Living on the eve of a new dawn… and not being able to stop that sunrise!

The Dawn!

The Dawn!

They always say that

“One never knows what they have got until it is gone.”

This is not and has not usually been the case for me. Nope. Instead, i can see that things are really good right now and they are changing and the changes are not ideal. I realize when i am living in one of the apex’es of my life… On the verge of a new, darker dawn. A time where things are now as intelligent and as open as they may ever be. I can see a new dawn before me, yet i am still standing in yesterday or what is today.

It is a strange feeling to be living in what feels more like a memory than the now. Usually when i think of the right now… it feels exciting and innovative and current. But sometimes it feels like the now is the yesterday or yesteryear. The golden era that once was… the good ol’ days. And it feels like right now is actually part of the past because I know what the future is looking like.

Usually when i have this kinda like reverse deja vous, it makes me very melancholy and i just wish i could push that button on that stopwatch so I can just stop time before things move into this new outline i see before me. Like a line drawing that is about to be colored in. That is what the future feels like. You know what it is going to be (in its simplest form) and you know what these changes are going to do to the reality that you have grown your life around and into. You know that big things are about to change. Drastically.

The familiar markers that you thought were a part of the landscape that was a permanent fixture of the main picture. You thought that certain infrastructures as a part of the fabric that you have come to count on would be part of that picture forever. That, without that part of the landscape infrastructure, it would or could never survive. That it has relied on these components for so long that you assume that it is and will be like that forever.

I think that this is an optimistic and naive perspective and not surprising from someone who’s generation has never seen the face of a drafted war or famine.

I am sure that all of those jewish people who were just living their lives in Germany, going about their business like they had been doing for generations were caught off guard when all of a sudden their friends and colleges were being harassed and eventually moved into ghettos. They never thought that that would be their reality or that they would not be doing what ancestors had been doing for generations. No, Their reality and future was MUCH much different. They would be fighting for their lives with many of them losing that fight, and the ones that managed to survive, their towns, and their families and communities did not.

My point is this… What if those German Jewish people were able to see what was in store for them before it was actually become a reality? It would make one despondent yet so desperate to try and capture the reality before the darkness. To remember it and keep it with you for always.

But that makes one not really interact within their lives. Because it feels more like interacting with a scene on a set. You cant really dig roots or make any plans for one’s future when that future is so different and unknown. What do you do?

I think this has been how it has been for me for a good portion of my life. At least my adult life. I think that this is EXACTLY why i have never gotten married or had any children and i think it is a huge contributing component to why i have suffered depression so severely over the past 20 years. It can be a never ending downwards free fall of despondence. Along with that guilt and a warm fuzzy feeling of nostalgia.

I guess i am saying that it is a very weird feeling to be having a lifetime apex moment and at the same time being so totally aware that things will never be better than this very moment and you can not hold onto it. It is elusively slipping away as the seconds tick by. It kinda feels a little bit out of body experience.

It is just bizarre.IMG_1292


I kinda feel like it is the calm before the storm…


I kinda feel like i am on that second before the wash turns to rinse and starts spinning me around till i lose my lunch and wind up with a major headache and minor nervous break-down.

Do you ever just stand there thinking that it totally sucks right now, but i know that in a few years, this is going to be what i so fondly remember?  The BS only adds humor at that point.

It is strange.  I know things are really hard for me, however, i feel like this is kinda like the last days of a golden tinged era.  One that i will look fondly back on because it is hard but still good.  I am mostly in control of my life.  I appreciate everything that is in it.  And i think things are gonna change big time for not just me but many of us.

I am so thankful to have been raised a slightly older generation than these poor kids today.  I can not imagine working hard as a kid in school and in life to have almost zilch for prospects unless you happened to be bankrolled prior.  I can not imagine being able to find a job, especially one that makes enough money to go to a state school even.  When i was young, College was available for all that wanted to go and worked hard.  Fin-aid + a part time job or two could have gotten you a degree.  Not these days & i just dont see anything in power giving a shit!?!  This sure lends itself to a bleak outlook on our future.

I hope this is not the case.  Instead, for me,  this is a little wake up to how the grass is as green as you believe it to be.   I hope this is not, but if this IS the dawn before the storm, i DO appreciate it as pathetic as I may be!   I may be pathetic, but at least i am free thinking, free living and loving all around me.  I hope i take a little of this with me always through whatever & wherever my life may lead.

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Emelie’s ideas on finding your right career…

Emelie’s ideas on careers

At the sweet old(er) age of 37, I have learned a lot of things about finding a career that works for you.  When i was a kid growing up, there were not many avenues for those of us that fall under the category of “creative” without having it be within the conventions of any job with a degree.  I took classes in high school that were aimed towards college prep.  Nobody ever gave me the option of anything else.  If i wanted a creative job outside of a college degree, i should go to beauty school.  If i am a guy, i go to a trade school or start working in labor.

The idea of focusing my classes towards attending art school was not ever even brought up, which in retrospect if find very interesting considering that i was born and raised in Santa Cruz Ca. who prides itself on being an “artist town”.  Supporting lovers of art, buyers of art but clearly not training of artists or supporting of emerging artists.  It is an expensive town, so it doesn’t really support artists making a home and even a living there.  You have to just have rich art buyers of already established artists to call yourself an “artist community”.  Considering how locals love their art, never once did anybody ever talk about the idea that there art schools all over the US that specialize in art, and that IS a valid alternative to universities.

I have never done well in conventional learning environments.  I never wanted to go to 4 years of college (5 or 6 years probably these days).  I never wanted to go to work in the financial district or for corporate America, nor did i want to be a hairdresser.  I did not know what my options were but the ones being presented to me, did not sound appealing.

Both of my parents resisted the idea of me becoming an artist when i finally came to them at the age of 27, telling them i was going to go for it.  They told me it was ok for art to be a “hobby” but i would still need to get a “real job” and i could do my hobby in my free time.  This was a real blow for me.  Especially because i actually had an uncle (my mom’s brother who has now passed) who was actually a very very successful professional artist with permanent installations all over the US.  He and his wife (Dick and Jane,  look it up, they have a house that is on the aaa guide of roadside attractions!) (keep an eye for an upcoming post on my Aunt and passed Uncle, Dick Elliott & Jane Orleman.) was the one who gave me hope and kept my head up when i was getting negative support from my parents.  He gave me incredibly good advise.  Not easy advice but good advice. (and not all that I have taken and probably why i am not at all as far as i would have liked to be right now with establishing myself as a working, successful artist.)

Anyways as i sit here thinking about the youth of today, i think they have it a little better if they are the creative type then I did at the time I was their age.  There are many more areas of creativity that one can make a living at these days with technology integrated into our lives.  And if the interest lies in an even more specialized creative field, they have the ability and the know to go research their options.  At that age for me, i just had to rely on the knowledge of those around me to know what was out there and how to break into that field.

Close minded people were the biggest hurdle for me to find my place in a creative world.  It has taken me to not accept the thoughts that there is no point in trying, because hardly anybody actually succeeds in those fields, and instead telling myself i have nothing to lose trying.  Anybody will NOT succeed at ANYTHING  they want to do if they don’t ever try.   If you give it your all and fail, at least you can say you did and it didn’t work, but if you don’t ever even give it a shot, then you will without a doubt never make it in that field.  You are taking your odds down to 0% chance if you never try.

I believe that if you don’t really find something interesting and can become fascinated with, you will never succeed at maintaining passion with that job.  If your interest is chasing the mighty green dollar no matter what the job, than that is your fascination and that will keep you interested enough to succeed.  If you love animals, then that is where you should be looking to find something that will keep you interested in what you do for the long term.  If you chose a career that only works for you because there is a growing industry in that field but it doesn’t really interest you, you may have a career in that field, but i have a feeling, you may end up one of those people who feel empty in their lives down the road.

Bottom line… Do what you love and you will always be successful.  If you know where your passion lies, then there is a job for you in that field if you look hard enough.  What i always suggest to do if you are having a hard time landing a steady employment in a company or field that you KNOW you love, volunteer or intern for a short time.  It may seem like you are working for free initially, but the connections and being on the inside may just make that time the best investment you ever can make because you will finally have access to what you are passionate about, that you can build your future around.