Sometimes, no matter what kind of day, even a good day, i just feel so isolated.


I hate it when i feel this way.  Nostalgic, lonely, antsy, despondent and yet at the same time hopeful.  I think also a huge contributing part is bordom and the stagnent place my life and especially my social life is in.

Usually… in fact i would say about 90% of the time i am quite content. I am usually EXTREMELY independent.  I like to do my own thing and in fact am a sort of loner (that does not count against my kitty though… we are a team!  Except when people are around!  lol).  However, once in a while, i get so depressed about the friends that i have had and the friends that i have lost and the friends that i am surrounded by now.  It all just gets a bit gloomy and overbearing on my poor little brain.

My problem is this though when it comes to meeting new people.  I am not like them.  I do not do the same things as them, i do not have the same responsibilities as them nor the same stresses as them.  I have my own unique set of flaws that at this moment in time, are heavily discriminated against and at the very least looked way WAY down upon.

I do not need to hear the lectures from the masses or even the few.  I do not want to put myself out there for people to shun as the outcast.  It is hard to because, i feel so different than them.  My path has not been like most other peoples.  It involved some things that derailed me and took me off track for over a decade and the next has been trying to rebuild.

I am happy with who i am and i do not hate myself or think that i am a bad person for not following the norm of having kids and getting a corporate job.  I am finding my own way and i am the one who has had to make the sacrifices to my life because of it.  But they have been smart sacrifices and needed sacrifices.  Just not much appreciated sacrifices, at least by the masses.

In this new generation that has come through, the ever present commonality that i have noticed is this ability to be completely disconnected to the concept that there are other eras that have lived very differently and it is not so easy for them.  They seemed to have lost the empathy gene durring all those hours of xbox.

So, you may be asking what on earth could make her such an outcast that she can not seem to be able to find like minded people to match?  I will not delve out to you all of my bad habits and secrets, but here are a couple so you know what groups i do not relate with…

  • no kids…. so no other moms.
  • no dog.  Cats keep one inside and away from the other pet owners. (but i do still mooch off of the people with dogs out there!)
  • I am not tech savvy.  At all.
  • I can not easily bike up these god awful hills in San Francisco.  I can barely hike them!
  • I am (here is a clincher!) a smoker (now you know why i the hills and bikes and me are not friends!).  I know i  know.  If i had known then what i know now it would not be an issue.
  • I have never been married.  I have never owned a home.
  • I had a trust account at one time, but now i am living on a fixed income.
  • I suffer from both mental and physical weaknesses.  They can really put me out of commission.

Anyway, you get the idea.  I also live with 3 other guys who are total pigs and not the most normal of roommates.  They seem to keep me feeling like the whole neighborhood cringes a little bit when they have to hear or think of us over here.  I hate not being on good terms with neighbors!

So basically i have had a trainload of nightmare after nightmare taking up all of my good ole securing the future time.

I am also starting to lose close friends.  These are the ones that we all think it is just too early for them to be gone.  (5 friends and family members not counting 2 fish and a cat over the last 2 years).

So, although it is rare.  Once in a while i have one of these melancholy nights where i am actually lonely.  Lonely for a good friend.  Someone who really gets me without me having to try.  Someone who i can be rolling on the ground in stitches with.  Someone who i can learn more from and i can learn more about me from.  Someone from my own tribe….

…I guess that instead of reveling in my own misery and getting all weepy eyed, it looks like it is time to bribe kitty out from under the bed.  He always makes good company and definitely entertaining.  Oh thank heavens for fluffy pets!!

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Writings from my world and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , by bluepearlgirl's world. Bookmark the permalink.

About bluepearlgirl's world

Hello. My actual name is Emelie. I am an artist in San Francisco. I started out my early life deep in the Santa Cruz mountains. I left Santa Cruz shortly after graduating High School in 1992 and moved up to the city. I have been in sf ever since and more specifically Bernal Hts. since 2009. I work in a number of mediums usually depending on the space i have to work in. In SF that can vary greatly! I look forward to sharing my thoughts, observations and photos with you all. Hopefully at the very least i will give you a little chuckle once and a while. Thank you for stopping and reading my little blog. I encourage all who stops by to leave comments. I will read them all and appreciate the time you spend with me! Sincerely to you all! Emelie (aka, Bluepearlgirl) To see some of my artwork, please check out www.artwanted.com/emelie ........... Another blogger Mskatiekins sums my blog up pretty well... here is what she said.... "BluePearlGirl’sWorld – This is one diverse blog. This sassy gal tackles big issues as well as posting funny and uplifting little pick-me-ups. I’d love to learn more about you and your art/creativity!"

8 thoughts on “Sometimes, no matter what kind of day, even a good day, i just feel so isolated.

  1. Bless you sweet heart! You so don’t need to be like anyone else, you have different fingerprints on purpose, because you’re amazing just the way you are!
    Praying wonderful things in your future.
    Kimmy

  2. I can’t say I know how you feel completely because I am married with kids and own a home but I didn’t have all that 16 years ago.However, before I met my husband I had bouts of loneliness. I didn’t know why then but I kind of do now. And even after I met my husband, I sometimes would get this empty feeling for no reason it seemed and he would help me through it. Now I’m not at all saying find a man because in fact I am going to be leaving mine. I am scared of being on my own. In lots of ways I have been in this marriage but basically I left my mom to live with him. And it’s going to be a lot harder because of the house and kids. I don’t regret it. Love my girls and still love him but too many problems to overcome.
    But one thing good about your life is it is yours alone to change. You do not have to make decisions based on others. Check out my latest blogs. Hint: Smile

    • I definitely will check out your blog. Thanks for sharing your story. From my end, let me just say, that there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of being on your own. There is FREEDOM! There is independence. You can eat whatever and whenever you chose. You can take a whole day and be lazy never getting out of your pj’s. You can watch anything you like on TV.

      …All in all, it may take a moment to re-adjust to singledom, but it is not such a bad place to be!

  3. Hang in there girl. I know that you have a lot going FOR you. You have survived many disruptions in your life. And as one of your other respondents said “This too will pass.

please join the discussion and add your thoughts!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s