Living on the eve of a new dawn… and not being able to stop that sunrise!


The Dawn!

The Dawn!

They always say that

“One never knows what they have got until it is gone.”

This is not and has not usually been the case for me. Nope. Instead, i can see that things are really good right now and they are changing and the changes are not ideal. I realize when i am living in one of the apex’es of my life… On the verge of a new, darker dawn. A time where things are now as intelligent and as open as they may ever be. I can see a new dawn before me, yet i am still standing in yesterday or what is today.

It is a strange feeling to be living in what feels more like a memory than the now. Usually when i think of the right now… it feels exciting and innovative and current. But sometimes it feels like the now is the yesterday or yesteryear. The golden era that once was… the good ol’ days. And it feels like right now is actually part of the past because I know what the future is looking like.

Usually when i have this kinda like reverse deja vous, it makes me very melancholy and i just wish i could push that button on that stopwatch so I can just stop time before things move into this new outline i see before me. Like a line drawing that is about to be colored in. That is what the future feels like. You know what it is going to be (in its simplest form) and you know what these changes are going to do to the reality that you have grown your life around and into. You know that big things are about to change. Drastically.

The familiar markers that you thought were a part of the landscape that was a permanent fixture of the main picture. You thought that certain infrastructures as a part of the fabric that you have come to count on would be part of that picture forever. That, without that part of the landscape infrastructure, it would or could never survive. That it has relied on these components for so long that you assume that it is and will be like that forever.

I think that this is an optimistic and naive perspective and not surprising from someone who’s generation has never seen the face of a drafted war or famine.

I am sure that all of those jewish people who were just living their lives in Germany, going about their business like they had been doing for generations were caught off guard when all of a sudden their friends and colleges were being harassed and eventually moved into ghettos. They never thought that that would be their reality or that they would not be doing what ancestors had been doing for generations. No, Their reality and future was MUCH much different. They would be fighting for their lives with many of them losing that fight, and the ones that managed to survive, their towns, and their families and communities did not.

My point is this… What if those German Jewish people were able to see what was in store for them before it was actually become a reality? It would make one despondent yet so desperate to try and capture the reality before the darkness. To remember it and keep it with you for always.

But that makes one not really interact within their lives. Because it feels more like interacting with a scene on a set. You cant really dig roots or make any plans for one’s future when that future is so different and unknown. What do you do?

I think this has been how it has been for me for a good portion of my life. At least my adult life. I think that this is EXACTLY why i have never gotten married or had any children and i think it is a huge contributing component to why i have suffered depression so severely over the past 20 years. It can be a never ending downwards free fall of despondence. Along with that guilt and a warm fuzzy feeling of nostalgia.

I guess i am saying that it is a very weird feeling to be having a lifetime apex moment and at the same time being so totally aware that things will never be better than this very moment and you can not hold onto it. It is elusively slipping away as the seconds tick by. It kinda feels a little bit out of body experience.

It is just bizarre.IMG_1292

Advertisements
This entry was posted in things lost, Writings from my world and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , by bluepearlgirl's world. Bookmark the permalink.

About bluepearlgirl's world

Hello. My actual name is Emelie. I am an artist in San Francisco. I started out my early life deep in the Santa Cruz mountains. I left Santa Cruz shortly after graduating High School in 1992 and moved up to the city. I have been in sf ever since and more specifically Bernal Hts. since 2009. I work in a number of mediums usually depending on the space i have to work in. In SF that can vary greatly! I look forward to sharing my thoughts, observations and photos with you all. Hopefully at the very least i will give you a little chuckle once and a while. Thank you for stopping and reading my little blog. I encourage all who stops by to leave comments. I will read them all and appreciate the time you spend with me! Sincerely to you all! Emelie (aka, Bluepearlgirl) To see some of my artwork, please check out www.artwanted.com/emelie ........... Another blogger Mskatiekins sums my blog up pretty well... here is what she said.... "BluePearlGirl’sWorld – This is one diverse blog. This sassy gal tackles big issues as well as posting funny and uplifting little pick-me-ups. I’d love to learn more about you and your art/creativity!"

2 thoughts on “Living on the eve of a new dawn… and not being able to stop that sunrise!

  1. I thought this was a very interesting post. It made me think of 911. How that the twin towers were apart of New York City’s skyline and how many movies date themselves when they appear. Something I thought was always going to be there and today it’s no more. I remember the last time I saw those two buildings I was flying out of New York coming back to Hawaii… Your picture “the dawn” reminds me of a picture I took from an airplane as the sun was coming up. I do hope you will check it I have it posted on first blog issue “Does God Exist?” I really don’t get the opportunity to have dialogue with people that share the same interest I have. But I hope to hear from you.
    -Heath-

    • i totally feel you heath! 9/11 was such a marker… the old world and the new. I dont think i was ready to give up the old for this new. I hate seeing something so perfect and knowing its days of life are numbered! Every time i look at our city skyline i (often snap a picture!) think wow… in a year or 2 or 5 this will not be the same city anymore. Not just the skyline.. but the SCALE! those beautiful victorians that have made this town what it is are becoming seen more and more as being a waste of space when one can only hold max 6 households… put in some condos! It sucks! I hope a few of the old guard will continue to be activists but so many have left. we have kinda given up the fight because after 9/11 the world has so changed! Who knows if there is a god or a creator and if we do, wether it is the creator of the solar system the planet or the universe? … And… what is beyond the universe??? I doubt these things i will ever know. But the convo. about it is interesting and thought provoking! thanks for your heartfelt response. Glad to have you as a reader! make your self at home!

please join the discussion and add your thoughts!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s