Incase you havent seen this AND havent gotten your fill of hilarious… this is for you!

Video

I came across this video one day randomly when i was looking on Youtube. I have a feeling that this may be an old viral great, but i had never seen it and i was rolling on the ground. I give that guy a clap for 1. his truly stylish atire (is it Sunday??) and 2. for his true unaware-ness of how truly bad this commercial is. It wins in the ‘so bad it is good’ category. I hope you enjoy it!

Holiday gift giving just isnt what it used to be. Mostly because they have our cash hijacked once we spend it… Even if it is a gift!

itunes gift card

itunes gift card (Photo credit: 401(K) 2012)

 

I was having a conversation tonight with a couple of friends about gifts and gift cards as well as exchanges and returns.  After about 5 minutes of discussing the gift card industry and things associated with it (Specifically a gift card i received for christmas early this year.  This was a gift card that came with a gift receipt.)   We started to realize that there was Zero, 0, Zilch. Non, Nada reason for one to be included with the card.

Then we started to realize that with the implementation of Gift Receipts, even if paid for with cash, one can ever only get store credit or an exchange.  With the gift receipt we can never prove that cash was spent on the item because they so graciously leave off form of payment so they can force you to contain the money within their company or store.

Once a gift card is purchased, the money has to go to the store.  You can not change your mind and get any kind of refund anymore.  People used to pay with checks and if you wanted to return something, and you paid by check, they would return to you cash.  Since checks are practically antiquated, the only way to get your money back is to have the original receipt and within that first 7 days, you can free your money in what ever form that you chose to pay with.

Then we started to think about how many BILLION$ and BILLION$ of dollar$ that are floating out there in our wallets, our pockets, the dumpster, the sidewalk, the cushions of the couch etc.  with a small remainder of credit on that very gift card that will NEVER be used.  Just think about the amount of money that is generated on that odd remainder!  That is technically our money still.  But it is already with the company so they really are making a double double double profit.  Profit from the initial gift card purchase and then the mark ups when spent on the items and then the unspent remainder.  All benefiting the company and the company alone.

I remember years back when we didnt like something that we got, we could go back with the tags in place within the seven days and we could get some money.  Nordstrom did this for MANY MANY years to many returners (and scammers) appreciation.

Now i think about how much money is going one way never to be able to come back if it is something we dont want these days.

Now I  can definitely see the benefit of these gift card trading (buy and sell) sites as well as places like ebay and amazon to be able to resell your brand new perfectly unused unwanted item to retrieve some cash said item.

All in all, they are fleecing us dry by the looks of it in a lot of ways, that are less obvious than higher interest rates and inflation.  There are the fees and the 1 way money flow… out of our pockets & into theirs.  It is pretty scandalous and we dont even see it or realize it happening or at least the bigger impact of what these policies truly mean for them stealing our money.

So on this year of gift giving… Do your loved ones a favor… Just give them CASH for godsake!  It is a different time than it used to be.  It is no longer seen as lazy or tacky to give cash.  It is only what we work our whole lives for!  Cash=freedom so you are actually giving them the feeling of freedom when cash is given!

People are not judged by how much they spend, but on what they spend. Give your loved one the right to chose where that hard earned money should be spent.  That way, A. the change stays with them and B. they will have a receipt showing that they paid cash incase they change their mind when they get home.  The bottom line is you are at least giving the windfall to the one you are giving to and not some financial corporation for them to take over the free world with!

Plus.. Cash is pretty!

Its Holiday Season again… Does it make you warm and mushy or give you the icky feelings of dread?

 

 

Xmas Tree

Xmas Tree (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It is also not a time in my life that i can falter at all.  This is what all that hard work and preparedness was getting me ready for.  The massive travel back and forth week at a time to get to my dads with bittersweet feelings…  thankful that i CAN be there,  that i have the time and that he is not all the way across or out of the country.  I remember when my dad was in this mode with his aunt (like a mom).  He had to drive up at least every other day from the south bay to San francisco to see her.  Even thought my parents were separated, we (or just my brother and i or just me)  would go up every or every other week.  It was exhausting.  It was stressful.  It was emotional.  It was wonderful to have been given that last bit of extra time!

 

When her time finally came, the feeling was different than i thought it would be for me.  I dont know about how my dad felt, but I had felt this really big empty spot.  A lot more empty and lonely than i would have thought in sort of a different way than i had thought.

 

We had this 2 bdrm apt. to completely go through, get appraisers out, call insurances etc as well as meeting with the lawyers and accountants.  I kept feeling like one did when they were at camp for a week and it is finally time to go home.  You are the last one to be picked up and the place feels SO empty to you.  You feel more alone in that several hours  than i think we feel most of our lives.  Leaving camp was ALWAYS a tough thing for me.  Kind of like leaving my little cat Arthur when i have to leave every time now.  Separation anxiety!  Panic.  Pure panic.

 

This year with the holidays here, its needless to say that they were very important to me.   That since my dad’s real failing health this last month i really just wanted to be with family.  It is probably going to be the last year that my whole family will be here on earth so (aside from the potential apocalypse) this year holdays are especially poignant to me and somewhat surreal.

 

I know (as i have done many many times) that this will be one of those times that i will remember when looking back form the future.  I can see history happening right before my own eyes can see it.  I can sense it.   I can feel the page starting to turn and the chapter is about to change.  I think it is one of those things that mark a major growth and changing of eras.

 

Usually music, which may have not been integrated into my life hardly at all over the last so many months, now comes on full time (not even any news or chanel 9!  No tv!  I would rather use the Roku box to play Pandora than watch tv.  And just a couple months ago, tv was my way of relaxing at the end of the day.  Now i just cant stay focused on just one thing for that much time. Music you can hear while typing or packing or eating or drying ones hair.

 

Not only that, but a whole new grouping of music is starting to mark this period of time like a big memory timestamp.  They (the songs) (wether i want them to or not!) are becoming the soundtrack for this new period of time.

 

The things i do and the way i feel and the things i see right now are going into a more permanent place in my brain banks because it is so filled with upcoming change and surrounded by such thick emotion.  I can feel myself change.  I know that pretty soon, i will never be the person i used to be.

 

For all of you “grown ups” out there, you are probably thinking to yourself… “that is called growing up”…. I know this, it still feels just a bit strange when you feel it starting to happen but you are still the same person.  It is like the forces of change are moving into your soul to make that change in accordance.

 

Some of these changes include the obvious ones like my dad and his delicate health scenario as well as all of the travel associated with it.  There is also some cracks within my family that have been revealed recently that could be game changers for the closeness we have (possibly falsely) believed we had.  It will be interesting thing to see what happens.  It may be one of those times a child must define themselves as a full grown adult to others around them even if they will always be younger or the child or whatever.  At 38, one is a full grown adult and i believe old enough for others to be able to have decided wether or not they are a quality and competent as a person or not.  The role of the parent or older sibling is the job with all of the power and control who usually desperately tries to hold onto that same level of power and control even with fully grown kids/sisters or brothers.  Who would want to give up something they have taken a lifetime building?

 

But everyone deserves to feel like a grown up when they are deeply into their grown ups!  If they do not, it is simply because either A. the family has enabled them or B. because the family undermines their self esteem making them question themselves throughout their whole lives.  If the people that raised you dont believe in you and you have a lot of respect for them, then it usually ends up not so well for the child.  That undermining self-esteem can sit in the back of your head haunting all of your wishes in life.  It is hard.  Even when you believe in you, when the ones you love do not, it is a heavy blow that never seems to be able to be shaken off the back.

 

Self esteem can make or break a perfectly great person.  And usually it is the soul crushing that comes from within the family or those that we look up to.  They have a lot of lasting damaging power over us that they often like to turn back around and blame back on us.

 

These are some of the things that happen to adjust the power structure when children become adults.  The adults sometimes forget that they only get so long to do their raising and then, it is time to stand back and see if they were a good teacher or not.  If they (the child) starts making poor choices, you as a parent do not get the option to jump back in and continue to raise them some more.  If the child fails at making good decisions, that could possibly mean that YOU failed as a parent in your raising.  That is your own work that you are seeing them using to survive.  Most of the time though, the family only sees a part of what the whole story is.  They have no idea how we are to really use our time and solve problems and set goals.  Jeez… they dont even usually bother to ask us if we even have any goals or plans to improve our futures.  Do they just assume that we just sit around whining and picking our noses?

 

I just know that the holidays are wonderful and yet so stressful and can be so depressing at the same time.  They are wonderful if you have a great loving family or family of friends to surround yourself with, but can be easily as equally depressing if you do not have anyone, just lost someone or are not getting along well with the people you care about at the time.

 

For you all, i truly hope that you have a low stress winter holiday season and are surrounded by the love that every human being deserves.  I hope you take the time to appreciate that this moment is here… because it WILL change.  That is guaranteed.  The thing is that we just dont expect to change soon.  What i have found is that change can happen in the blink of an eye.  So now is the time to live in the moment and appreciate that the hands of change have not moved any of the ones you love out of your lives yet.  Enjoy each other.  After all, we may not even make it to Christmas if the end of the world comes on Dec 21, 2012!

 

 

 

:)

 

 

I really hate it when depression hits me like a ton of bricks in the blink of an eye!

Why do i have so much sadness inside of me yet at the same time, i am filled with joy a lot of the time.  The sadness is always there though.  I suppose it is part of my depression that makes it linger so.  It is very easy for me to become despondent at the flip of a switch lately.  In the past while in a depressive state, it seemed to come on a bit slower and last for a while.  Now it comes like a freak flash flood.  I usually feel better after getting a good night sleep but not always.  Not today.  Is it past memories and loss?  Is it loneliness?  Is it fear?  I do not know.  I just know that i hate it when it happens.  I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately and usually it is an either or because the depression is quite sedating and the anxiety revs up my frustration and gets me a bit angst which is an activating emotion.  It is a strange feeling when they are both coming on at once.  I have medication that helps me to fight either one of these extreems, but even with that, sometimes the depression/anxiety have the floor.  

I have been through a lot.  I am still going through a lot.  I will always probably be going through a lot but does this mean that these sadness bouts and high anxiety periods will be with me forever?  

I am in general a quite happy person.  I love to laugh and smile and be kind and generally just enjoy life.  I like people and am not afraid to talk to strangers.  I find people fascinating and enjoy interacting with them, but it seems that i do it less a and less lately because i just kinda feel a divide between me and the real world.  I am sure i am not the only one who feels this but it doesnt make it any easier.  And finding others that have this happen is also tough because depressed people dont usually go out into the world and when/if they do, they dont usually interact with it.  

A lot of the time i just feel like a walking (or sitting) contradiction.  Happy and truly happy yet at the same time totally sad and despondent.  How can this be?  It seems like they should maybe cancel each other out and leave me sitting here just kind of ho hum but no.  I can feel one extreem at the flip of a switch and then back to happy.  And i mean really despondent like life taking despondent (dont worry… i would never kill myself but i can not deny that it is thought about a bit.) and then snap back out.  

When this despondence hits (with a vengeance), i go from being just fine to fighting back tears and the desire to find my bed and pull the covers all the way up over my head and lock myself safely away.  

My friends and even family dont usually get this.  They (and probably i would do the same) take it personally and think that i am just trying to get extra attention or having a drama episode.  This is not it at all.  I just go very very quickly to a very dark lonely place that is difficult to extract myself from in a snap.  

It is kinda embarrassing when this happens.  People dont know what to do with me then.  They even sometimes get mad at me because i guess they think i am mad at them?  But that is not it.  People just dont understand.  I just get very very depressed all of a sudden and then all of this pain that lives inside of me is revealed.  I look totally unhinged (which, well, kinda sounds like i am!) but the strangest thing that i find is that people usually dont have much compassion when i am thrown into one of these states.  

It does make living life a lonely place because no one really knows how deep the pain goes or really wants to have to take on the task of finding out.  It is ok.  I am used to this.  I am used to dealing with tough emotions alone.  In fact i am used to just plain ole spending time alone (well, with kitty of course when he is not hiding under the bed!).

I just wish it didnt happen at all.  I wish i could be one of the “normal” people of the world with balanced emotional states.  A non flip floppy existence in life.  There is probably a lot of shame and stigma that i attach to myself as well separating me from the masses which in turn leads to isolation which can not be helpful sometimes.  

Bottom line.  Through life, i feel like i am a truly walking oxymoron.  Maybe i just need to drop the oxy and lighten up… if it were only that simple! ImageDe

Guess What? Its our birthday and we are 1 years old! Happy anniversary blog*!*!*

HAPPY 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!

I can not believe 365 whole days have passed since the day that i decided to start this blog.  I have to thank my dear Bernalwood.wordpress.com and Curbed.com for leading me into the brilliant and hilarious and informative creative genius that inspired me to begin this art experiment.

When i started this blog, it did not have a real direction or purpose. (I dont know if it has a purpose now other than it being my current creative outlet and a very satisfying activity to be able to exercise my right to my own free speech without being sensored in any way (for now!).

I have always been a talker.  I think it is genetic because my mom is a BIG talker and even was a politician so i think it naturally runs in the blood.  But i also like to talk and always seem to have an opinion.  I am not trying to push my beliefs onto you, but i really do like the idea of being able to open up a conversation with total strangers that are based all over the world.  You, my beloved blog followers are representing many different parts of the globe.  It just goes to show, that issues that are important to me over here on the west coast of California can be related with in a place on the opposite side of the world.  There is not so much difference or separation as our media and governments and churches would like us to think.

Just for you to get an idea of what you all have helped me to accomplish in this year of my blog…

  • as of 2:58am on Nov. 17 2012, i have received 59,107 individual views on 417 postings. (my goal was 50,000 but dang i wish i had made it to 60,000 so that way i can figure i get about 5000 each month.  Now it is 4??? a month and i suck at math so i just dont do it. :)  But 59 thousand is not too bad for a  little girl who just babbles online!  Thank you!

Now, i would like to share some of the things that have occurred over this past 52 weeks.  A lot has transpired.  Probably no more than any other average year, but this year, i have markers so i can actually really see what has gone down.

We will start with the farewells….  I lost both friend, family and pet this year.  My Grandma passed away along with my friends Big Ben, John Paizon & Lentle.  Our kitty of 16 years; Tiki and our little Beta fish Tyrone passed as well.  However  I have gained a new Beta named Finochio and saved King Arthur from the clutches of death by less than an hour.  He is now my new family and so lovely!

My little baby Arthur!

I had 2 reunions, a family reunion and a 20 year High School reunion that both were great!

I have begun a daily intense exercise program and cleaned up my diet a bit (less sugar and trying to avoid fried at all costs!  Why then i ask is the fried food the tastiest food?)

I rode the farthest on a bicycle in SF ever (around 30 miles) in one night for the 20 year anniversary of Critical Mass.   As well as attended the 20 year anniversary of my friends awesome party by Wicked Sound Systems (yes… i used to be into early 90′s San Francisco house music scene and it was INCREDIBLE!!).

I also used for the first time and then again 2 more times (totaling 3x) , rideshares.  I really had a good experience with all three in fact and would highly recommend anyone trying it as a cheap, and environmentally friendly way to travel without having to deal with airport security!  Plus, you get to talk to people you may never meet otherwise.  I have enjoyed the ride sharing experience a lot and it is nice that there is a mode of transportation that actually has positive connotations associated with it.

The San Francisco Giants won the World Series and we found out that we are losing the SF 49ers to Santa Clara (Booo!).

I also cleared up some of my credit.

Not too bad in a single year!

But… Now for the most important message of my anniversary blog… My thanks to you, my readers.  You make writing for you so special to me.  I absolutely love that you feel comfortable leaving your comments as well as share some things about yourselves in those comments.  I love that we have an international conversation here even though one would never know it just by reading what you wrote.  I basically love you all, my blog followers and readers.  You make this oh so worth while.

While i would like to say that it doesnt matter if anyone is reading what i am posting, it makes it so much more, more… well… EVERYTHING to have you here along for this journey with me.

You all are my originals.  The first to be a part of my blog experience.  This i find very special and cool and i thank each and every one of you that took the time out of your life to share in what i have to share with you let alone leave feedback.  You all have made this first year of my blog an incredible experience and i am really looking forward to seeing what is going to be on topic for the next year.

So, in short… WE DID IT!! HAPPY 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY EVERYBODY!!  And from the bottom of my heart… THANK YOU!!

Q: Is it ever anything but torturous watching a parent (and best friend) slowly dying? Answer: NO!!

I have been avoiding this post for some time now.  I guess i just did not feel it right to write about someone who i know is going to read a post about themselves and it is about dying, but this is just too big of a topic in my life right now to ignore any longer.  It is also something that is being discussed openly now between ourselves so i suppose it is time to talk about it here.

I always would ask, which would be worse, being like my grandma on my moms side who passed away earlier this year, having dementia and losing your memory but still healthy as a horse?  (She would take long walks but often not know where she walked once she got there!), OR be like my great aunt on my dads side (and my dad just the same), to be sharp as a tack up until the very end but have the body TOTALLY break down in the process.  So, is it better for your mind to go or your body to go??

I have gone back and forth with this over the years.  I used to say that severe pain would impact the choice of body breaking but there is something to be said for having your wits till the end.  It is a hard choice to make and thankfully, fate or the gods are the ones that decide that for each of us if we are lucky enough to grow old and die from it.

I know life is an ephemeral and fleeting and nothing lasts forever, so why are we so hard wired to not want those around us to ever leave us?  We all know logically that we are only guaranteed 2 things in life.  1.  We get a ticket to planet earth when we are born, and 2.  we get a ticket home when its time to go.  I like to see it as “vacation on planet earth”.  Your vacation can go one of two ways… really good or really bad.  It can be influenced by where you have to take your vacation but it does not make it a guarantee that you will have a fabulous or terrible vacation simply due to location.  However, if you get chosen to “soul up” a body in Darfur, your chances of having a super fun and easy vacation are probably going to be hard to come by.  But, that doesnt mean that you can not hopefully change the location and improve your trip.  On the other hand, you could be “souled in” to a body of a multi-millionaire’s baby and be brought up with all of the luxuries that one could imagine and be isolated or treated so poorly that it does not matter because your vacation on planet earth is just one nightmare walking amongst priceless artifacts and long cold hallways.  I think that is why happiness has much less to do with economics than it does with community.

Anyway, back to my original issue.  The thing that is so tough right now is… well, several things… But, one of them is that there are questions that can only be answered by them and this is your last chance to ask them.  What is it that i need to ask?  Once they are gone, the information they hold in their brains goes too.  You only have this chance to ask all of the questions that only this one person can answer.  AND you can not think of the questions that should be asked.  (i think this is one of Murphy’s laws (btw… who the heck is Murphy anyway?? Poor bastard must have had the most frustrating life!!).

The other thing that is so tough is letting the sick person see that you are effected by their sickness.  I do not want to cry to their face because i am so gutted that i am losing one of the most important and influential people in my life.  I want to appear strong so not to scare them.  I do not want them to see how hard it is for me because i can only imagine how hard it is for them.

I feel like time is going in slow motion, yet it is blazing past me and with each minute that ticks by, is one less minute i am on earth with them.

I think it would be so much easier on our psyches if we knew what happened to us after passing.  If you are religious, you probably automatically believe what you are told to believe.  However, since we have other things that we experience here on earth that we have no explanation for that could possibly tie into our souls local’s upon vacating the body (such as remembering past lives, old souls and ghosts) that it adds a variable of the unknown and hope i think that something is in place for us.  I do not think we are comforted by the thought that after dying our soul just evaporates and vanishes.  How could something so strong as a soul which assisted our will to live while in life, and is invisible anyway, just disappear.  I think (maybe just for convenience) we like to think that there is a place for our souls to go after this life.  The not knowing is the tough part, but also i suppose the part that keeps us as simple people and not as the mighty “God” which i think in life, we forget sometimes.

I know i am not really making any specific point here, but i just need this to start the conversation that i have on loop in my head.   My dad is dying.  He is my best friend and probably the one single person that influenced who i have become more than anyone else so far in my life.  We all know it and we are talking about it (which is very strange when it is with the person who is doing the dying!)  I thought it would be more uncomfortable talking the hard real truth’s with him but now that we are here, it is not hard, it is just so scary and sad.

I know that this is just the natural cycle of life and that if it did not happen, then we would have something really to worry about!  But it doesnt make it any easier at all.  This is a game changer for me.  It is usually for most of us even if we do not have a very good or any relationship with our parent.

In what way my life and personality will be affected is unknown to me at this point.  In fact the impression will be so huge, i dare not even speculate, but i do know that it will change my life.

I suppose when we experience loss, in a way, the gods are clearing out our lives and throwing us out into the unfamiliar world again to start anew but with newly found or understood skills to make the next path taken with a slightly different approach or a different set of desires.

Usually when i find myself in these types of places of rebuilding after major loss, i have found that when it is time to get up and go after those things i want out of life, the wants and the things and the needs have changed.  Always they have simplified and become much more basic of wants and needs.  It allows you to appreciate all that you were unable to realize while spoiled and familiar with the past experiences.

I am not (obviously) not looking forward to the soon future without the protection and love and friendship of my dad, but i embrace who i will become and what he has taught me once he is gone.  I am just so lucky and blessed to be able to have the time now to ask those last important things as well as getting some things sorted out and understood which will make our job after he goes a lot easier and a lot less stressful.  For that i am eternally grateful!

Regardless, it sucks how much we miss the ones we love once they are gone!  At least, hopefully for me, the pain will help to create new art.  And i can say that it is because of my dad that i made it on this occasion!

I love you dad!!

My dad this past year. Love you Pops! (sorry for doing a post about you:)

Mr. Wright ended up being Mr WRONG!!

Per example…  I met this guy named… shall we call him Mister Wright.  He was foreign and hot and sweet and funny and available and we hit it off when he was introduced to me at a party.  He was getting ready to go back to his home country in a couple days.  I had a huge 3 storie loft and my girl friend Tracy was staying with me at the time so it was safe enough to offer to have him save some money and stay at my place for the next 2 nights until he had to leave.

The first night we all were there, was Tracy’s birthday.  I threw a little dinner party for her and then we went out to a neighborhood night spot for a couple hours.  Things seemed to be fine still….

We saw my next door neighbor down there and I offered to give him a ride back and we all hung out for a while longer.  Well, almost all of us.  All but Mr. Wright who was pouting  next door.  I didnt feel bad.  This was Tracy’s night after all.

The next day, he transformed into this gushing begging to be loved and to love me type guy.  I had known him for less than 2 DAYS!  AND, he actually said the words “let me just love you. I just want to love you”!  He was actually crying. Real fucking tears!

RED FLAG ALERT!  CODE RED! CODE RED!

I knew that he had to go.  I had to get this guy out of there and quick.  It is usually not one of my easier tasks (well, back then. I have gotten much more of a spine over the years and hopefully forceful tact!) to have to be the bad guy or the mean one and deal the bad news, but it was not an option at that point.

Bye bye Mr. Wright who turned out to be oh so Mr.Wrong for me.

But that led me to think about it over the years.  Why did i not feel any empathy or sympathy?  He clearly was hurting and i shut off like installing a concrete wall.  I did not have the patience and understanding and to this day, his vulnerability that i witnessed still feels more pathetic than powerful.

…….
After sleeping on it and thinking about this one for a little bit, i think that i know why i did not feel empathy towards his vulnerability.  I think that the whole scene was just the excuse for something else that had nothing to do with me or his staying at my place.  He clearly had some other ‘issues’ he was dealing with and it may have been easiest for him to use me as an excuse.
Either that or i am just too damn fabulous!  JUST KIDDING!!
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This is both funny and a little bit disturbing…I ask you… a coincidence?

Go back in your mind to last year.  There was about to be a royal wedding!  What was her dress gonna look like?  How formal was the ceremony going to be? Would they kiss on the balcony?

With Williams and Kate’s wedding, we all discovered a very traditional (yet with little touches of modernity added in there for good measure, like instead of a horse drawn carriage to bring Kate to the ceremony, they chose to use those AWESOME cars instead! and of course the 2 kisses!)

Not a one could have predicted this though.  Who would have thought that it could have been so SO similar?  Could something this crazy be a complete accident?  You tell me!

Personally, i think it is not too crazy of a concept to model a royal wedding after Cinderella.  Every little first discovers princesses through Disney and later (if they are lucky), through beauties like Diana and Kate.  It sure makes it that much easier to plan if you have an outline in color already made up for you!  Aah… maybe it is just a fluke….  I just dont know.

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I walk away….

Things are big, messy and out of control.

Begging me to come in to be a part.  More to the chaos.

A part of the problem.

A part of my downfall.

A part of the anger I do not want to feed.

 

I walk away.

 

I chose to walk away with pride and strengh.

This is not a shameful stance that i chose to take.

It takes courage. 

It takes control 

And it takes strength.

Mental strength is tougher to achieve than physical strength, 

Which is why i am so proud to feel strong,

When i just walk away.

 

I wont let another control my future and my freedoms.

My control is my strength 

And my mind is my weapon.

 

Written By,

Emelie Koshland

4/29/2010

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LIars and the victims of liars, share your story! I did… here is one of mine.

As i was stumbling through CL’s wanted adds, i came across this add asking for liars or people who have been lied to to tell them your most memorable one.  Here is one of mine.  Maybe you would be willing to share one of yours.  We all have them!
 
 
 
I have been lied to oh so many times.  One of the biggest was done by an x-boyfriend of mine.  I had just had to move and was in the process of looking for a new place.  I was staying at a friends.  He had been staying with me but could not also stay with my friend.  
 
A couple weeks into my home search, my then boyfriend came over showing me and telling me all of his new tales of being hired as a bike messenger.  This was not too much of a stretch because he is an avid fixie-no breaks- all over town- rider.  This time however he had the bag and the walkie talkie and the whole bit.  
 
After talking together, we decided maybe we should officially move in together instead of me carrying him on my back like i had done for the last two years.  We looked at cute little one bedrooms, in-laws, garden apartments and studios.  We saw i think a total of maybe 6.  
 
On our visit to our 7th, he was supposed to meet me at the unit after work.  I got there and waited, and waited, and waited.  After about 45 minutes, i decided to do some calling.  He had been talking about his new job so much, i knew the name and quickly found their phone number on my smart phone.  I placed the call and… yep, you guessed it!  He never worked there.  He did not have any job.  He just disappeared for 6-8 hours a day and then we would get together and have dinner.  
 
Needless to say, we did not talk for a long time after that. Months and months.  
 
To this day i think back to how crazy it was to have realized i had been living a lie and thankfully i never signed a lease that i would not have ever been able to afford by myself.  
 
This is just one.  I have oh so many.  Liars suck.
 
Thanks for listening.
:)

How do you tell someone that they are going crazy?

How exactly do you tell someone that you think that they may be crazy or going crazy?  How do you convince someone who is paranoid delusional that it is all in their heads?  How do you convince the ones you love that they really do need HELP?  And you are not trying to be mean or call them names, but you really think that they need to see a doctor?

This is what i just had to deal with with a close relationship.  He desperately needs help!  I am not a professional and no mental health expert on things outside what i deal with myself.  I have done some armchair research into trying to diagnose strange behaviors of people i live with or know well, but i profess to know very little in regards to mental health and what my doctor or therapist might know.  I do know that i think that this person i was talking about has multiple disorders overlapping which makes it even tougher to try and understand.  One thing i do understand is that this person needs to see a professional.  There is DEFINITELY something wrong.  They need help or i fear they are going to end up dead from either suicide or drug overdose to try and numb the mental discomfort.

It is a lot harder to tell someone they are losing their minds then it seems.  I personally was not successful, but i said it in the most loving way i knew how and i did it from the heart.  It was rejected and made me create an elevated level of anger and distrust towards me.

I let this person go.  It was too unhealthy for the both of us, but mostly me.   I do not want to put myself too close to a person i know that is high risk for early death and an ugly descent on the way down.  It is so sad and heartbreaking to see such a beautiful soul underneath it go to waist because the insanity runs the show.

It deeply saddens me.

Breaking up IS hard to do… but finally i can now breathe!

  I am not going to delve too deeply into my personal life onto print and unleashed to the world because of several reasons, but i do have to say that after an 11 month relationship that was doomed before it started, it feels good to feel like me again.

Not every relationship we get into in life ends up how we hoped it would be.  The person never ends up being exactly who you had made them up in your mind to be.  They become real people with good days and bad days, and ways to deal with stress that isn’t  ideal.  As well as traits that seem to grate you just so.

I had not been involved with anyone in quite some time prior (due to personal choice and chaos of life, there really wasn’t a place for it and i wasn’t exactly presentable while having a nervous breakdown and emotional turmoil.) and I had forgotten how spoiled I had gotten in being able to live my life just as I liked.  I could live in my space however I chose.  I could watch whatever I wanted and talked to whoever I wanted at any time with no guilt or implied guilt.  I could keep the bed made for more than 20 hours.  I was able to stretch out and have the temp. at whatever I wanted.  And mostly, I could spend as much time giving my new kitty as much attention as I wanted and he needed.

The breakup was bad, but what was worse was the time leading up to the end.  We both were miserable and there was clearly no hope or chance in repairing.  We were a square peg and a round hole.  I invested almost a year on something that clearly failed.  It seems like too long at my age to spend on a doomed interaction, but i see people in clearly unhappy and disfunctional relationships that go on for years.  I at least am not that masoginistic but it does feel good to be back in clean energy of myself.

I see it as there are tribes and you do not have to come from the same place, be the same age, or have the same interests even.  When you meet someone from your tribe, you just know it because you just get one another.  Usually this rests on a common sense of humor or passion for certain things in life.  Usually after time, you find out that there are common traits in these people and yourself, but you dont need to know that to know when you meet one of “your” people.

Let me give you my piece of personal advice on choosing a relationship partner.  Find one of your tribe.  Hold on to them and treat them well.  They should do the same.  It is the only way to not have to sacrifice or change and question who you are as a person.  It is the only way to know that you do not have to waste a lot of unnecessary time trying to get the person to take it as you are trying to mean it.  There is nothing worse that fighting over thing after thing because the other side is taking it from a different angle than what you were trying to express.

Having someone just understand and accept who you are is such a rarity period.  Especially the older you get.  Also the older you get, usually the less people you meet.  Your circle gets smaller.  Your focus on importance of lots of things becomes much simpler as you go through life.  I suppose you could say that we get worn down a little.  Both physically and emotionally. You dont have the oomph to relive things that you did and learned from already.  You see how important the people and pets and family that truly care for you are and how rare those relationships come.  I bet you all that in 10 years time, you will not have the same people that you would expect right now would have in your life, and you will still have some that you never would have expected.  Dont prejudge friendships and dont think that they automatically last forever. Nothing does.  Everything is ephemeral. Period.  Dont take things for granted.  Find out who you are and dont lose yourself completely. Do nice things for others even if it is really to make yourself feel good… which comes to my last lil thought gem… always appreciate a two-for!  (those are the win win… when it is bad bad it is a double whammy :)