It has been like over a month but I AM BACK and with only maybe a couple hours before the end of the world!

 

 

 

 

The past month plus has been a very surreal experience for me.  Two months ago, i had 2 perfectly working computers.  Within 2 weeks I had zero.  The last month and a half i have gotten to learn the jump in with both feet kind of learning curve, just how much my life and my anchoring to my life is based through my computer.

I have just been sort of drifting this last month and a half.  I have been scattered, disconnected, out of touch and just kinda unhinged through this time.  I have also had to do a lot of traveling back and forth to see my dad which really throws off my whole life schedule… but with no computer, no blog, no writing, no photos uploaded, no local news & no easy typing (the reading on my iphone was not ideal at this age either!)… I had nothing to anchor me down and so i just kinda spun.

The first section home between the first and second trip i partied my ass off.  Staying up till dawn and just basically partying like i did in my early 20′s.  It was fun, but boy oh boy did my room get messed up.  I still have not fully recovered from it!  All of the packing and unpacking and present wrapping and computer parts and machines in various states of repair has not helped the mess get fixed either though.

The next time i came home, i knew i was not going to party like i had the weeks before.  That second period i was home, i tried to get up motivation so i restarted more seriously my exercise plan.  Hiking longer and more regularly.  It feels a lot better living life with exercise but it did not bring back my motivation.  However, i did pick back up… and thanks to my friend Kenny, broke through my block & started drawing again, the first time in many months.  It felt good.

The other thing i got back in with was cooking.  It is the holidays so i made cookies and fudge and soup and cupcakes.  It has been fun and, surprisingly, i have not had an unquenching urge to eat all that i have just cooked.  It has been more fun feeding those around me which sure helps my waist line!

I am absolutely rusty and in all honesty, am totally surprised that i did not fuck my macbook up completely.  I thought i had.  I will go into detail the perils we survived to get us back online in a future post, but,  It is late and it may be the end of the world tomorrow and if it is, i dont want to spend it in silly details of the luckiest girl with the toughest laptop in the world and instead tell you all just how much i have missed my place here with you.  I have missed the conversations and the points of view.  I have missed the friendship and the fantastic attitudes of you all.  I am SO glad to be back to writing for you all!  Like i said, i was not really thinking that i would have a working laptop tonight, so i have sorta had to wedge my brain back into the thinking and typing mode which has been on hiatus now for a while, but i am ready to start sweeping the cobwebs and getting back to the grind.

On one last note, i leave again Sunday evening for my dads for Christmas.  This is awesome and at the same time sad for me because on Christmas eve of this year, it is going to be my little baby kitty Arthur and my one year anniversary.  Unfortunately for us both, he will be home alone with my roommates on this day.  I think i will be way more saddened on this day than he.  But it does make me a little sad that we will not be spending our one year marker together, so for that reason, i am dedicating this posting to him.  Here is to another year and as much progress as we have made this for next!

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I love you Arthur!

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My anxiety is moving from orange into red alert levels with upcoming travel!

I am starting to feel the pit of my stomach start to get all bunched up in knots.  I know like a subconscience meter as the days get nearer to the day i must travel.  Having to leave town has always stirred up an ocd tendency in me to PANIC!

The first and biggest panic is my separation anxiety of having to leave my little pet.  I always have an excuse no matter when and what pet i have at the time.  It is really more about me not wanting to be without them rather than them thinking that i left for good and they will hate me forever.  With my new kitty Arthur, I am going to challenge that separation anxiety more than ever because he has such fear issues.

Arthur the day I adopted him. Picture taken of him at the shelter. Please adopt an animal and do not buy one! Save a life why dont you? ;)

I adopted Arthur about an hour before he was about to be euthanized.  Not, might i say, because he is a problem kitty.  Actually anything but.  But he is terrified.  He has abandonment and trust and massive fear issues.   Since i have gotten him on Christmas Eve last year, i have gotten him to not only come out from under the bed, but he actually hangs out on the bed and sleeps with me.  He has some bad days where he wont come out, but he always can be bribed with cheap cat food with lots of gravy.  (i have tried everything!  He has yet to taste one single human food, not even bacon, butter or chicken! I am afraid to try the last resort… tuna.  If he doesn’t like it, i could be screwed if at any time i run out of food.  I did live through the 89 earthquake so i think about things like this.)  So far it is me and only me that he trusts.  But, i will have to change that, because i have to go to Portland to attend my grandma’s memorial.  I can not justify that one… Can you imagine?  “Sorry, Emelie couldn’t make it to grandma’s funeral because she is afraid of causing her cat more psychological damage, so she blew off the flight and is not here to say goodbye.”  To me even, that doesn’t fly.  However, it does not mean that i am not dying inside missing my little kitty and worried that he thinks he has been abandoned again.


This leads me to anxiety #2… the flight itself.  Ever since 9/11, i HATE having to fly.  It is so gosh darn stressful!  It was bad enough for a girl like me back in the day to pack alone, but now, to have to downsize, evaluating the fluid ounces of all products and potions and getting them into that stupid ziplock bag. (you know that any real girl who likes her products is going to have a hard time with this one!).  Making sure that  i have all chargers, medications, makeup, hair, shoes, book, journal etc. and making it fit in a cary on sized bag… BIG CHALLENGE!  And the fear assists me throughout worrying that i forgot SOMETHING.  And it is probably something really important.  It always is.

The only way i can get through the packing trauma is to start about a week early with lists.  Those lists get longer and multiply as the days near.

The separation anxiety and the having to pack when it is not a regular activity and one has a system that they are familiar with, it becomes nothing but one huge nightmare.

Things get better once i arrive and settle in, but then to go through it all again to get back home…. UUGH.  Not to mention having to be dealing in confined quarters with parental units at the age of 37 is always an interesting dynamic.  We all do just fine when we just visit, but being together full time under stressful situations, it has been a bit of a fiasco in the past.  I do believe that we are all at a better more mature and cohesive place when we travel together, but that is still mom and i am still her baby.  I want to be extra patient though this trip because it is her mom that passed.  So far she has not expressed any sadness over the phone, but i know this is a big loss for her.  Losing a mom is a blow to everybody and an especially big blow if there is a great relationship with them even if they are 90 when they do go!  I am pretty sure she accepts it and is very at peace with it, but it has to be really sad too.  No matter what.  Gosh… it is sad for me too.

Anyway, i doubt that me complaining out loud on a public forum is going to help me really at all, but i am here to be real with all of you, as well as myself and this is what i am dealing with right now.  It will be interesting to see if the extreem anxiety increases my writing or blocks me up and makes it unable for me to write really.  I am bringing my computer (of course) so we all can just wait and see what happens in about a week.

Travel is not my #1 anxiety activity.  It is #2.  #1 is moving… the king daddy of travel!  Moving destroys me with anxiety (as i am sure it does lots of others!.  I am curious (and help me keep my mind on other things! Please!!), what is it that hits your biggest anxiety triggers?  Please share with me!  I am sure a lot of people have no problem traveling, but there has to be something that they avoid like the plague because it kicks the anxiety into high gear.  Come on, share with us all.  After all, they say confronting your fears is healthy!  :)


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