I really hate it when depression hits me like a ton of bricks in the blink of an eye!

Why do i have so much sadness inside of me yet at the same time, i am filled with joy a lot of the time.  The sadness is always there though.  I suppose it is part of my depression that makes it linger so.  It is very easy for me to become despondent at the flip of a switch lately.  In the past while in a depressive state, it seemed to come on a bit slower and last for a while.  Now it comes like a freak flash flood.  I usually feel better after getting a good night sleep but not always.  Not today.  Is it past memories and loss?  Is it loneliness?  Is it fear?  I do not know.  I just know that i hate it when it happens.  I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately and usually it is an either or because the depression is quite sedating and the anxiety revs up my frustration and gets me a bit angst which is an activating emotion.  It is a strange feeling when they are both coming on at once.  I have medication that helps me to fight either one of these extreems, but even with that, sometimes the depression/anxiety have the floor.  

I have been through a lot.  I am still going through a lot.  I will always probably be going through a lot but does this mean that these sadness bouts and high anxiety periods will be with me forever?  

I am in general a quite happy person.  I love to laugh and smile and be kind and generally just enjoy life.  I like people and am not afraid to talk to strangers.  I find people fascinating and enjoy interacting with them, but it seems that i do it less a and less lately because i just kinda feel a divide between me and the real world.  I am sure i am not the only one who feels this but it doesnt make it any easier.  And finding others that have this happen is also tough because depressed people dont usually go out into the world and when/if they do, they dont usually interact with it.  

A lot of the time i just feel like a walking (or sitting) contradiction.  Happy and truly happy yet at the same time totally sad and despondent.  How can this be?  It seems like they should maybe cancel each other out and leave me sitting here just kind of ho hum but no.  I can feel one extreem at the flip of a switch and then back to happy.  And i mean really despondent like life taking despondent (dont worry… i would never kill myself but i can not deny that it is thought about a bit.) and then snap back out.  

When this despondence hits (with a vengeance), i go from being just fine to fighting back tears and the desire to find my bed and pull the covers all the way up over my head and lock myself safely away.  

My friends and even family dont usually get this.  They (and probably i would do the same) take it personally and think that i am just trying to get extra attention or having a drama episode.  This is not it at all.  I just go very very quickly to a very dark lonely place that is difficult to extract myself from in a snap.  

It is kinda embarrassing when this happens.  People dont know what to do with me then.  They even sometimes get mad at me because i guess they think i am mad at them?  But that is not it.  People just dont understand.  I just get very very depressed all of a sudden and then all of this pain that lives inside of me is revealed.  I look totally unhinged (which, well, kinda sounds like i am!) but the strangest thing that i find is that people usually dont have much compassion when i am thrown into one of these states.  

It does make living life a lonely place because no one really knows how deep the pain goes or really wants to have to take on the task of finding out.  It is ok.  I am used to this.  I am used to dealing with tough emotions alone.  In fact i am used to just plain ole spending time alone (well, with kitty of course when he is not hiding under the bed!).

I just wish it didnt happen at all.  I wish i could be one of the “normal” people of the world with balanced emotional states.  A non flip floppy existence in life.  There is probably a lot of shame and stigma that i attach to myself as well separating me from the masses which in turn leads to isolation which can not be helpful sometimes.  

Bottom line.  Through life, i feel like i am a truly walking oxymoron.  Maybe i just need to drop the oxy and lighten up… if it were only that simple! ImageDe

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About bluepearlgirl's world

Hello. My actual name is Emelie. I am an artist in San Francisco. I started out my early life deep in the Santa Cruz mountains. I left Santa Cruz shortly after graduating High School in 1992 and moved up to the city. I have been in sf ever since and more specifically Bernal Hts. since 2009. I work in a number of mediums usually depending on the space i have to work in. In SF that can vary greatly! I look forward to sharing my thoughts, observations and photos with you all. Hopefully at the very least i will give you a little chuckle once and a while. Thank you for stopping and reading my little blog. I encourage all who stops by to leave comments. I will read them all and appreciate the time you spend with me! Sincerely to you all! Emelie (aka, Bluepearlgirl) To see some of my artwork, please check out www.artwanted.com/emelie ........... Another blogger Mskatiekins sums my blog up pretty well... here is what she said.... "BluePearlGirl’sWorld – This is one diverse blog. This sassy gal tackles big issues as well as posting funny and uplifting little pick-me-ups. I’d love to learn more about you and your art/creativity!"

15 thoughts on “I really hate it when depression hits me like a ton of bricks in the blink of an eye!

  1. I won’t pretend to be able to understand what you describe. I will wish you the best of luck in managing it!

  2. I believe what you’re going through is one of the hardest things for someone to go through. Depression has run in my family for generations and it can bring everything to a halt. Good for you for sharing your feelings and shedding light on this matter. You’re story helps me to realize I’m not alone so thank you for that. Good luck with your struggles and I hope tomorrow brings better light.

    • Wow. You are the 2nd person who said that same thing to me… that’ phew i am not crazy’… I am so surprised by this. There are thousands of us.. probably hundreds of thousands of us out there. It just goes to show how stigmatized it used to be. I am really glad to be living in a time where A. we have this forum to connect with others no matter where they may be, and B. we are living at a time where there is less shame and more desire for understanding of what is happening to us. I am so glad that i was able to share and share something relevant to someone out there. It made my day! And today has not been an easy one, so it couldnt have come at a better time!! Thank YOU!! 🙂

  3. it will pass, believe me…
    well not pass but you will learn to cope better with the up and downs so to speak…
    i know i wonder at times how i can be happy happy happy and the next crying as something small has triggered that intense emotion…
    people think you should just snap out of it but we know its not like that…
    Its a hard one, know how you feel but not sure what i can say to help…run, cry, yell, eat, exercise, chocolate????
    Hope you are feeling better soon….


    • Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. I have been dealing with this for a very long time. Sometimes i seem to be heavier on the depression side and deal with a lot more of that and sometimes its the anxiety raging through me. The worst is when they are both on full blast. That is when i get suicidal thought processes (do not worry. I would never take my life. My best friend did at 19 and i know what it does to those that love them and i know many love me and i could not create that kind of pain for them.) Instead, i just have to beare it and hope that this will not last too long this time.

        • That is great to hear! Mine tend to go in and out of strength. Sometimes it is when i am really under some serious stress and pressure (like a last min. move type stress) that i actually experience a little less. Maybe it is because i am so exhausted i dont have time for the depression. I dont even get it afterwards too bad, it is a WHILE afterwards that it floods in. Sometimes years later. Strange our brains are! 🙂

  4. Thank you for writing this…I know exactly what you mean. I also have experienced the switch being flipped and thought I was just going crazy. Alot has happened in my life that has wounded me deeply and when I refect on it all I feel guilty because I should have or I could have… I am grateful to you for sharing and letting me know I am not alone in this, that I’m not completely bonkers. It helps me to know that the switch does exist and that others do experience the complete despair and the joy simultaneously as I do. It is just so frustrating and confining. Now I need to try to figure out how to proceed. I have to find a way to deal with it all. I want to be the happy go lucky person I used to be. Any tips?

    • Wow. I am so surprised how little conversation that there must be on this topic. There are thousands maybe millions of us out there. You my dear are DEFINITELY NOT alone! I am so glad that i was able to touch you in a way that is hard to do unless you just understand. I always feel like not many people ever really understand me either. My family does but that is only because we have all been learning about what i go through for the last 18 years. It didnt start that way though. I got the “you have just got to buck up! and what have you to feel sorry for?” or “you are just being lazy or too sensitive etc”. That is how this disorder used to be seen as. The control and responsibility of the wearer, which you and i both know is as in our control as our sexual orientation or gender for that matter. I like to see it this way… If it were Lupis or MS or even tourettes syndrome, people would feel sorry for you having to live through an ailment but they would not look at you and say… well you did it to yourself. It s your fault and your job to fix it. However, that is kinda how we see mental health issues like depression and anxiety and bi-polar disorder and the other and that IS how we see addiction still. It would not surprise me if we one day soon learned that addiction is as much a choice as ones eye color. I believe that we are either born with or without an addictive personality. If you are unlucky enough to be born with an addictive personality, you may not chose drugs to be addicted to but being addicted to working out or gambling is no different. It is something that needs to be soothed and that soothing is usually chosen pretty young (Usually teens i would guess).

      We are slowly learning to dismantle the shame and the stigma slowly goes away. Times are getting better. (back in the day, we could have been lobotomized for it!!).

      My advice to you is find something that you really enjoy doing. I got lucky and found art. I can really go into “the zone” as i call it while doing art. It works great for me because it is an escape. We are always looking for escapes. The trick is to pick ones that are the least detrimental to your health and future. The other thing that i discovered recently is that exercise really does help. Think of it as burning out that pain. The thing that i like about it is (i always exercise outside. NO GYMS!) being outside. You would be amazed how beautiful it can be every day and how you see things that you never have noticed until that time. Mother nature did it right and there is true beauty everywhere she lies her hands. Let the beauty she created for us heal you. It really does me. I go for walks. I love it. i can go where ever i want and i can go as fast or as slow as i want. I can stop and talk to a stranger or just keep in my own head. I find getting out of your four walls helps clear out some of the depression muck. I also love walking because i can put on my headphones and sing as i walk (i avoid singing around the people of course! but no one can hear you and who cares if they can! It feels so good. Music heals. Beauty heals. Knowledge about what is manifesting to bring you to where you are heals. There are a lot of things that can help but as many if not more that can hurt. SO we may not have a choice in having this disorder, but hopefully if we are aware of the fact that we are going to need to be looking for escapes, we do have the choice (sometimes) to what we use for the escape.

      Find a doctor you like. One you feel comfortable talking to. Keep them! A good shrink and for me meds really help as well. As well as talking about it with people like you. We can help each other and that is why there are so many support groups out there for all sorts of things. It might be a good idea to look for one in your area. I went to one once for hoarders and it was an amazing experience to see about 17 people sitting around these tables pushed together who were more or less just like me. I could not believe it. I was not crazy! It is important to know. You are SO not alone. And we can help each other. We are the only ones that know truly what we go through so it makes sense to find others to hear how they deal with it and what works and doesnt. As well as possibly meeting some friends that you dont have to explain yourself to at all. There is something, well, relieving in that, dont you think?

      Thanks for taking the time to write me. You made my day and as i told another person that said very similar message as u did, i am not having an easy time myself right now and this really made me feel better. So, Thank YOU! Keep staying interactive and dont be afraid of what is real. The truth will set you free!

      Stop by and talk anytime.

  5. That’s you healing your past lives, your karma. As those Souls pass through your chakras, they have to leave their sadness behind so they can go into the Light. That creates a swing in emotions that doctors in their ignorance label as bipolar disorder when it is is simple as spirits coming through one’s energy field with their negatively charged energy and affecting our moods and sensors. It shall pass and pass completely. Of course, if you believe in pharmaceuticals and conventional (lack of) knowledge based on empirical symptom observation, you’ll keep seeing only external manifestations very similar to each other but most probably with extremely different origins – it’s up to you what you decide to believe in, you chose each step you take in your path.

    Wishing You Joy, Love and Light ((( ❤ ❤ ❤ )))

  6. Snooping around your blog again -Thanks for writing this, it struck such a deep chord in me. I’ve been dealing with “a lot” too myself and it always saddens me to think that I may be alone in this or that not many would understand what I feel. Your beautiful words just proved that’s not the case, and that as tough as life is and will probably always be, we’re never alone in all of this and there’s always a way to feel a little bit better about it -even just reading a heartfelt post from a stranger. I believe things will get better and there’s always something to be truly happy about, even if it’s hard at times -it’s worth it 🙂
    Again, thank you Emelie and I hope we will soon be the happiest we can be!

    • Amen sister! You said it all right there. As this age of technology, I feel like locally we are more isolated than we possibly ever have been. It makes us feel so alone. But the flip side is that I think on a global level, we are more connected than we ever have been too. One thing that I find to really help me if I have felt too shitty for too long and too isolated… Volunteer. I can not stress just how healing volunteering can be. You can find someone who needs help in any field so pick one you love. (For me it is animals and kids). Not only are u doing something fun and contributing, but you are also being appreciated for doing it. You also meet new people which is great. In the end, you can’t help but feel better & connected. Have a wonderful holiday! 🙂

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