How many parts of us lay dormant for maybe years to be one day awaken?

Is it just me or does this happen to other people too?  I have a feeling it does.  It happens like maybe one or two times a decade… where i will be living within a particular set of emotions.  They seem to be wide ranging and diverse, but… alas… they are just the ones that have been chosen by my brain to do the job of living.  It is the safe set.  Sometimes not a healthy set, but it is a functional set.

Continue reading

Inside (and in site) the mind of a former heroin addict and gang member… What are these muggers M.O. and motivation?

Not a gang… just a group….

I am sure that you (San Francisco) have heard about the rash of muggings going on in Bernal Heights.  We held our first Bernal Safety neighborhood meeting tonight at Bernal Community Center to get together and exchange information and discuss ideas to help us all stay safe.  The meeting was filled with a lot of information and ideas/suggestions most of which i am sure will be well outlined on http://www.bernalwood.wordpress.com by morning (if not, i will write a post in the morning with the update, because tonight, i want to give you this inside scoop).

After the meeting, i went home and got a call from a friend.  We began talking about what was going on and i gave him the basic low down.  This friend of mine did not used to be the way he is today and he tells me matter of fact that i would NOT have liked him at ALL if i would have met him back then.  Not many people did.

Back then, my friend was a bad heroin addict and was a legitimate gang member.  He had a bad habit and was not unfamiliar with violence and crime.  This is some of the things he says he feels about these perps.  Mind you, these are just his insights and opinions not the iron truth about the perpetrators.  However knowing him, he is probably pretty close to right on target….  Let the information begin….

  • The first thing that he told me was that they are probably taking the money to flip it to buy drugs to flip that to make bigger money.  Most likely there is a drug connection.
  • He is really insistant on this one… they are most likely NOT affiliated with a gang.  In the gangs, blacks and hispanics do not inter-mingle.  In fact, there is a lot of bad blood between the two races in the gangs. So he thinks that they are NOT gang affiliated but just 3 guys that most likely are….
  • Living here and are probably NATIVE San Francisco-ers.  They know this city and the neighborhood too well.  The nooks and crannies.  That tells that they have spent a lot of years tooling around the city streets and feel right at home here on main OR small streets.
  • They probably live near Bernal… possibly in the lower lying lands.  Most likely in a rougher neighborhood where illegal activity and violence are an every day thing for them to see since they were small.  This is their world and their lifestyle.  Crime is what pays when getting a job out there is virtually impossible (especially if you dropped out of high school or come from an impoverished neighborhood that does not show opportunities to its youth the way wealthy and affluent neighborhoods seem to.. (and even those neighborhoods kids are having a hard time not to mention the adults).
  • He said that he really doubts that they want to shoot and kill anyone.  They dont want to increase the incarceration time involved with a murder if caught.  The violence or threat of violence does enough.  They still accomplish their goal.  If they wanted to kill somebody they would have by now.   I questioned this since they most likely are the same ones that shot the guy in the hand at 30th and mission last week and pistol whipped a victim.  But he remains very insistant on this not being the case.  He says not because they have feelings about taking a life but because the consequences involved if caught.  (that makes more sense).
  • My friend said that his options to come up if he was dope sick and needed drugs was either to steal it or to sell his body.  He chose the first but he said

    “I did what i needed to do when i was dope sick on heroine.  Robbing people was an easy way for me to do that. “

  • They are probably living in a very poor native neighborhood where crime is an every day happening.  It is a way of life.  Poverty and drug abuse and violence is a way of life.  They are probably living in or near the projects and most likely have an (at least one) abusive parent(s). 

There you have it folks.  From the mouth of someone who (seriously regrets his actions as a youth) has lived it first hand.

It is also something to think about… People can change.  People can make better lives and choices for themselves.  People are often just a product of their environment and until we have walked a day in someone else’s shoes, we really could not know what it is like to have to live their life.  Anyone can make a change for the better in their lives.  I personally know someone who managed the impossible and did so. He corrects me and says he is still IN the process of DOING so.

I say… good for him!

By the way.  I am so glad that i still live in a true old school mentality of neighborhoods.  It feels like it used to.  I love the fact that we are all working together.  Strength in numbers and knowledge is power.  You are AWESOME BERNAL!!

Its Holiday Season again… Does it make you warm and mushy or give you the icky feelings of dread?

 

 

Xmas Tree

Xmas Tree (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It is also not a time in my life that i can falter at all.  This is what all that hard work and preparedness was getting me ready for.  The massive travel back and forth week at a time to get to my dads with bittersweet feelings…  thankful that i CAN be there,  that i have the time and that he is not all the way across or out of the country.  I remember when my dad was in this mode with his aunt (like a mom).  He had to drive up at least every other day from the south bay to San francisco to see her.  Even thought my parents were separated, we (or just my brother and i or just me)  would go up every or every other week.  It was exhausting.  It was stressful.  It was emotional.  It was wonderful to have been given that last bit of extra time!

 

When her time finally came, the feeling was different than i thought it would be for me.  I dont know about how my dad felt, but I had felt this really big empty spot.  A lot more empty and lonely than i would have thought in sort of a different way than i had thought.

 

We had this 2 bdrm apt. to completely go through, get appraisers out, call insurances etc as well as meeting with the lawyers and accountants.  I kept feeling like one did when they were at camp for a week and it is finally time to go home.  You are the last one to be picked up and the place feels SO empty to you.  You feel more alone in that several hours  than i think we feel most of our lives.  Leaving camp was ALWAYS a tough thing for me.  Kind of like leaving my little cat Arthur when i have to leave every time now.  Separation anxiety!  Panic.  Pure panic.

 

This year with the holidays here, its needless to say that they were very important to me.   That since my dad’s real failing health this last month i really just wanted to be with family.  It is probably going to be the last year that my whole family will be here on earth so (aside from the potential apocalypse) this year holdays are especially poignant to me and somewhat surreal.

 

I know (as i have done many many times) that this will be one of those times that i will remember when looking back form the future.  I can see history happening right before my own eyes can see it.  I can sense it.   I can feel the page starting to turn and the chapter is about to change.  I think it is one of those things that mark a major growth and changing of eras.

 

Usually music, which may have not been integrated into my life hardly at all over the last so many months, now comes on full time (not even any news or chanel 9!  No tv!  I would rather use the Roku box to play Pandora than watch tv.  And just a couple months ago, tv was my way of relaxing at the end of the day.  Now i just cant stay focused on just one thing for that much time. Music you can hear while typing or packing or eating or drying ones hair.

 

Not only that, but a whole new grouping of music is starting to mark this period of time like a big memory timestamp.  They (the songs) (wether i want them to or not!) are becoming the soundtrack for this new period of time.

 

The things i do and the way i feel and the things i see right now are going into a more permanent place in my brain banks because it is so filled with upcoming change and surrounded by such thick emotion.  I can feel myself change.  I know that pretty soon, i will never be the person i used to be.

 

For all of you “grown ups” out there, you are probably thinking to yourself… “that is called growing up”…. I know this, it still feels just a bit strange when you feel it starting to happen but you are still the same person.  It is like the forces of change are moving into your soul to make that change in accordance.

 

Some of these changes include the obvious ones like my dad and his delicate health scenario as well as all of the travel associated with it.  There is also some cracks within my family that have been revealed recently that could be game changers for the closeness we have (possibly falsely) believed we had.  It will be interesting thing to see what happens.  It may be one of those times a child must define themselves as a full grown adult to others around them even if they will always be younger or the child or whatever.  At 38, one is a full grown adult and i believe old enough for others to be able to have decided wether or not they are a quality and competent as a person or not.  The role of the parent or older sibling is the job with all of the power and control who usually desperately tries to hold onto that same level of power and control even with fully grown kids/sisters or brothers.  Who would want to give up something they have taken a lifetime building?

 

But everyone deserves to feel like a grown up when they are deeply into their grown ups!  If they do not, it is simply because either A. the family has enabled them or B. because the family undermines their self esteem making them question themselves throughout their whole lives.  If the people that raised you dont believe in you and you have a lot of respect for them, then it usually ends up not so well for the child.  That undermining self-esteem can sit in the back of your head haunting all of your wishes in life.  It is hard.  Even when you believe in you, when the ones you love do not, it is a heavy blow that never seems to be able to be shaken off the back.

 

Self esteem can make or break a perfectly great person.  And usually it is the soul crushing that comes from within the family or those that we look up to.  They have a lot of lasting damaging power over us that they often like to turn back around and blame back on us.

 

These are some of the things that happen to adjust the power structure when children become adults.  The adults sometimes forget that they only get so long to do their raising and then, it is time to stand back and see if they were a good teacher or not.  If they (the child) starts making poor choices, you as a parent do not get the option to jump back in and continue to raise them some more.  If the child fails at making good decisions, that could possibly mean that YOU failed as a parent in your raising.  That is your own work that you are seeing them using to survive.  Most of the time though, the family only sees a part of what the whole story is.  They have no idea how we are to really use our time and solve problems and set goals.  Jeez… they dont even usually bother to ask us if we even have any goals or plans to improve our futures.  Do they just assume that we just sit around whining and picking our noses?

 

I just know that the holidays are wonderful and yet so stressful and can be so depressing at the same time.  They are wonderful if you have a great loving family or family of friends to surround yourself with, but can be easily as equally depressing if you do not have anyone, just lost someone or are not getting along well with the people you care about at the time.

 

For you all, i truly hope that you have a low stress winter holiday season and are surrounded by the love that every human being deserves.  I hope you take the time to appreciate that this moment is here… because it WILL change.  That is guaranteed.  The thing is that we just dont expect to change soon.  What i have found is that change can happen in the blink of an eye.  So now is the time to live in the moment and appreciate that the hands of change have not moved any of the ones you love out of your lives yet.  Enjoy each other.  After all, we may not even make it to Christmas if the end of the world comes on Dec 21, 2012!

 

 

 

:)

 

 

I really hate it when depression hits me like a ton of bricks in the blink of an eye!

Why do i have so much sadness inside of me yet at the same time, i am filled with joy a lot of the time.  The sadness is always there though.  I suppose it is part of my depression that makes it linger so.  It is very easy for me to become despondent at the flip of a switch lately.  In the past while in a depressive state, it seemed to come on a bit slower and last for a while.  Now it comes like a freak flash flood.  I usually feel better after getting a good night sleep but not always.  Not today.  Is it past memories and loss?  Is it loneliness?  Is it fear?  I do not know.  I just know that i hate it when it happens.  I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately and usually it is an either or because the depression is quite sedating and the anxiety revs up my frustration and gets me a bit angst which is an activating emotion.  It is a strange feeling when they are both coming on at once.  I have medication that helps me to fight either one of these extreems, but even with that, sometimes the depression/anxiety have the floor.  

I have been through a lot.  I am still going through a lot.  I will always probably be going through a lot but does this mean that these sadness bouts and high anxiety periods will be with me forever?  

I am in general a quite happy person.  I love to laugh and smile and be kind and generally just enjoy life.  I like people and am not afraid to talk to strangers.  I find people fascinating and enjoy interacting with them, but it seems that i do it less a and less lately because i just kinda feel a divide between me and the real world.  I am sure i am not the only one who feels this but it doesnt make it any easier.  And finding others that have this happen is also tough because depressed people dont usually go out into the world and when/if they do, they dont usually interact with it.  

A lot of the time i just feel like a walking (or sitting) contradiction.  Happy and truly happy yet at the same time totally sad and despondent.  How can this be?  It seems like they should maybe cancel each other out and leave me sitting here just kind of ho hum but no.  I can feel one extreem at the flip of a switch and then back to happy.  And i mean really despondent like life taking despondent (dont worry… i would never kill myself but i can not deny that it is thought about a bit.) and then snap back out.  

When this despondence hits (with a vengeance), i go from being just fine to fighting back tears and the desire to find my bed and pull the covers all the way up over my head and lock myself safely away.  

My friends and even family dont usually get this.  They (and probably i would do the same) take it personally and think that i am just trying to get extra attention or having a drama episode.  This is not it at all.  I just go very very quickly to a very dark lonely place that is difficult to extract myself from in a snap.  

It is kinda embarrassing when this happens.  People dont know what to do with me then.  They even sometimes get mad at me because i guess they think i am mad at them?  But that is not it.  People just dont understand.  I just get very very depressed all of a sudden and then all of this pain that lives inside of me is revealed.  I look totally unhinged (which, well, kinda sounds like i am!) but the strangest thing that i find is that people usually dont have much compassion when i am thrown into one of these states.  

It does make living life a lonely place because no one really knows how deep the pain goes or really wants to have to take on the task of finding out.  It is ok.  I am used to this.  I am used to dealing with tough emotions alone.  In fact i am used to just plain ole spending time alone (well, with kitty of course when he is not hiding under the bed!).

I just wish it didnt happen at all.  I wish i could be one of the “normal” people of the world with balanced emotional states.  A non flip floppy existence in life.  There is probably a lot of shame and stigma that i attach to myself as well separating me from the masses which in turn leads to isolation which can not be helpful sometimes.  

Bottom line.  Through life, i feel like i am a truly walking oxymoron.  Maybe i just need to drop the oxy and lighten up… if it were only that simple! ImageDe

Q: Is it ever anything but torturous watching a parent (and best friend) slowly dying? Answer: NO!!

I have been avoiding this post for some time now.  I guess i just did not feel it right to write about someone who i know is going to read a post about themselves and it is about dying, but this is just too big of a topic in my life right now to ignore any longer.  It is also something that is being discussed openly now between ourselves so i suppose it is time to talk about it here.

I always would ask, which would be worse, being like my grandma on my moms side who passed away earlier this year, having dementia and losing your memory but still healthy as a horse?  (She would take long walks but often not know where she walked once she got there!), OR be like my great aunt on my dads side (and my dad just the same), to be sharp as a tack up until the very end but have the body TOTALLY break down in the process.  So, is it better for your mind to go or your body to go??

I have gone back and forth with this over the years.  I used to say that severe pain would impact the choice of body breaking but there is something to be said for having your wits till the end.  It is a hard choice to make and thankfully, fate or the gods are the ones that decide that for each of us if we are lucky enough to grow old and die from it.

I know life is an ephemeral and fleeting and nothing lasts forever, so why are we so hard wired to not want those around us to ever leave us?  We all know logically that we are only guaranteed 2 things in life.  1.  We get a ticket to planet earth when we are born, and 2.  we get a ticket home when its time to go.  I like to see it as “vacation on planet earth”.  Your vacation can go one of two ways… really good or really bad.  It can be influenced by where you have to take your vacation but it does not make it a guarantee that you will have a fabulous or terrible vacation simply due to location.  However, if you get chosen to “soul up” a body in Darfur, your chances of having a super fun and easy vacation are probably going to be hard to come by.  But, that doesnt mean that you can not hopefully change the location and improve your trip.  On the other hand, you could be “souled in” to a body of a multi-millionaire’s baby and be brought up with all of the luxuries that one could imagine and be isolated or treated so poorly that it does not matter because your vacation on planet earth is just one nightmare walking amongst priceless artifacts and long cold hallways.  I think that is why happiness has much less to do with economics than it does with community.

Anyway, back to my original issue.  The thing that is so tough right now is… well, several things… But, one of them is that there are questions that can only be answered by them and this is your last chance to ask them.  What is it that i need to ask?  Once they are gone, the information they hold in their brains goes too.  You only have this chance to ask all of the questions that only this one person can answer.  AND you can not think of the questions that should be asked.  (i think this is one of Murphy’s laws (btw… who the heck is Murphy anyway?? Poor bastard must have had the most frustrating life!!).

The other thing that is so tough is letting the sick person see that you are effected by their sickness.  I do not want to cry to their face because i am so gutted that i am losing one of the most important and influential people in my life.  I want to appear strong so not to scare them.  I do not want them to see how hard it is for me because i can only imagine how hard it is for them.

I feel like time is going in slow motion, yet it is blazing past me and with each minute that ticks by, is one less minute i am on earth with them.

I think it would be so much easier on our psyches if we knew what happened to us after passing.  If you are religious, you probably automatically believe what you are told to believe.  However, since we have other things that we experience here on earth that we have no explanation for that could possibly tie into our souls local’s upon vacating the body (such as remembering past lives, old souls and ghosts) that it adds a variable of the unknown and hope i think that something is in place for us.  I do not think we are comforted by the thought that after dying our soul just evaporates and vanishes.  How could something so strong as a soul which assisted our will to live while in life, and is invisible anyway, just disappear.  I think (maybe just for convenience) we like to think that there is a place for our souls to go after this life.  The not knowing is the tough part, but also i suppose the part that keeps us as simple people and not as the mighty “God” which i think in life, we forget sometimes.

I know i am not really making any specific point here, but i just need this to start the conversation that i have on loop in my head.   My dad is dying.  He is my best friend and probably the one single person that influenced who i have become more than anyone else so far in my life.  We all know it and we are talking about it (which is very strange when it is with the person who is doing the dying!)  I thought it would be more uncomfortable talking the hard real truth’s with him but now that we are here, it is not hard, it is just so scary and sad.

I know that this is just the natural cycle of life and that if it did not happen, then we would have something really to worry about!  But it doesnt make it any easier at all.  This is a game changer for me.  It is usually for most of us even if we do not have a very good or any relationship with our parent.

In what way my life and personality will be affected is unknown to me at this point.  In fact the impression will be so huge, i dare not even speculate, but i do know that it will change my life.

I suppose when we experience loss, in a way, the gods are clearing out our lives and throwing us out into the unfamiliar world again to start anew but with newly found or understood skills to make the next path taken with a slightly different approach or a different set of desires.

Usually when i find myself in these types of places of rebuilding after major loss, i have found that when it is time to get up and go after those things i want out of life, the wants and the things and the needs have changed.  Always they have simplified and become much more basic of wants and needs.  It allows you to appreciate all that you were unable to realize while spoiled and familiar with the past experiences.

I am not (obviously) not looking forward to the soon future without the protection and love and friendship of my dad, but i embrace who i will become and what he has taught me once he is gone.  I am just so lucky and blessed to be able to have the time now to ask those last important things as well as getting some things sorted out and understood which will make our job after he goes a lot easier and a lot less stressful.  For that i am eternally grateful!

Regardless, it sucks how much we miss the ones we love once they are gone!  At least, hopefully for me, the pain will help to create new art.  And i can say that it is because of my dad that i made it on this occasion!

I love you dad!!

My dad this past year. Love you Pops! (sorry for doing a post about you:)

Is it really just coincidence or are there really days when…?

I have always wondered this and i have also noticed it for most of my life.  It could be all the brain.  It could be randomness that it just happens to be a large number of them that day.  What you are probably asking yourself, on earth is she talking about?!?  I am talking about days being in theme so to say on some days.  …Let me explain….

Ever wake up and go outside and start going through your life in the world for that day and it seems like everywhere you go you happen to see almost all… say for instance… guys.  Even hot guys!.  Then another day you go out and all you see is elderly people. Another day you go out and all you see is young mothers and babies.  When i say “all you see”, i do not really mean every single person, but there are enough of them to clearly mark a theme and really a large enough number for it to be made aware of all afternoon.

I know this is such a silly thing to even be writing about, but it is something i have noticed for years.  You never know what you will get either.  They reveal themselves to you if it is their day!  I know that this could not be twitter fed flash mobbed because i have noticed it since before even the internet existed.

Since i live in San Francisco, i do not need a car and therefor do not have a car, but i have had a few and i had to commute for a year from the south bay to SF after an appt. fire left me on my dad’s doorstep and commuting to school 3 days a week….  When i drove, i noticed it too.  Sometimes in driver and car demographic, sometimes it was the mentality of the drivers, but just about every other day it seemed it was themed.

Tonight it was couples (without kids which is rare in my neighborhood.) and 1 man and his 1 dog-ers were sharing the night.  (unfortunately the dogs were so darn cute today, they out looked the men ;) and the couples were very unaware of anyone surrounding them.  Almost to a blind, rude, bumping into you because they were too congealed to actually adjust form to allow them to move through space without taking out some poor chick who just happens to be there shopping alone.  *”how very dare she not see we are so in love that the world outside our eyes does not exist to us at all?  Afterall, everyone wants to be like us because we are so lucky we are so in love!” they thought to themselves*

Anyway, I was just wondering, am i the only one that sees that life goes through themes?  Have you ever noticed this?  I wonder if so, if it is a different demographic in a different part of town?   I never thought about it… what if it was the theme was the same all over and we just dont know it?  How random!  How bizarre.

This kind of thing leads me to know that we still know so very little about the things and knowledge or understandings that we have that are not really visible.  There is so much more to how this whole life and universe and love and communication and laws of nature than we even have one whole % of a clue about!  It is like blind leading the blind but the blind think that because they can actually hear, they know everything there is to know.

These are ramblings from my brain.  This is the type of thing i sit around thinking about all the time.  No wonder i am a little on the wacky side!

…And, the best part is that i do not even care if i am alone.  I am not afraid of sounding like a nut.  There are nuts out there who are probably stoked to finally be communicated with!

:)

Have a happy Thursday!  (And look for the theme if it is a ‘theme day!’)

This was a gentrification invasion themed day.

It has been kind of a strange week of clarity and epiphanies (or at least new theories!)

I think my brain is shifting into trying to understand some things in a new way.  It has been an interesting week for you if you were my brain.

I remember, when i was 26, i was really at a bad place in my life at that time.  I was suffering from SEVERE depression and such severe anxiety, that i had a hard time keeping food and water down and i could not leave the house.  I would sit for days just crying or stressing out so bad that that would make me start crying and getting really despondent.  At this time i had not had any psychological help and i had no idea what was going on or how serious it was.  I knew i was in a seriously bad place, but i did not know how or if i could get out of it.

The reasons i were in it, seemed obvious at first and they were big and easy ones to blame.  And they WERE to blame! But they were not the only thing i had to blame for me to getting to where i was at that point.  (Just so you know what i kinda mean, in a series of a couple years when i was 19, i went through quite a few unfamiliar situations.  Heavy situations.  At 19, i had lived a fairly strict and protected life as a child and had no experience in dealing with things as big as my best friends suicide, a roommate going crazy, evictions, death of grandma which put my dad into a bad depression that became at that time projected onto me.  etc.. Since then, it hasn’t stopped.  I have been through a bevy of unpleasant or unexpected and often life altering situations since then. I feel like I have been through it all (Not all!  Thank god! But unusually strangely large amount of nightmares since my 20’s.  I won’t bore you with more of my sorry ass tales
, but it has been quite an interesting last 2 decades with as many stories to match.)  I think it is to even out my great childhood..  It better be at least!)

Anyway, there was this week when i was 26 years old.  Nothing was better or had happened to trigger it, but i had this one week that i call my week of epiphanies.  I had this amazing brain thing happening where all of a sudden, something that i didn’t even know i was wondering was understood and that actually had a huge impact of relevance  to what i WAS actually thinking i needed to figure out.

It was like, i was so focused on the problems that i was trying to solve, i never even thought about why i had these problems in the first place.  The obvious i had thought was the culprit but strangely, it went way WAY deeper than that.

It happened again in 2008.  All of these questions that i had been mulling through my brain for years were like poof!  solved.  I got it.  I would have never thought of that  being the answer.   And that time, it  turned out that the answer was actually the question!  It was so crazy that week!

The only other thing i can compare it too is those damn 3d posters that i thought were a hoax to try and see how many people they could get to gullibly stare at a boring poster for 45 minutes, until… you see it!  WOAH!  Was that there that whole time?  How can i not have seen it?  It was right there and I SEE IT!!  Amazing!

That is kinda like what i am experiencing this week.  Maybe it is my grandma’s passing, my family reunion, my 38th birthday and my 20 year high school reunion, not to mention ending a relationship.  Maybe my brain is getting some perspective on things and am doing some brain sorting.   Anyway, when i do figure out  what it is that i am now in understanding of, i will try and let you know.  In the mean time, please excuse me if you see a few brain blabbing posts this week.  I know what i now understand, trying to express it in words, well, we will see….!

Epiphanies, bring it on!  I am ready for you! Even if it is not on a 12 year cycle!

:)

Since Egypt is once again in the news, Let us remember this amazing moment and keep fighting for freedom!

Video

If you have not taken the 9 minutes or so that this piece of film is, your life is not complete. You just need to sit back and watch, It is like ‘Battle at Kruger’ but with thousands of people vs. the military police. The people just wanted to pray at the time they prey and boy did they fight the right fight so they could! I love how the religions protect the other in this piece. It is just a beautiful display of man! Bravo Egypt. Bravo!

I kinda feel like it is the calm before the storm…

Aside

I kinda feel like i am on that second before the wash turns to rinse and starts spinning me around till i lose my lunch and wind up with a major headache and minor nervous break-down.

Do you ever just stand there thinking that it totally sucks right now, but i know that in a few years, this is going to be what i so fondly remember?  The BS only adds humor at that point.

It is strange.  I know things are really hard for me, however, i feel like this is kinda like the last days of a golden tinged era.  One that i will look fondly back on because it is hard but still good.  I am mostly in control of my life.  I appreciate everything that is in it.  And i think things are gonna change big time for not just me but many of us.

I am so thankful to have been raised a slightly older generation than these poor kids today.  I can not imagine working hard as a kid in school and in life to have almost zilch for prospects unless you happened to be bankrolled prior.  I can not imagine being able to find a job, especially one that makes enough money to go to a state school even.  When i was young, College was available for all that wanted to go and worked hard.  Fin-aid + a part time job or two could have gotten you a degree.  Not these days & i just dont see anything in power giving a shit!?!  This sure lends itself to a bleak outlook on our future.

I hope this is not the case.  Instead, for me,  this is a little wake up to how the grass is as green as you believe it to be.   I hope this is not, but if this IS the dawn before the storm, i DO appreciate it as pathetic as I may be!   I may be pathetic, but at least i am free thinking, free living and loving all around me.  I hope i take a little of this with me always through whatever & wherever my life may lead.

Enhanced by Zemanta

Subnote regarding earlier post on synethesia.

I am sitting here watching My Extreem Affliction on tv and the guy who was able to learn Icelandic in less than a week is being featured.  This guy is a super genius in a more functional than rain man kind of way.  However watching tonight, i learned that although being able to recite a 22,000 long number, he can not drive a car.

I posted a blog on synesthesia earlier that you can see here… http://bluepearlgirlsworld.wordpress.com/2012/03/02/the-world-of-synesthesia-quite-an-amazing-phenomenon/

The human mind is so fascinating! Yet, no matter what, we just are not evolved enough to be able to be highly functionable in all areas of thought and behavior.

Image

(above: the real rain man Kim Peek)

Image

We all have strengths and weaknesses.  Some are more marketable than others and sometimes more socially acceptable or popular / in fashion.  That doesnt mean that anyone out there has nothing to offer this world.

Find your strengths people.  Find areas that they are utilized in or would be a strength.  That way, you can be yourself doing something that you are good at and comes naturally.  It sure makes life more enjoyable throughout the process and you never have to apologize for being who you are and what you can do.  Remember… not everyone can do that quite so easily!  That is your gift.  Use it to help YOU!

Depression vs. Anxiety. Passive vs. Active… just some thoughts.

  Where can we hide from our own heads? 

This is one way to handle stress! Hide in the bathtub!!

This is one way to handle stress! Hide in the bathtub!!

As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, i have noticed how true the statement is when they say everything that you deal with mentally has a physical counterpart.  I would notice especially with anxiety, that if i had to deal with a 0-60 crisis situation after it was over, i would be absolutely exhausted.  I mean seriously!  Totally worn out.  I would usually have to take a nap after because I was physically beat as well as psychologically.

I noticed that i think the same is true the other way.  When i am doing something really physical, it is hard for me to put 100% concentration into anything else specifically.   It is all or nothing.

I have also found that when both collide and you have to be pushed to your physical limit and mental limit at the same time, meaning that while you are physically busting ass, you are also multitasking multiple highly stressful things in your head and trying to keep it all straight, (especially if you add very limited sleep to the equation) you are pushed to your limits.  It is amazing because it shows us just what we can do but if you go full speed, overtime, with afterburners, something will eventually have to give (usually being your health).  Just think of those days when you were shuffling 3 jobs AND full semesters in college or working and having a new born baby while keeping the house clean and fixing dinner all by yourself.

It pushes us to the limits.  It  is probably better actually to have a good workout in both physical and mental fronts regularly.  I guess i could just say, that THIS is where I personally have trouble multi-tasking.  The depression does not help at all (making everything that much more dire which adds stress to the already stressed situation), but i find that for me personally, my anxiety is an action reaction, depression gives me sedative results.  It is difficult to feel both insomniac and super tired simultaneously.  I can however cook dinner, read a book listen to music, do dishes and talk on the phone at the same time though.  Just as long as i am not finding out that, say, my identity has been stolen and my bank account frozen!

*afterthought note* I think that when we have something on like tv or radio (or people talking/ screaming) all the time, we can mentally wither.  We need several minutes of silence for our brains kinda like we need a few bites of food and a some rest for our bodies.  If you stay at home watching tv all day AND feel exhausted, try turning off the tv and opening a book if you are bored.  Your few minutes of quiet air may invigorate you almost as much as getting up and moving around.  Imagine how good you would feel if you did both!!