How many parts of us lay dormant for maybe years to be one day awaken?

Is it just me or does this happen to other people too?  I have a feeling it does.  It happens like maybe one or two times a decade… where i will be living within a particular set of emotions.  They seem to be wide ranging and diverse, but… alas… they are just the ones that have been chosen by my brain to do the job of living.  It is the safe set.  Sometimes not a healthy set, but it is a functional set.

Continue reading

How does one survive in SF through this new wave of gentrification if they are not already in tech or medicine?

SF skyline

SF skyline (Photo credit: angeloangelo)

I have been stressed out this last week.  I feel a bit like a mouse trapped in a corner.  Why might you ask?  It is because i am trying to figure out a way that i could become one of the ones that has the luxury of staying in San Francisco in the near future.

I am not a high paid executive and have honestly never cared much about money (to my dismay).

I look at my brother who i am really proud to see is slated to be in a good position to be able to stay in SF and become one of the new population movement.  He owns his own business and it is in the medical industry so it is pretty stable and lucrative.

Me on the other hand… not so easy.  And in fact… seemingly impossible to stay.  I am an artist who is on disability.  I am just able to afford what i have but it is far from an ideal situation !!

I either have to stay in my house (which is what is going to happen) until the man (who is very old) owns it passes or i have to leave this town.

So over the last few days i have been racking my brain.   Now for the past  week, I have been trying to figure out what my options are to be able, at my age, to make enough money to not have to leave SF.  I came up with 2 options… drugs and sex.

If you are not in the tech or medical world or are an attorney, then, good luck! ..Unless you want to become a drug dealer or work in the sex trade.

Neither option sound good.  I am not going to pick a career that vacation time is spent in the big house and i dont really particularly want to have to let old fat harry smelly men paw at me all the time to make rent!!  That doesnt seem fair!  Selling one’s soul for the city that they live… SUCKS!!

What other options are there here for someone who is not tech savvy?

I would be curious to hear any and all other ideas on this topic.  It is a serious issue for many of us and there still may be a minute do do something about it before it is too late… so any ideas i would love for you to share!

Cheers!

This rash of pharmacy robberies is going to be bad for all of us.

which drugs are good and which are BAAD?

As i have been sitting here watching our local news, my ears are pricked by the name of my brothers former place of employment having been robbed again this week.  This is the second time this year.

A rash of armed robberies have been plaguing San Francisco pharmacies amongst many other US cities.  In San Francisco, usually the pharmacy hit is a smaller neighborhood business and not a Rite-Aid or hospital.

This is particularly alarming for me for a couple reasons. Continue reading

Why is witnessing vulnerability so interesting to us?

I have a few thoughts…

Maybe it makes us see we are not alone,

Its not projected in society (we keep that shit private!)

May not be accepted in this era of never fail and never fear.

Like Brein Brown says, is it confused with weakness?  And if so, why and when does it cross that line?

May be painful to see emotions that we can recognize and empathize with.

It may just look crazy and unusual psychosis seems fascinating to most.

It may depend on how much understanding ones self has on issues with vulnerability and the human mind/emotion machine

Or to compare the others ‘infraction’ to the severity of their own (unless a sociopath of course!) and weigh in on wether they themselves are within the acceptability levels of modern society.

Maybe it is to test ourselves to see if we are truly seeing vulnerability or it is someone manipulating vulnerability?

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Also regarding the manipulation of vulnerability… if it is being done, is it being done consciencely or unconsciencely?  If unbeknownst to the vulnerable one, is it really defering it to avoid revealing their true vulnerability?

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How much vulnerability is acceptable to show ourselves vs. the outside world.

I know i am much more real with myself than i would like the world to know about.  The way societal views come in and out of fashion so quickly, will one revealing their vulnerabilities end up being shamed down the road & having it come back to haunt them? Making  THEM the one that is then not accepted by society, when while behaving this way back then, it was perfectly normal.

Is it just perspective and point of view as well as personal beliefs and experiences that decide what way we take seeing anothers vulnerabilities?  Or maybe it has more to do with how we feel about ourselves at that very moment as to how we feel towards seeing in a state of vulnerability.

I am still not too sure.  Where is the line between having empathy for someone’s wrong doings vs. judging and writing them off for those acts?  It is a very interesting thing for me to ponder….

 

I really hate it when depression hits me like a ton of bricks in the blink of an eye!

Why do i have so much sadness inside of me yet at the same time, i am filled with joy a lot of the time.  The sadness is always there though.  I suppose it is part of my depression that makes it linger so.  It is very easy for me to become despondent at the flip of a switch lately.  In the past while in a depressive state, it seemed to come on a bit slower and last for a while.  Now it comes like a freak flash flood.  I usually feel better after getting a good night sleep but not always.  Not today.  Is it past memories and loss?  Is it loneliness?  Is it fear?  I do not know.  I just know that i hate it when it happens.  I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately and usually it is an either or because the depression is quite sedating and the anxiety revs up my frustration and gets me a bit angst which is an activating emotion.  It is a strange feeling when they are both coming on at once.  I have medication that helps me to fight either one of these extreems, but even with that, sometimes the depression/anxiety have the floor.  

I have been through a lot.  I am still going through a lot.  I will always probably be going through a lot but does this mean that these sadness bouts and high anxiety periods will be with me forever?  

I am in general a quite happy person.  I love to laugh and smile and be kind and generally just enjoy life.  I like people and am not afraid to talk to strangers.  I find people fascinating and enjoy interacting with them, but it seems that i do it less a and less lately because i just kinda feel a divide between me and the real world.  I am sure i am not the only one who feels this but it doesnt make it any easier.  And finding others that have this happen is also tough because depressed people dont usually go out into the world and when/if they do, they dont usually interact with it.  

A lot of the time i just feel like a walking (or sitting) contradiction.  Happy and truly happy yet at the same time totally sad and despondent.  How can this be?  It seems like they should maybe cancel each other out and leave me sitting here just kind of ho hum but no.  I can feel one extreem at the flip of a switch and then back to happy.  And i mean really despondent like life taking despondent (dont worry… i would never kill myself but i can not deny that it is thought about a bit.) and then snap back out.  

When this despondence hits (with a vengeance), i go from being just fine to fighting back tears and the desire to find my bed and pull the covers all the way up over my head and lock myself safely away.  

My friends and even family dont usually get this.  They (and probably i would do the same) take it personally and think that i am just trying to get extra attention or having a drama episode.  This is not it at all.  I just go very very quickly to a very dark lonely place that is difficult to extract myself from in a snap.  

It is kinda embarrassing when this happens.  People dont know what to do with me then.  They even sometimes get mad at me because i guess they think i am mad at them?  But that is not it.  People just dont understand.  I just get very very depressed all of a sudden and then all of this pain that lives inside of me is revealed.  I look totally unhinged (which, well, kinda sounds like i am!) but the strangest thing that i find is that people usually dont have much compassion when i am thrown into one of these states.  

It does make living life a lonely place because no one really knows how deep the pain goes or really wants to have to take on the task of finding out.  It is ok.  I am used to this.  I am used to dealing with tough emotions alone.  In fact i am used to just plain ole spending time alone (well, with kitty of course when he is not hiding under the bed!).

I just wish it didnt happen at all.  I wish i could be one of the “normal” people of the world with balanced emotional states.  A non flip floppy existence in life.  There is probably a lot of shame and stigma that i attach to myself as well separating me from the masses which in turn leads to isolation which can not be helpful sometimes.  

Bottom line.  Through life, i feel like i am a truly walking oxymoron.  Maybe i just need to drop the oxy and lighten up… if it were only that simple! ImageDe

My anxiety is moving from orange into red alert levels with upcoming travel!

I am starting to feel the pit of my stomach start to get all bunched up in knots.  I know like a subconscience meter as the days get nearer to the day i must travel.  Having to leave town has always stirred up an ocd tendency in me to PANIC!

The first and biggest panic is my separation anxiety of having to leave my little pet.  I always have an excuse no matter when and what pet i have at the time.  It is really more about me not wanting to be without them rather than them thinking that i left for good and they will hate me forever.  With my new kitty Arthur, I am going to challenge that separation anxiety more than ever because he has such fear issues.

Arthur the day I adopted him. Picture taken of him at the shelter. Please adopt an animal and do not buy one! Save a life why dont you? ;)

I adopted Arthur about an hour before he was about to be euthanized.  Not, might i say, because he is a problem kitty.  Actually anything but.  But he is terrified.  He has abandonment and trust and massive fear issues.   Since i have gotten him on Christmas Eve last year, i have gotten him to not only come out from under the bed, but he actually hangs out on the bed and sleeps with me.  He has some bad days where he wont come out, but he always can be bribed with cheap cat food with lots of gravy.  (i have tried everything!  He has yet to taste one single human food, not even bacon, butter or chicken! I am afraid to try the last resort… tuna.  If he doesn’t like it, i could be screwed if at any time i run out of food.  I did live through the 89 earthquake so i think about things like this.)  So far it is me and only me that he trusts.  But, i will have to change that, because i have to go to Portland to attend my grandma’s memorial.  I can not justify that one… Can you imagine?  “Sorry, Emelie couldn’t make it to grandma’s funeral because she is afraid of causing her cat more psychological damage, so she blew off the flight and is not here to say goodbye.”  To me even, that doesn’t fly.  However, it does not mean that i am not dying inside missing my little kitty and worried that he thinks he has been abandoned again.


This leads me to anxiety #2… the flight itself.  Ever since 9/11, i HATE having to fly.  It is so gosh darn stressful!  It was bad enough for a girl like me back in the day to pack alone, but now, to have to downsize, evaluating the fluid ounces of all products and potions and getting them into that stupid ziplock bag. (you know that any real girl who likes her products is going to have a hard time with this one!).  Making sure that  i have all chargers, medications, makeup, hair, shoes, book, journal etc. and making it fit in a cary on sized bag… BIG CHALLENGE!  And the fear assists me throughout worrying that i forgot SOMETHING.  And it is probably something really important.  It always is.

The only way i can get through the packing trauma is to start about a week early with lists.  Those lists get longer and multiply as the days near.

The separation anxiety and the having to pack when it is not a regular activity and one has a system that they are familiar with, it becomes nothing but one huge nightmare.

Things get better once i arrive and settle in, but then to go through it all again to get back home…. UUGH.  Not to mention having to be dealing in confined quarters with parental units at the age of 37 is always an interesting dynamic.  We all do just fine when we just visit, but being together full time under stressful situations, it has been a bit of a fiasco in the past.  I do believe that we are all at a better more mature and cohesive place when we travel together, but that is still mom and i am still her baby.  I want to be extra patient though this trip because it is her mom that passed.  So far she has not expressed any sadness over the phone, but i know this is a big loss for her.  Losing a mom is a blow to everybody and an especially big blow if there is a great relationship with them even if they are 90 when they do go!  I am pretty sure she accepts it and is very at peace with it, but it has to be really sad too.  No matter what.  Gosh… it is sad for me too.

Anyway, i doubt that me complaining out loud on a public forum is going to help me really at all, but i am here to be real with all of you, as well as myself and this is what i am dealing with right now.  It will be interesting to see if the extreem anxiety increases my writing or blocks me up and makes it unable for me to write really.  I am bringing my computer (of course) so we all can just wait and see what happens in about a week.

Travel is not my #1 anxiety activity.  It is #2.  #1 is moving… the king daddy of travel!  Moving destroys me with anxiety (as i am sure it does lots of others!.  I am curious (and help me keep my mind on other things! Please!!), what is it that hits your biggest anxiety triggers?  Please share with me!  I am sure a lot of people have no problem traveling, but there has to be something that they avoid like the plague because it kicks the anxiety into high gear.  Come on, share with us all.  After all, they say confronting your fears is healthy!  :)


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Dang I think I forgot to take the bucket off of my head!

I’m sorry everyone my blog is on hold while I’m suffering from this horrendous Head cold. It came on a couple of days ago and it’s a giant whomping doozy! …so I may be out of commission for another few days so please stay tuned. Thank you!
;)

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