Sometimes, no matter what kind of day, even a good day, i just feel so isolated.

I hate it when i feel this way.  Nostalgic, lonely, antsy, despondent and yet at the same time hopeful.  I think also a huge contributing part is bordom and the stagnent place my life and especially my social life is in.

Usually… in fact i would say about 90% of the time i am quite content. I am usually EXTREMELY independent.  I like to do my own thing and in fact am a sort of loner (that does not count against my kitty though… we are a team!  Except when people are around!  lol).  However, once in a while, i get so depressed about the friends that i have had and the friends that i have lost and the friends that i am surrounded by now.  It all just gets a bit gloomy and overbearing on my poor little brain. Continue reading

On such a day of thanks, How could it be that one of my dearest friends Reid Gilbert passes away when he is in the prime of his life?

 

loss2012

loss 2012

  On Christmas night.  Right after finishing a lovely Christmas dinner with my dad and 3 of his friends, i receive the news.  Reid is dead.  What?!!?  NO!!  How on earth could this happen?

Reid and his boyfriend John Fox have been 2 of my closest and dearest friends for almost 20 years.  They moved to Mexico two years ago after Reid’s brother (who was living in Mexico) went missing and was later found to be murdered.  In the process of looking for his brother, Reid fell in love with the community that his brother had decided to call home for 21 years.  After dealing with a lot of paperwork and legal tangles here in the states, John and Reid ended up moving down to the community that his brother had made his own.  They had been down there for a little over a year.

We dont know what the cause of death is (possibly a blood clot from some small surgery to his toes 2 days prior.  Regardless, he passed in his sleep while staying with John at his mom’s house.

When someone asks you… do you know anyone who has a perfect relationship?  Most of the answers will be no.  However, i did have one.  One perfect pairing that lasted from start to finish for 21 years.  This is John and Reid.   They found each other early on in life and decided to be together then and there.  Since then, they have formed a bond so tightly that they worked almost more as a single unit.  They perfectly complimented each other.  There was never a time where some other person put their relationship at risk.  They loved being a couple.  They were one.

How John will go on with the last half of his life?  It is going to be tough i am sure.  They planned on being together for much MUCH longer than this!  John is strong though.  He was the one that was more of the anchor and i am glad that it is him and not the other way around that has to pick up the pieces because i dont know if Reid could have if the tables were turned.

So on this season of thanks, i have to thank you Reid Gilbert.  You brought this world so much happiness.  You were one of the very best ones one could find.  Even if you did not know Reid, we all have lost a giving loving soul.  He was an amazing person who will be missed so much for so long.

So, for me, although the world did not stop for us all on Dec. 21, 2012, It did stop for Reid, and in turn, our lives (those who knew him) have ended an era as well.

I LOVE YOU REID GILBERT!  I HOPE YOU CAN SEE FROM ABOVE, THE POSITIVE IMPACT YOUR LIFE HAS MADE ON SO MANY AND THAT YOU ARE AT PEACE.  THANK YOU!!  I miss you so!

I really hate it when depression hits me like a ton of bricks in the blink of an eye!

Why do i have so much sadness inside of me yet at the same time, i am filled with joy a lot of the time.  The sadness is always there though.  I suppose it is part of my depression that makes it linger so.  It is very easy for me to become despondent at the flip of a switch lately.  In the past while in a depressive state, it seemed to come on a bit slower and last for a while.  Now it comes like a freak flash flood.  I usually feel better after getting a good night sleep but not always.  Not today.  Is it past memories and loss?  Is it loneliness?  Is it fear?  I do not know.  I just know that i hate it when it happens.  I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately and usually it is an either or because the depression is quite sedating and the anxiety revs up my frustration and gets me a bit angst which is an activating emotion.  It is a strange feeling when they are both coming on at once.  I have medication that helps me to fight either one of these extreems, but even with that, sometimes the depression/anxiety have the floor.  

I have been through a lot.  I am still going through a lot.  I will always probably be going through a lot but does this mean that these sadness bouts and high anxiety periods will be with me forever?  

I am in general a quite happy person.  I love to laugh and smile and be kind and generally just enjoy life.  I like people and am not afraid to talk to strangers.  I find people fascinating and enjoy interacting with them, but it seems that i do it less a and less lately because i just kinda feel a divide between me and the real world.  I am sure i am not the only one who feels this but it doesnt make it any easier.  And finding others that have this happen is also tough because depressed people dont usually go out into the world and when/if they do, they dont usually interact with it.  

A lot of the time i just feel like a walking (or sitting) contradiction.  Happy and truly happy yet at the same time totally sad and despondent.  How can this be?  It seems like they should maybe cancel each other out and leave me sitting here just kind of ho hum but no.  I can feel one extreem at the flip of a switch and then back to happy.  And i mean really despondent like life taking despondent (dont worry… i would never kill myself but i can not deny that it is thought about a bit.) and then snap back out.  

When this despondence hits (with a vengeance), i go from being just fine to fighting back tears and the desire to find my bed and pull the covers all the way up over my head and lock myself safely away.  

My friends and even family dont usually get this.  They (and probably i would do the same) take it personally and think that i am just trying to get extra attention or having a drama episode.  This is not it at all.  I just go very very quickly to a very dark lonely place that is difficult to extract myself from in a snap.  

It is kinda embarrassing when this happens.  People dont know what to do with me then.  They even sometimes get mad at me because i guess they think i am mad at them?  But that is not it.  People just dont understand.  I just get very very depressed all of a sudden and then all of this pain that lives inside of me is revealed.  I look totally unhinged (which, well, kinda sounds like i am!) but the strangest thing that i find is that people usually dont have much compassion when i am thrown into one of these states.  

It does make living life a lonely place because no one really knows how deep the pain goes or really wants to have to take on the task of finding out.  It is ok.  I am used to this.  I am used to dealing with tough emotions alone.  In fact i am used to just plain ole spending time alone (well, with kitty of course when he is not hiding under the bed!).

I just wish it didnt happen at all.  I wish i could be one of the “normal” people of the world with balanced emotional states.  A non flip floppy existence in life.  There is probably a lot of shame and stigma that i attach to myself as well separating me from the masses which in turn leads to isolation which can not be helpful sometimes.  

Bottom line.  Through life, i feel like i am a truly walking oxymoron.  Maybe i just need to drop the oxy and lighten up… if it were only that simple! ImageDe

One of my favorite things is when i get to see cross-species friendships! Dont judge a book by its cover. You never know who you might end up being friends with!

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Who says that a dog and deer cant be best buddies!