I remember, when i was 26, i was really at a bad place in my life at that time. I was suffering from SEVERE depression and such severe anxiety, that i had a hard time keeping food and water down and i could not leave the house. I would sit for days just crying or stressing out so bad that that would make me start crying and getting really despondent. At this time i had not had any psychological help and i had no idea what was going on or how serious it was. I knew i was in a seriously bad place, but i did not know how or if i could get out of it.
The reasons i were in it, seemed obvious at first and they were big and easy ones to blame. And they WERE to blame! But they were not the only thing i had to blame for me to getting to where i was at that point. (Just so you know what i kinda mean, in a series of a couple years when i was 19, i went through quite a few unfamiliar situations. Heavy situations. At 19, i had lived a fairly strict and protected life as a child and had no experience in dealing with things as big as my best friends suicide, a roommate going crazy, evictions, death of grandma which put my dad into a bad depression that became at that time projected onto me. etc.. Since then, it hasn’t stopped. I have been through a bevy of unpleasant or unexpected and often life altering situations since then. I feel like I have been through it all (Not all! Thank god! But unusually strangely large amount of nightmares since my 20’s. I won’t bore you with more of my sorry ass tales
, but it has been quite an interesting last 2 decades with as many stories to match.) I think it is to even out my great childhood.. It better be at least!)
Anyway, there was this week when i was 26 years old. Nothing was better or had happened to trigger it, but i had this one week that i call my week of epiphanies. I had this amazing brain thing happening where all of a sudden, something that i didn’t even know i was wondering was understood and that actually had a huge impact of relevance to what i WAS actually thinking i needed to figure out.
It was like, i was so focused on the problems that i was trying to solve, i never even thought about why i had these problems in the first place. The obvious i had thought was the culprit but strangely, it went way WAY deeper than that.
It happened again in 2008. All of these questions that i had been mulling through my brain for years were like poof! solved. I got it. I would have never thought of that being the answer. And that time, it turned out that the answer was actually the question! It was so crazy that week!
The only other thing i can compare it too is those damn 3d posters that i thought were a hoax to try and see how many people they could get to gullibly stare at a boring poster for 45 minutes, until… you see it! WOAH! Was that there that whole time? How can i not have seen it? It was right there and I SEE IT!! Amazing!
That is kinda like what i am experiencing this week. Maybe it is my grandma’s passing, my family reunion, my 38th birthday and my 20 year high school reunion, not to mention ending a relationship. Maybe my brain is getting some perspective on things and am doing some brain sorting. Anyway, when i do figure out what it is that i am now in understanding of, i will try and let you know. In the mean time, please excuse me if you see a few brain blabbing posts this week. I know what i now understand, trying to express it in words, well, we will see….!
Epiphanies, bring it on! I am ready for you! Even if it is not on a 12 year cycle!