How many parts of us lay dormant for maybe years to be one day awaken?

Is it just me or does this happen to other people too?  I have a feeling it does.  It happens like maybe one or two times a decade… where i will be living within a particular set of emotions.  They seem to be wide ranging and diverse, but… alas… they are just the ones that have been chosen by my brain to do the job of living.  It is the safe set.  Sometimes not a healthy set, but it is a functional set.

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Sometimes, no matter what kind of day, even a good day, i just feel so isolated.

I hate it when i feel this way.  Nostalgic, lonely, antsy, despondent and yet at the same time hopeful.  I think also a huge contributing part is bordom and the stagnent place my life and especially my social life is in.

Usually… in fact i would say about 90% of the time i am quite content. I am usually EXTREMELY independent.  I like to do my own thing and in fact am a sort of loner (that does not count against my kitty though… we are a team!  Except when people are around!  lol).  However, once in a while, i get so depressed about the friends that i have had and the friends that i have lost and the friends that i am surrounded by now.  It all just gets a bit gloomy and overbearing on my poor little brain. Continue reading

Living on the eve of a new dawn… and not being able to stop that sunrise!

The Dawn!

The Dawn!

They always say that

“One never knows what they have got until it is gone.”

This is not and has not usually been the case for me. Nope. Instead, i can see that things are really good right now and they are changing and the changes are not ideal. I realize when i am living in one of the apex’es of my life… On the verge of a new, darker dawn. A time where things are now as intelligent and as open as they may ever be. I can see a new dawn before me, yet i am still standing in yesterday or what is today.

It is a strange feeling to be living in what feels more like a memory than the now. Usually when i think of the right now… it feels exciting and innovative and current. But sometimes it feels like the now is the yesterday or yesteryear. The golden era that once was… the good ol’ days. And it feels like right now is actually part of the past because I know what the future is looking like.

Usually when i have this kinda like reverse deja vous, it makes me very melancholy and i just wish i could push that button on that stopwatch so I can just stop time before things move into this new outline i see before me. Like a line drawing that is about to be colored in. That is what the future feels like. You know what it is going to be (in its simplest form) and you know what these changes are going to do to the reality that you have grown your life around and into. You know that big things are about to change. Drastically.

The familiar markers that you thought were a part of the landscape that was a permanent fixture of the main picture. You thought that certain infrastructures as a part of the fabric that you have come to count on would be part of that picture forever. That, without that part of the landscape infrastructure, it would or could never survive. That it has relied on these components for so long that you assume that it is and will be like that forever.

I think that this is an optimistic and naive perspective and not surprising from someone who’s generation has never seen the face of a drafted war or famine.

I am sure that all of those jewish people who were just living their lives in Germany, going about their business like they had been doing for generations were caught off guard when all of a sudden their friends and colleges were being harassed and eventually moved into ghettos. They never thought that that would be their reality or that they would not be doing what ancestors had been doing for generations. No, Their reality and future was MUCH much different. They would be fighting for their lives with many of them losing that fight, and the ones that managed to survive, their towns, and their families and communities did not.

My point is this… What if those German Jewish people were able to see what was in store for them before it was actually become a reality? It would make one despondent yet so desperate to try and capture the reality before the darkness. To remember it and keep it with you for always.

But that makes one not really interact within their lives. Because it feels more like interacting with a scene on a set. You cant really dig roots or make any plans for one’s future when that future is so different and unknown. What do you do?

I think this has been how it has been for me for a good portion of my life. At least my adult life. I think that this is EXACTLY why i have never gotten married or had any children and i think it is a huge contributing component to why i have suffered depression so severely over the past 20 years. It can be a never ending downwards free fall of despondence. Along with that guilt and a warm fuzzy feeling of nostalgia.

I guess i am saying that it is a very weird feeling to be having a lifetime apex moment and at the same time being so totally aware that things will never be better than this very moment and you can not hold onto it. It is elusively slipping away as the seconds tick by. It kinda feels a little bit out of body experience.

It is just bizarre.IMG_1292

Top 11 things that I innately know but can not prove…in no particular order….

I was watching a movie called The Red Violin.  While watching it, my brain started thinking about how stringed instruments seem to resinate with our emotions.  It is almost like the pitch of the cello is the same wavelength as the feeling of sorrow etc.

Anyway, from here i started wandering through thought and realized that there are things that i am pretty sure of if not damn well sure of, that one could never prove.  They are just things that happen to be true.  Some of the things I know due to personal experience, some are just innately obviously so.  All and all it still tells me the last one all over again and that is that we just dont know much.

 So, here is my short list… Do you agree?  What is your list?

  1. Music has power.  Music reaches a deeper level in our souls than most other things.

2. Love is the most powerful thing in each of us

3.  Greed is a close CLOSE 2nd.

4.  Some people are born with old souls.

5.  Animals feel complex emotions.  (sorry… i could not just give you one picture of animal love!  I just love the animals too much to chose!)

6.  Some people actually CAN see people’s color auras.  My dad’s friend predicted my grandma’s death after meeting her once about 6 hours before she died.  She told my dad BEFORE she died that she was surrounded in a death aura.  She died 4 hours later.)

7.  Music is linked to memory.  If you need to memorize something, put it to music.  You have a much better chance of keeping it in the memory banks!  For godsake, if you see the words and put a bouncing ball over it as it goes, you will NEVER forget it!  Just ask me… i’d be happy to sing you the Pete Ellis Dodge commercial from the early 80’s!

8.  Dreams, smells and music are the only things that can take you back to a specific time and place for a moment.

9.  color CAN effect your mood.  Paint is the cheapest bang for the buck for house improvement!

10.  We are not supposed to live forever.  Everything is ephermal.

11.  And finally, although we are unlocking a lot of knowledge now with the help of science, our brains have a long way to go!  We are in our infancy when it comes to accessing the brains powers.

Well, what do you think?  come on… Dont be shy!  Please tell me any that were missed on my short list.  They just come to you.  You know these things but dont ever really think about it.  So when one does, write it down!

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