Living on the eve of a new dawn… and not being able to stop that sunrise!

The Dawn!

The Dawn!

They always say that

“One never knows what they have got until it is gone.”

This is not and has not usually been the case for me. Nope. Instead, i can see that things are really good right now and they are changing and the changes are not ideal. I realize when i am living in one of the apex’es of my life… On the verge of a new, darker dawn. A time where things are now as intelligent and as open as they may ever be. I can see a new dawn before me, yet i am still standing in yesterday or what is today.

It is a strange feeling to be living in what feels more like a memory than the now. Usually when i think of the right now… it feels exciting and innovative and current. But sometimes it feels like the now is the yesterday or yesteryear. The golden era that once was… the good ol’ days. And it feels like right now is actually part of the past because I know what the future is looking like.

Usually when i have this kinda like reverse deja vous, it makes me very melancholy and i just wish i could push that button on that stopwatch so I can just stop time before things move into this new outline i see before me. Like a line drawing that is about to be colored in. That is what the future feels like. You know what it is going to be (in its simplest form) and you know what these changes are going to do to the reality that you have grown your life around and into. You know that big things are about to change. Drastically.

The familiar markers that you thought were a part of the landscape that was a permanent fixture of the main picture. You thought that certain infrastructures as a part of the fabric that you have come to count on would be part of that picture forever. That, without that part of the landscape infrastructure, it would or could never survive. That it has relied on these components for so long that you assume that it is and will be like that forever.

I think that this is an optimistic and naive perspective and not surprising from someone who’s generation has never seen the face of a drafted war or famine.

I am sure that all of those jewish people who were just living their lives in Germany, going about their business like they had been doing for generations were caught off guard when all of a sudden their friends and colleges were being harassed and eventually moved into ghettos. They never thought that that would be their reality or that they would not be doing what ancestors had been doing for generations. No, Their reality and future was MUCH much different. They would be fighting for their lives with many of them losing that fight, and the ones that managed to survive, their towns, and their families and communities did not.

My point is this… What if those German Jewish people were able to see what was in store for them before it was actually become a reality? It would make one despondent yet so desperate to try and capture the reality before the darkness. To remember it and keep it with you for always.

But that makes one not really interact within their lives. Because it feels more like interacting with a scene on a set. You cant really dig roots or make any plans for one’s future when that future is so different and unknown. What do you do?

I think this has been how it has been for me for a good portion of my life. At least my adult life. I think that this is EXACTLY why i have never gotten married or had any children and i think it is a huge contributing component to why i have suffered depression so severely over the past 20 years. It can be a never ending downwards free fall of despondence. Along with that guilt and a warm fuzzy feeling of nostalgia.

I guess i am saying that it is a very weird feeling to be having a lifetime apex moment and at the same time being so totally aware that things will never be better than this very moment and you can not hold onto it. It is elusively slipping away as the seconds tick by. It kinda feels a little bit out of body experience.

It is just bizarre.IMG_1292

Is 2012 truly the mark of a new era setting in or just another year?

When i finally made it here to Las Vegas to see my dad for christmas, after a long mean winter storm hitting just before me having to fly, thus delays of course… My dad said to me… “So we are still here.  I guess those Mayans were wrong!”.

My immediate reply was… “No.  I think that they may have been right.  But i think it is a different kind of end of the world than those have been projecting.  I think it is now an era where we have almost 2+ full generations that have lived exclusively with only technology.  They do not know what the world was like before cordless things and multimedia.  They did not see how a community works together to trade information and form friendships as well as a form of community that no longer can exist when nobody is forced to talk to anyone to receive any piece of information when it can simply be googled. “

I said… that i thought that this is the era where we become closer to being enslaved (again.).  We are having our freedoms taken.. no… GIVEN away to a greed machine that has only one goal….  And you and i having any quality of life does not go well with squeezing out the bottom line drop by drop.

We have been hoodwinked… programed… set up…. We are prime for it.  Our little mega processors in our skulls are definitely programable.  That is after all what helps to  make us so adaptable.  Yes.  We may be crafty enough to have our species survive for a while, but just surviving and living a forced existence through forced behavior, labor and life, (just think Metropolis by Fritz Lang or  Orwell’s 1984.  There are people working on that dream like scenario for us right now!).

I think that for me as well as for society, this has been the golden years.  The dream like ferrie tale has been now.  And i fear is soon to be a memory.

So, if our freedoms and our ability to provide a quality of life for ourselves i

Sitting here holding my breath, enjoying the last moments of the old world.

Sometimes when i dont write, it is because i am not sure how to describe how i feel or maybe where i feel i (we) are right now.  It feels like we are in the middle of two peaks.  The lul if you will.  An in between time.  A pause in the old world right before the world changes.  And i feel that the world is about to really change.

I sit here almost mourning it.  As if it has already come and gone.  It hasen’t, but it will be soon.  This i know.  So i just sit here.  Enjoying, absorbing, living every second.  It is bitter sweet in a somewhat melancholy way.  It shouldn’t be.  But it is none the less.

This is a really hard thing to try and put into words and i dont know if i have been able to in any sort of cohesive way that anybody might be able to understand, but i just tried.  

If i have made no sense to you, chalk it up to another crazy ramblings post.  If you know what i mean, then, sit back and enjoy the time, now, before the world is to change!

Why this generation’s yuppies suck so much more than the generation that was around first in the 1980′s….

  I was down on my main shopping street this morning shopping at a little childrens consignment store that also have womens clothes in the back.  There were 2 couples inside shopping with each of their one child.  They were SO LAME!  The husband was like a nerd finally getting to go to the science fair he was following his wife and child around like a dog looking for a snack saying things like… “oh honey, do we need to get her some rain boots?  I know she has snow boots, but not rain boots.”  …I live in San Francisco, what on earth would you do buying snow boots for a one year old?   They were also totally unaware of anyone else shopping in the store.  I was in the corner looking at a rack and stepped backwards 1 step and stepped on the guy.  PERSONAL SPACE?  MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?  Not to mention, he was just blocking me in back in the womens clothing section.  Go wait outside for godsake!  This place is tiny and you are following your wife and child around like you are leashed to them.  I heard probably close to 20 “honey”‘s.  It was really pissing me off!  So much to the point that i turned around and gave them a look of pure disgust. 

By now you might be saying to yourself…  Boy, this girl has a really bad attitude problem or …It doesn’t sound to me like they are doing anything wrong other than shopping.  Both are probably true, but there is more to this than that.

 

I am becoming so angry with the selling out of San Francisco that it is becoming true hatred of these stupid people that have bought out our town.  They think that they are so fricking cool living the awesome young startup life.  The thing that they are totally ignorant about is the fact that a family or long term resident was probably made homeless thanks to them.  They march into this city and say “Ooh!  It is so cute and pretty!”  “it has such a cool style and the people here are all so… well… affluent and mostly white with some asians in there too.  Phew!

What makes this round of yuppies different than the original yuppies of the 80′s?  A LOT!  You see, the yuppies in the 80′s were a direct rebellion of the hippies of the 70′s.   They took everything that was associated with hippies and did the opposite.  What was really earthy became really glitzy.  While it was cool to recycle in the 70′s (clothing especially!) in the 80′s it was new or nothing!  And in the 70′s, thanks to the vietnam war, you never could have gotten away with flaunting one’s wealth like became popular with the 80′s yuppie generation.  

This round’s yuppies are not about flaunting their wealth, but instead, quietly judging and feeling oh so important.  This generation of yuppies are the ones that have been listening to the media’s fear campaigns for the last 20 years and actually bought that load of crap.  Now they walk around in life absolutely terrified of ANYTHING that they think will splatter bright red paint on their precious white picket fence.  

So, now, YUPPIE = NIMBY.  They are the “not in my back yard” types that are thinking that as long as they keep their bubble of protection safely secured around them, then all is well.  They do not even think to look and see if they are stealing someone elses dream in order to fulfill their own.  They do not understand that it is diversity that has made this town so beautiful not the South of Market lofts.  They dont realize that the town that they think that they bought into, they are actually part of the process which is destroying it.  Not to mention all of the people’s community’s that have been here for generations.  They just think about what a deal they got on that 1million dollar 1 bedroom flat that they bought out of city held auction that was a victim of foreclosure.  Not that 3 generations of people lived in that foreclosed unit for 45 years before the twats bought it.  

Now the new yuppies dig in their heels and proclaim that this is their neighborhood and they refuse to allow anything to possibly bring their property value down or be a possible risk for lowering the quality of the neighborhood.  May that be a venue that plays live music or a pot club.  

These people do not think with the mentality that being an individual is what makes this world so beautiful.  They think that they all should be buying a Prius and that the only color to paint a house is one of 20 shades of sand.  They are ruled by fear and fear alone.  They havent seen strife, they havent ever had to give up their creature comforts and they think that they are VERY important people.

This leaves me with a little vomit in the base of my throat.  These people do not know shit!  They just came in and took over… Just like the Spaniards and the White man.  So, i suppose that this is nothing new.  But i bet we feel all a similar feeling of invisible loss.  And sometimes visible loss.  

This is for me, mostly the loss of a collective soul that has been what drew people to San Francisco.  My ancestors were the Levi’s family who helped build this town back in the 1800′s.  It is amazing that after living here for 18 years, if I have to move, i have to look outside the city because the rents are so fricking high.  The town that i have actively been a part of and has been a part of me AND my ancestors help build! has been sold out… and mostly not even to people from this state let alone this country.  It just makes me really depressed. 

So, if you see me around the city and i have a foul scowl on my face and you hear me saying bad words like gentrification and sell out and nimby, know why.  It goes deeper than me just being a bitch.  I am being a bitch with something to lose!

It has been kind of a strange week of clarity and epiphanies (or at least new theories!)

I think my brain is shifting into trying to understand some things in a new way.  It has been an interesting week for you if you were my brain.

I remember, when i was 26, i was really at a bad place in my life at that time.  I was suffering from SEVERE depression and such severe anxiety, that i had a hard time keeping food and water down and i could not leave the house.  I would sit for days just crying or stressing out so bad that that would make me start crying and getting really despondent.  At this time i had not had any psychological help and i had no idea what was going on or how serious it was.  I knew i was in a seriously bad place, but i did not know how or if i could get out of it.

The reasons i were in it, seemed obvious at first and they were big and easy ones to blame.  And they WERE to blame! But they were not the only thing i had to blame for me to getting to where i was at that point.  (Just so you know what i kinda mean, in a series of a couple years when i was 19, i went through quite a few unfamiliar situations.  Heavy situations.  At 19, i had lived a fairly strict and protected life as a child and had no experience in dealing with things as big as my best friends suicide, a roommate going crazy, evictions, death of grandma which put my dad into a bad depression that became at that time projected onto me.  etc.. Since then, it hasn’t stopped.  I have been through a bevy of unpleasant or unexpected and often life altering situations since then. I feel like I have been through it all (Not all!  Thank god! But unusually strangely large amount of nightmares since my 20′s.  I won’t bore you with more of my sorry ass tales
, but it has been quite an interesting last 2 decades with as many stories to match.)  I think it is to even out my great childhood..  It better be at least!)

Anyway, there was this week when i was 26 years old.  Nothing was better or had happened to trigger it, but i had this one week that i call my week of epiphanies.  I had this amazing brain thing happening where all of a sudden, something that i didn’t even know i was wondering was understood and that actually had a huge impact of relevance  to what i WAS actually thinking i needed to figure out.

It was like, i was so focused on the problems that i was trying to solve, i never even thought about why i had these problems in the first place.  The obvious i had thought was the culprit but strangely, it went way WAY deeper than that.

It happened again in 2008.  All of these questions that i had been mulling through my brain for years were like poof!  solved.  I got it.  I would have never thought of that  being the answer.   And that time, it  turned out that the answer was actually the question!  It was so crazy that week!

The only other thing i can compare it too is those damn 3d posters that i thought were a hoax to try and see how many people they could get to gullibly stare at a boring poster for 45 minutes, until… you see it!  WOAH!  Was that there that whole time?  How can i not have seen it?  It was right there and I SEE IT!!  Amazing!

That is kinda like what i am experiencing this week.  Maybe it is my grandma’s passing, my family reunion, my 38th birthday and my 20 year high school reunion, not to mention ending a relationship.  Maybe my brain is getting some perspective on things and am doing some brain sorting.   Anyway, when i do figure out  what it is that i am now in understanding of, i will try and let you know.  In the mean time, please excuse me if you see a few brain blabbing posts this week.  I know what i now understand, trying to express it in words, well, we will see….!

Epiphanies, bring it on!  I am ready for you! Even if it is not on a 12 year cycle!

:)

This is what Linkedin would have looked like in the late 80′s early 90′s! Funny and pretty spot on!

Video

I remember in 1986 going to camp and they had a computer class. i was in it for two days until i switched to cooking. Programing DOS at 11 years old was NOT my thing! In fairness, i doubt it would be my thing today either. My brain needs to process more color! …enjoy!

A clarification of my blog. What it is about, and where it is headed in 2012.


I have been doing some 2012 new thinking lately.  A few things are creating this need to reflect upon my life and what it is all about not to mention this blog.

I started this blog as a neighborhood blog and posted on relavent things that i was interested in (Art and design and craft and clever things.)  It quickly became an outlet for an extreem and sudden loss of my roommates kitty  (who was mine by this time because she had adopted me almost immediately upon moving in 2 years prior and my roommate rarely came home).  She was 19 so it was her time, but it was an incredibly sudden and violent death.  VERY traumatizing.  It all happened over about 20 minutes of horrific body spasms and drooling a lot of blood.  The most heart wrenching yeowling in body writhing pain right on my bed in front of me.  My roommate happened to be home at the time (OH THANK GOD!!) and we were all crying and screaming and telling her it was ok to let go and that we loved her.)  She died in my roommates arms.  Just where she should have because she was born not breathing and he breathed for her and she came to life and so i guess one could say it was full circle.  Regardless, it was HORRIBLE to have had to watch.  I was devastated as was everyone who witnessed it.

My blog now had turned into a healing and honoring device that helped me create closure with the loss.  I also got my new little kitty Arthur 2 days after Tiki died.  The loss of her life allowed me to save little Arthur who was slated to be put to death the following day at 3pm.  I picked him up at 1pm.  He was so terrified but has really come so far in just 3 short months.  He now sleeps and hangs out on not under the bed and now has even let several people other than myself pet him.  Every day or two i have a new breakthrough with him it seems.  It is really rewarding.  And as he becomes more comfortable he shows more and more of his personality.  He is hilarious.  A true character.  More to come on this in the future, but i must get back to my original point.

I went to a great little store opening tonight down the street so i could check it out and do a posting on it (watch for it.  I am going to go back and do some photographing without all of the people there to showcase this cool shop that sells electric bycicles)  I asked someone who the owner was to get permission to take a few photos.  I explained to him that i wrote a little blog.  I may have even said neighborhood blog, but i realize that i have moved from writing and posting really relavent things to me, i had begun using it in a similar way to facebook.  It was a depository of reposted blogs that i thought were interesting with a few personally written blogs intermixed.  I think i needed to do this because not only was i mourning the death of our kitty but also two friends and an ended relationship of a year.  I was really stressed out, scattered and depressed.  The blog although was not my own writings as much, kept me still looking for things that impacted me in a profound enough way to believe it worthy of rebloging or posting.

There is nothing wrong with doing this.  It creates a depository of relavent entertainment to the times pertaining to my life.  A snapshot of culture from my perspective so to say.  But when i started to think about it, i realized that there was no real common thread to my blog.  I hadnt been writing as much about my city and neighborhood.  It was and is kinda all over the place.

I may not correct this 100% but i think it is time for me to really figure out what this blog of mine is all about.  Is it a sort of therapy?  Is it a modern culture statement?  Is it a design and art/craft showcase?  Is it a way to have a voice in this ever failing time?  I dont know, but i promise this to all of you sweet people who have followed the hodge podge of interests posted here so far, that I am going to start really writing again here.  In a sense it is going to also be part online journal.  A way for me to think aloud.

This works well in two ways.  First, i will not ever have to worry about another house fire putting my journals at risk or a move losing them, and second, i can write a lot more before my hands begin going numb while typing than writing.  I will still keep journals.  That will never leave me, but i am going to trust in the readers that they will accept my writing as a thank you to them listening to my thoughts.

It will also continue to be a neighborhood blog as well as a city blog.  However,  i havent wanted to start getting too upset and angry in my observations, and lately, that has been the thoughts associated with things that i see happening in this (once) GREAT! and now Good city of San Francisco (see posting on Sherif Ross Mirkirimi’s political witch hunt).  So i am going to write what i am pondering and what i feel and what i see around me and what i discover, and who i am.

I just thought that of this leap year with the Mayan calendar ending and all, i would begin to clarify my direction hopefully to both you all and to myself.

I look forward to seeing whats in store for us!  I hope you are too.

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