Why do i have so much sadness inside of me yet at the same time, i am filled with joy a lot of the time. The sadness is always there though. I suppose it is part of my depression that makes it linger so. It is very easy for me to become despondent at the flip of a switch lately. In the past while in a depressive state, it seemed to come on a bit slower and last for a while. Now it comes like a freak flash flood. I usually feel better after getting a good night sleep but not always. Not today. Is it past memories and loss? Is it loneliness? Is it fear? I do not know. I just know that i hate it when it happens. I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately and usually it is an either or because the depression is quite sedating and the anxiety revs up my frustration and gets me a bit angst which is an activating emotion. It is a strange feeling when they are both coming on at once. I have medication that helps me to fight either one of these extreems, but even with that, sometimes the depression/anxiety have the floor.
I have been through a lot. I am still going through a lot. I will always probably be going through a lot but does this mean that these sadness bouts and high anxiety periods will be with me forever?
I am in general a quite happy person. I love to laugh and smile and be kind and generally just enjoy life. I like people and am not afraid to talk to strangers. I find people fascinating and enjoy interacting with them, but it seems that i do it less a and less lately because i just kinda feel a divide between me and the real world. I am sure i am not the only one who feels this but it doesnt make it any easier. And finding others that have this happen is also tough because depressed people dont usually go out into the world and when/if they do, they dont usually interact with it.
A lot of the time i just feel like a walking (or sitting) contradiction. Happy and truly happy yet at the same time totally sad and despondent. How can this be? It seems like they should maybe cancel each other out and leave me sitting here just kind of ho hum but no. I can feel one extreem at the flip of a switch and then back to happy. And i mean really despondent like life taking despondent (dont worry… i would never kill myself but i can not deny that it is thought about a bit.) and then snap back out.
When this despondence hits (with a vengeance), i go from being just fine to fighting back tears and the desire to find my bed and pull the covers all the way up over my head and lock myself safely away.
My friends and even family dont usually get this. They (and probably i would do the same) take it personally and think that i am just trying to get extra attention or having a drama episode. This is not it at all. I just go very very quickly to a very dark lonely place that is difficult to extract myself from in a snap.
It is kinda embarrassing when this happens. People dont know what to do with me then. They even sometimes get mad at me because i guess they think i am mad at them? But that is not it. People just dont understand. I just get very very depressed all of a sudden and then all of this pain that lives inside of me is revealed. I look totally unhinged (which, well, kinda sounds like i am!) but the strangest thing that i find is that people usually dont have much compassion when i am thrown into one of these states.
It does make living life a lonely place because no one really knows how deep the pain goes or really wants to have to take on the task of finding out. It is ok. I am used to this. I am used to dealing with tough emotions alone. In fact i am used to just plain ole spending time alone (well, with kitty of course when he is not hiding under the bed!).
I just wish it didnt happen at all. I wish i could be one of the “normal” people of the world with balanced emotional states. A non flip floppy existence in life. There is probably a lot of shame and stigma that i attach to myself as well separating me from the masses which in turn leads to isolation which can not be helpful sometimes.
Bottom line. Through life, i feel like i am a truly walking oxymoron. Maybe i just need to drop the oxy and lighten up… if it were only that simple! De