are told to believe.  However, since we have other things that we experience here on earth that we have no explanation for that could possibly tie into our souls local’s upon vacating the body (such as remembering past lives, old souls and ghosts) that it adds a variable of the unknown and hope i think that something is in place for us.  I do not think we are comforted by the thought that after dying our soul just evaporates and vanishes.  How could something so strong as a soul which assisted our will to live while in life, and is invisible anyway, just disappear.  I think (maybe just for convenience) we like to think that there is a place for our souls to go after this life.  The not knowing is the tough part, but also i suppose the part that keeps us as simple people and not as the mighty “God” which i think in life, we forget sometimes.

I know i am not really making any specific point here, but i just need this to start the conversation that i have on loop in my head.   My dad is dying.  He is my best friend and probably the one single person that influenced who i have become more than anyone else so far in my life.  We all know it and we are talking about it (which is very strange when it is with the person who is doing the dying!)  I thought it would be more uncomfortable talking the hard real truth’s with him but now that we are here, it is not hard, it is just so scary and sad.

I know that this is just the natural cycle of life and that if it did not happen, then we would have something really to worry about!  But it doesnt make it any easier at all.  This is a game changer for me.  It is usually for most of us even if we do not have a very good or any relationship with our parent.

In what way my life and personality will be affected is unknown to me at this point.  In fact the impression will be so huge, i dare not even speculate, but i do know that it will change my life.

I suppose when we experience loss, in a way, the gods are clearing out our lives and throwing us out into the unfamiliar world again to start anew but with newly found or understood skills to make the next path taken with a slightly different approach or a different set of desires.

Usually when i find myself in these types of places of rebuilding after major loss, i have found that when it is time to get up and go after those things i want out of life, the wants and the things and the needs have changed.  Always they have simplified and become much more basic of wants and needs.  It allows you to appreciate all that you were unable to realize while spoiled and familiar with the past experiences.

I am not (obviously) not looking forward to the soon future without the protection and love and friendship of my dad, but i embrace who i will become and what he has taught me once he is gone.  I am just so lucky and blessed to be able to have the time now to ask those last important things as well as getting some things sorted out and understood which will make our job after he goes a lot easier and a lot less stressful.  For that i am eternally grateful!

Regardless, it sucks how much we miss the ones we love once they are gone!  At least, hopefully for me, the pain will help to create new art.  And i can say that it is because of my dad that i made it on this occasion!

I love you dad!!

My dad this past year. Love you Pops! (sorry for doing a post about you:)

One of my favorite things is when i get to see cross-species friendships! Dont judge a book by its cover. You never know who you might end up being friends with!


Who says that a dog and deer cant be best buddies!

Here are some photos that will help restore your faith in humanity. We need it right now!

I came across this posting on twitter.  It made me feel better, i hope it does you too!

1. This picture of Chicago Christians who showed up at a gay pride parade to apologize for homophobia in the Church.

This picture of Chicago Christians who showed up at a gay pride parade to apologize for homophobia in the Church.

… and the reaction from the parade.

... and the reaction from the parade.

2. This story about Japanese senior citizens who volunteered to tackle the nuclear crisis at Fukushima power station so that young people wouldn’t have to subject themselves to radiation.

This story about Japanese senior citizens who volunteered to tackle the nuclear crisis at Fukushima power station so that young people wouldn't have to subject themselves to radiation.

3. This picture of two Norwegian guys rescuing a sheep from the ocean.

This picture of two Norwegian guys rescuing a sheep from the ocean.

4. This sign at an awesome bookshop.

This sign at an awesome bookshop.

5. This poll about what Snooki should name her child.

This poll about what Snooki should name her child.

6. The moment in which this Ohio athlete stopped to help an injured competitor across the finish line during a track meet.

The moment in which this Ohio athlete stopped to help an injured competitor across the finish line during a track meet.

17-year-old Meghan Vogel was in last place in the 3,200-meter run when she caught up to competitor Arden McMath, whose body was giving out. Instead of running past her to avoid the last-place finish, Vogel put McMath’s arm around her shoulders, carried her 30 meters, and then pushed her over the finish line before crossing it.

7. This exchange between a 3-year-old girl and a shopping center.

This exchange between a 3-year-old girl and a shopping center.

8. This note that was handed to a waiter along with a $20 bill by an elderly lady in his restaurant.

This note that was handed to a waiter along with a $20 bill by an elderly lady in his restaurant.

9. This sign at an awesome Subway restaurant.

This sign at an awesome Subway restaurant.

10. This picture of a villager carrying stranded kittens to dry land during floods in Cuttack City, India.

This picture of a villager carrying stranded kittens to dry land during floods in Cuttack City, India.

11. This sign at an awesome drycleaner’s.

This sign at an awesome drycleaner's.

Elite Cleaners in Minneapolis helped over 2,000 unemployed workers that couldn’t afford dry cleaning. Owner Don Chapman estimated that it cost his company $32,000 dollars.

12. This photograph of a man giving his shoes to a homeless girl in Rio de Janeiro.

This photograph of a man giving his shoes to a homeless girl in Rio de Janeiro.

13. This picture of a firefighter administering Oxygen to a cat rescued from a house fire.

This picture of a firefighter administering Oxygen to a cat rescued from a house fire.

14. And this one.

And this one.

15. This interaction between a Guatemalan girl and a tourist she just met.

This interaction between a Guatemalan girl and a tourist she just met.

16. This gesture from a neighbor.

This gesture from a neighbor.

17. These photos of two children collaborating to rescue a dog who had fallen into a ravine.

These photos of two children collaborating to rescue a dog who had fallen into a ravine.

18. This note on a young family’s check.

This note on a young family's check.

19. This exchange between a protester and a soldier during a protest in Brazil.

This exchange between a protester and a soldier during a protest in Brazil.

20. These pictures of a man jumping into rough waters to rescue a stranger’s Shih Tzu in Melbourne.

These pictures of a man jumping into rough waters to rescue a stranger's Shih Tzu in Melbourne.

Sue Drummond was walking her beloved Shih Tzu, Bibi, on a pier in Melbourne, when a fierce gust of wind picked him up and hurled him into the rough waters of the bay. A passerby, Raden Soemawinata, who happened to be on the pier that day to scatter his grandmother’s ashes, wasted no time in stripping down and diving into the bay to rescue the animal.

21. And this photograph of two best friends on a swing.

And this photograph of two best friends on a swing.

Who says you have to spend 50+k on your wedding? This is the sweetest in true SF style.


Although i love watching shows like My fair wedding and Say yes to the dress, I personally can not invision any type of over the top or church wedding. The most i have envisioned was maybe eloping with a couple friends to Vegas or even better Reno! I could not imagine spending 5-6k on a dress and another 1/2 that on a cake. It not just comes down to the stress of planning something so huge, but i can not justify spending that stupid kind of money on something that is so elaborate and lasts one sweet day, (and i also think that the more production, the bigger jinx for the success for the marriage. It makes more sense to do some large celebration after 10 successful years of marriage not before the tough stuff actually starts!)

However, there are some simple things that are romantic and make for a special occasion that i do like the idea of that do not to seem in fashion. A tiny wedding with friends and family. A good meal and good dessert. Pretty flowers. A wonderful honeymoon weekend…. You get the idea. I do not want to be married i City Hall or at some super expensive resort. I dont know where i would want to get wed if not an elopement but i do know what i do not want.

Then i came across this little video. I think out of all of the cable weddings that i have seen and even the actual weddings that i have been to, this is the MOST TOTALLY ROMANTIC WEDDING I have ever watched. I am proud to have these clever in love folks claiming the city as their home too.

Maybe we should start taking a cue from them. I think that their wedding is not going to be something that they will ever forget! It is so romantic, especially with the parents on bikes too! It is such a touching love story and i do not even know what the love story is. I am just going to stop talking and let you all just watch and enjoy!!

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I was posed the question why is your dad the best? This is my response. Happy Fathers day Dad!

My dad is the best. Period. He is so loved by my friends that he received a xmas card and they forgot me.

Dad has come to save me so many times.

From the time that i was illegally evicted and woke up to the sheriff changing the locks at 9am.

He was there (and he lived an hour away) by 10:30am. He helped me get a uhaul and a storage and then took me in for 7 months until i began school.

Several years later, on Halloween night i got a call from my roommate who was at home who said that there had been a fire.  I had left the house and all was well and within 2 hours i had no home.  I called my dad at midnight.  I woke him up but he asked me if I wanted to have him come right then and pick me up. In San Francisco… on Halloween!  The traffic alone!…!  I told him no but he was at my friends house that i stayed at by 11am the next day.  

He took me to my house where i couldnt get in, drove me down to his house and then drove back up to SF that night to try and find my cat.  He then took me in for a whole year… to the day exactly!  

These are just two of countless things that my dad has helped me or saved me so to speak.  He is my knight in shining armor.

He is my very best friend.  

He now lives in Las Vegas, but we talk about every week or two and he comes to visit 4-5 times a year even with his deteriorating health.  

He is not going to be with me for too much longer, but i know he knows and i know just how much i love him, how great of a dad he has been and that i have always been and will always be his little girl.  I love you dad!  

Happy Fathers day! 

I love you very much!!


Mr. Wright ended up being Mr WRONG!!

Per example…  I met this guy named… shall we call him Mister Wright.  He was foreign and hot and sweet and funny and available and we hit it off when he was introduced to me at a party.  He was getting ready to go back to his home country in a couple days.  I had a huge 3 storie loft and my girl friend Tracy was staying with me at the time so it was safe enough to offer to have him save some money and stay at my place for the next 2 nights until he had to leave.

The first night we all were there, was Tracy’s birthday.  I threw a little dinner party for her and then we went out to a neighborhood night spot for a couple hours.  Things seemed to be fine still….

We saw my next door neighbor down there and I offered to give him a ride back and we all hung out for a while longer.  Well, almost all of us.  All but Mr. Wright who was pouting  next door.  I didnt feel bad.  This was Tracy’s night after all.

The next day, he transformed into this gushing begging to be loved and to love me type guy.  I had known him for less than 2 DAYS!  AND, he actually said the words “let me just love you. I just want to love you”!  He was actually crying. Real fucking tears!


I knew that he had to go.  I had to get this guy out of there and quick.  It is usually not one of my easier tasks (well, back then. I have gotten much more of a spine over the years and hopefully forceful tact!) to have to be the bad guy or the mean one and deal the bad news, but it was not an option at that point.

Bye bye Mr. Wright who turned out to be oh so Mr.Wrong for me.

But that led me to think about it over the years.  Why did i not feel any empathy or sympathy?  He clearly was hurting and i shut off like installing a concrete wall.  I did not have the patience and understanding and to this day, his vulnerability that i witnessed still feels more pathetic than powerful.

After sleeping on it and thinking about this one for a little bit, i think that i know why i did not feel empathy towards his vulnerability.  I think that the whole scene was just the excuse for something else that had nothing to do with me or his staying at my place.  He clearly had some other ‘issues’ he was dealing with and it may have been easiest for him to use me as an excuse.
Either that or i am just too damn fabulous!  JUST KIDDING!!
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In memorial of my dear sweet Sasha who i lost 4 years ago today.

I know most people give me that off slanted look when i talk about a cat that died 4 years ago.  They think i am 1. a bit crazy (which may not be wrong), and 2. going to grow into one of those crazy old cat ladies who wears a lot of purple & hats and the kids are afraid to trick or treat at’s house on Halloween (this may become true too.  Who knows!).  All i know is that the friendship and commitment that this little critter and i shared for over 14 years, left a huge HUGE impact on my life.  I have never had another living creature effect my life since in such positive ways.  I now have little rescue kitty Arthur who is still terrified of everything (except me now.  Yea!) but, he is coming around.  Just because Sasha and i are cosmic friends, doesn’t mean that Arthur and I will not build one either, but no one or anything will ever replace the love i have for that darn little cat.  Here is to you Sasha!  May the afterlife be treating you beautifully.  Wait for me, i will be looking for you!  I still do miss you so.

Sasha and me just before he died. 2007.

Sasha and i when he was younger and healthier in 2003.

Sasha and Emelie in 2003.

I will let you down…




I will let you down.

I wont be around.

I will watch your empire fall.

See you knocked out back against the wall.


Dont invest in me.

I am nothing cant you see?

I am a pile on the ground.

Damaged goods just sitting around.


Take yourself away.  

Far far away.

As far as you can stay.

Just now go.  Go away.


I am nothing for you in your world.

Just trust me…

I am not the girl.



Written before a major breakup.  Found in journal. 

Breaking up IS hard to do… but finally i can now breathe!

  I am not going to delve too deeply into my personal life onto print and unleashed to the world because of several reasons, but i do have to say that after an 11 month relationship that was doomed before it started, it feels good to feel like me again.

Not every relationship we get into in life ends up how we hoped it would be.  The person never ends up being exactly who you had made them up in your mind to be.  They become real people with good days and bad days, and ways to deal with stress that isn’t  ideal.  As well as traits that seem to grate you just so.

I had not been involved with anyone in quite some time prior (due to personal choice and chaos of life, there really wasn’t a place for it and i wasn’t exactly presentable while having a nervous breakdown and emotional turmoil.) and I had forgotten how spoiled I had gotten in being able to live my life just as I liked.  I could live in my space however I chose.  I could watch whatever I wanted and talked to whoever I wanted at any time with no guilt or implied guilt.  I could keep the bed made for more than 20 hours.  I was able to stretch out and have the temp. at whatever I wanted.  And mostly, I could spend as much time giving my new kitty as much attention as I wanted and he needed.

The breakup was bad, but what was worse was the time leading up to the end.  We both were miserable and there was clearly no hope or chance in repairing.  We were a square peg and a round hole.  I invested almost a year on something that clearly failed.  It seems like too long at my age to spend on a doomed interaction, but i see people in clearly unhappy and disfunctional relationships that go on for years.  I at least am not that masoginistic but it does feel good to be back in clean energy of myself.

I see it as there are tribes and you do not have to come from the same place, be the same age, or have the same interests even.  When you meet someone from your tribe, you just know it because you just get one another.  Usually this rests on a common sense of humor or passion for certain things in life.  Usually after time, you find out that there are common traits in these people and yourself, but you dont need to know that to know when you meet one of “your” people.

Let me give you my piece of personal advice on choosing a relationship partner.  Find one of your tribe.  Hold on to them and treat them well.  They should do the same.  It is the only way to not have to sacrifice or change and question who you are as a person.  It is the only way to know that you do not have to waste a lot of unnecessary time trying to get the person to take it as you are trying to mean it.  There is nothing worse that fighting over thing after thing because the other side is taking it from a different angle than what you were trying to express.

Having someone just understand and accept who you are is such a rarity period.  Especially the older you get.  Also the older you get, usually the less people you meet.  Your circle gets smaller.  Your focus on importance of lots of things becomes much simpler as you go through life.  I suppose you could say that we get worn down a little.  Both physically and emotionally. You dont have the oomph to relive things that you did and learned from already.  You see how important the people and pets and family that truly care for you are and how rare those relationships come.  I bet you all that in 10 years time, you will not have the same people that you would expect right now would have in your life, and you will still have some that you never would have expected.  Dont prejudge friendships and dont think that they automatically last forever. Nothing does.  Everything is ephemeral. Period.  Dont take things for granted.  Find out who you are and dont lose yourself completely. Do nice things for others even if it is really to make yourself feel good… which comes to my last lil thought gem… always appreciate a two-for!  (those are the win win… when it is bad bad it is a double whammy 🙂