Citrus Vodka, Hazelnut Liquor and Lemons together taste like… what?… Chocolate Cake?!?

Now, i am not a drinker.  At all.  It is not because i do not like the feeling of having a little bit of libations coursing through my veins, lifting the veil of self conscience-ness and feel a little bit looser.  Or the feeling of not needing a 3rd layer of long sleeves to warm me up a bit.

I dont drink because my body does not process it well at all.  In other words, it makes me feel really sick and then almost always, really tired.  ONCE in a while (interestingly enough my body seems to know when this is and i will on those rare days) i’ll maybe have a drink or a glass of wine or two.

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This is just too cool not to show you! AND it is invented by a neighbor who lives just a couple streets down!

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Bernal is kicking out some serious talent here. By the time you are finished watching this video, you are going to be thinking just what i did after i saw it… I WANT ONE!! Keep your eyes peeled. The only thing better than good design… Is local good design! Now you have been illuminated! (bad pun i know and am sorry! :)

Its Holiday Season again… Does it make you warm and mushy or give you the icky feelings of dread?

 

 

Xmas Tree

Xmas Tree (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It is also not a time in my life that i can falter at all.  This is what all that hard work and preparedness was getting me ready for.  The massive travel back and forth week at a time to get to my dads with bittersweet feelings…  thankful that i CAN be there,  that i have the time and that he is not all the way across or out of the country.  I remember when my dad was in this mode with his aunt (like a mom).  He had to drive up at least every other day from the south bay to San francisco to see her.  Even thought my parents were separated, we (or just my brother and i or just me)  would go up every or every other week.  It was exhausting.  It was stressful.  It was emotional.  It was wonderful to have been given that last bit of extra time!

 

When her time finally came, the feeling was different than i thought it would be for me.  I dont know about how my dad felt, but I had felt this really big empty spot.  A lot more empty and lonely than i would have thought in sort of a different way than i had thought.

 

We had this 2 bdrm apt. to completely go through, get appraisers out, call insurances etc as well as meeting with the lawyers and accountants.  I kept feeling like one did when they were at camp for a week and it is finally time to go home.  You are the last one to be picked up and the place feels SO empty to you.  You feel more alone in that several hours  than i think we feel most of our lives.  Leaving camp was ALWAYS a tough thing for me.  Kind of like leaving my little cat Arthur when i have to leave every time now.  Separation anxiety!  Panic.  Pure panic.

 

This year with the holidays here, its needless to say that they were very important to me.   That since my dad’s real failing health this last month i really just wanted to be with family.  It is probably going to be the last year that my whole family will be here on earth so (aside from the potential apocalypse) this year holdays are especially poignant to me and somewhat surreal.

 

I know (as i have done many many times) that this will be one of those times that i will remember when looking back form the future.  I can see history happening right before my own eyes can see it.  I can sense it.   I can feel the page starting to turn and the chapter is about to change.  I think it is one of those things that mark a major growth and changing of eras.

 

Usually music, which may have not been integrated into my life hardly at all over the last so many months, now comes on full time (not even any news or chanel 9!  No tv!  I would rather use the Roku box to play Pandora than watch tv.  And just a couple months ago, tv was my way of relaxing at the end of the day.  Now i just cant stay focused on just one thing for that much time. Music you can hear while typing or packing or eating or drying ones hair.

 

Not only that, but a whole new grouping of music is starting to mark this period of time like a big memory timestamp.  They (the songs) (wether i want them to or not!) are becoming the soundtrack for this new period of time.

 

The things i do and the way i feel and the things i see right now are going into a more permanent place in my brain banks because it is so filled with upcoming change and surrounded by such thick emotion.  I can feel myself change.  I know that pretty soon, i will never be the person i used to be.

 

For all of you “grown ups” out there, you are probably thinking to yourself… “that is called growing up”…. I know this, it still feels just a bit strange when you feel it starting to happen but you are still the same person.  It is like the forces of change are moving into your soul to make that change in accordance.

 

Some of these changes include the obvious ones like my dad and his delicate health scenario as well as all of the travel associated with it.  There is also some cracks within my family that have been revealed recently that could be game changers for the closeness we have (possibly falsely) believed we had.  It will be interesting thing to see what happens.  It may be one of those times a child must define themselves as a full grown adult to others around them even if they will always be younger or the child or whatever.  At 38, one is a full grown adult and i believe old enough for others to be able to have decided wether or not they are a quality and competent as a person or not.  The role of the parent or older sibling is the job with all of the power and control who usually desperately tries to hold onto that same level of power and control even with fully grown kids/sisters or brothers.  Who would want to give up something they have taken a lifetime building?

 

But everyone deserves to feel like a grown up when they are deeply into their grown ups!  If they do not, it is simply because either A. the family has enabled them or B. because the family undermines their self esteem making them question themselves throughout their whole lives.  If the people that raised you dont believe in you and you have a lot of respect for them, then it usually ends up not so well for the child.  That undermining self-esteem can sit in the back of your head haunting all of your wishes in life.  It is hard.  Even when you believe in you, when the ones you love do not, it is a heavy blow that never seems to be able to be shaken off the back.

 

Self esteem can make or break a perfectly great person.  And usually it is the soul crushing that comes from within the family or those that we look up to.  They have a lot of lasting damaging power over us that they often like to turn back around and blame back on us.

 

These are some of the things that happen to adjust the power structure when children become adults.  The adults sometimes forget that they only get so long to do their raising and then, it is time to stand back and see if they were a good teacher or not.  If they (the child) starts making poor choices, you as a parent do not get the option to jump back in and continue to raise them some more.  If the child fails at making good decisions, that could possibly mean that YOU failed as a parent in your raising.  That is your own work that you are seeing them using to survive.  Most of the time though, the family only sees a part of what the whole story is.  They have no idea how we are to really use our time and solve problems and set goals.  Jeez… they dont even usually bother to ask us if we even have any goals or plans to improve our futures.  Do they just assume that we just sit around whining and picking our noses?

 

I just know that the holidays are wonderful and yet so stressful and can be so depressing at the same time.  They are wonderful if you have a great loving family or family of friends to surround yourself with, but can be easily as equally depressing if you do not have anyone, just lost someone or are not getting along well with the people you care about at the time.

 

For you all, i truly hope that you have a low stress winter holiday season and are surrounded by the love that every human being deserves.  I hope you take the time to appreciate that this moment is here… because it WILL change.  That is guaranteed.  The thing is that we just dont expect to change soon.  What i have found is that change can happen in the blink of an eye.  So now is the time to live in the moment and appreciate that the hands of change have not moved any of the ones you love out of your lives yet.  Enjoy each other.  After all, we may not even make it to Christmas if the end of the world comes on Dec 21, 2012!

 

 

 

:)

 

 

i think i have never been so scared before in my whole life! (& i lived with a crackhead!)

A chocolate-chip cookie.

I was in the room with my dad.  He is very thin and frail and on oxygen.  He used to smoke but all but quit.  It is just not so much fun when you can not breathe anyway.  I had some peanut butter chocolate chip cookies i had forgotten for a hot sec. in the oven, so i went quickly into the kitchen passing Debbie in the living room.  Debbie is my dads roommate, best friend and caregiver, and she was heading into dads room which is like in a u shape from the kitchen.  I did not notice anything or hear the boom as far as i can recall, but maybe i did because i have this distinct idea of a very flat sounding boom.  I think it registered for a brief second in my conscience before falling deep into the folds.   Anyway, regardless i am totally oblivious of the trauma going on concurrently on the other side of the walls.

Flame the fire

Flame the fire (Photo credit: Darwin Bell)

Evidently when they tell you that oxygen is highly flammable, they were not kidding around.  I am merrily putting hot cookies on a plate and a couple glasses of milk poured and walk unknowingly into my dads room where he is sitting on the edge of the bed with the blanket melted, a huge hole in the bed and his face and his face and arm blackened with soot &n smoke filling the air.  The the blanket he was using caught fire and that fire made the oxygen he had on his face explode.  He has some burns on his nose and cheek as well as his arm and part of his mustache is gone too. He had a wet rag up to his face.  He was in shock.  Maybe even more than Debbie and I.  I am very thankful that i am not Debbie because she has the picture of my dad on fire in her visual memory now.  I dont think i would like to be haunted with that image!  The house is smokey and we had to move him over to the other side of the bed after we cleaned and covered his burns.  He doesnt want to go to the hospital and he seems to be alert and doing ok.  These pain pills really make him wander and  while on them and at the same time, he nods off.  That is why he fell last week.  it is really scary.  If Debbie was not right there right then, my dad could have died in a fire tonight.  That is i think the most scared i have ever been.

Oh, and before you ask me why he is not in the emergency room right now, I think that a Sunday night emergency room would not give my dad anything different than what we have done and it will be cold and scary and he has his nurse coming at 8 am tomorrow.  I dont think it is enough to kill him in 12 hours and if he is not doing well in the morning and/or if his nurse recommends it, we will go then.  I just want my dad to be as happy and comfortable for as long as possible and he is one of the most stubborn people i know.  I will pull rank if i need to, but i think it is ok to wait, let him get a good night sleep and see where we are tomorrow.  If at that time it is what i need to do, there is a first time for everything i suppose!

Fingers crossed!

fingers crossed

fingers crossed (Photo credit: cinnamon_girl)

Everybody should own some Resource Furniture pieces! You can expand even the smallest spaces.

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I bet my lifesaver that you will be shocked and taken aback by the beauty and cleverness of these space saving pieces of furniture. Myself personally, having lived in San Francisco, have been salivating over these pieces for a long time. One of them could double my usable space!