Bad fences, a not so ideal door and a super dog!!

So, while out on my daily workout, I came upon some interesting things….

First: Bad fences. There were two of those…

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Then, there was this house with two gates on their home… The second gate is not in such an ideal spot dontcha think? I would have a very hard time reaching my key in there to get that sucker open! I suppose that would be good.

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And finally… Superdog. This little half-pint of solid muscle literally rocketed straight up this vertical cliff all the way to the top! I was amazed how strong this pooch was! I would not want to meet him in the wrong mood I tell you!

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Well, there you have it folks! Another exciting workout in the wilds of San Francisco!!

Not your average lap pet!

While I was working out on my hike yesterday, I was heading home when I stumbled across this little guy. I wonder if these are more useful than a club to prevent your car from getting stolen??

 

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My god dang computer went down… AGAIN!

Well folks, we have been here before, i tell you.  My poor Macbook’s problem just re-surfaced after 3 long dormant months.  I replaced the part last time so this time, i just dont know why the problem is still persisting.  This means, that my postings may be coming less frequently until i can resolve this technical failing.  Thank you again for your patience and loyalty!!

Incase you have not heard… and you want something trippy to show around the water-cooler…

I saw this story on goldfish that had been dumped into Lake Tahoe.  These goldfish started out small in a bowl in someone’s household who thought it would be a good idea to dump them in the lake (NOTE*** this is NOT a good idea.  Native species are in danger of being eliminated from the invasive non-natives taking the natives food or outright eating the natives.  Right now the biggest threat is the big mouth carp in Lake Tahoe.).

People did not think goldfish could last through the winters in the lake due to the fact that it gets so cold with the snow coming right down to the banks of the lake.

Apparently they were wrong from the looks of it…

Giant goldfish in Lake Tahoe… ARE YOU SERIOUS???

goldfish in Lake Tahoe…Makes one wonder if they are tasty?!

Lake Tahoe goldfish

Lake Tahoe goldfish

Lake Tahoe goldfish

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The randomness of big city living…

From atop Bernal Hill at the

I live in San Francisco.  San francisco although small in size is definitely what i would still consider a big city.  Yes it has a dense population Yes it is a civic and international destination.  And yes… randomness like this does still (for the time being) still occur.

Let me set the scene for you… We (our household) has two issues we are dealing with in regards to harassment.

Continue reading

I have an idea for relief for this SF housing crisis….

Modern Apartment at 1000 N. Lasalle

Modern Apartment at 1000 N. Lasalle (Photo credit: PPMChicago-Alex)

Views over Plaza Cataluñya. Modern apartment f...

Views over Plaza Cataluñya. Modern apartment for sale in Barcelona|LFS3064 (Photo credit: lucasfoxbcn)

I dont know why some smart little city near sf (maybe like foster city over on the bay side or somewhere like that…) does not decide that they are going to invest in a portion of town and build luxury living (renting) and luxury dining for this part.  Clearly we need another place that these tech workers would consider living other than the city or there will be nothing but only tech and advertising highly paid kids living in the city.  They are young and quite wealthy (at least bringing in large paychecks) and want the lifestyle of luxury and modernity and hip swank. Continue reading

This is just too cool not to show you! AND it is invented by a neighbor who lives just a couple streets down!

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Bernal is kicking out some serious talent here. By the time you are finished watching this video, you are going to be thinking just what i did after i saw it… I WANT ONE!! Keep your eyes peeled. The only thing better than good design… Is local good design! Now you have been illuminated! (bad pun i know and am sorry! :)

I would like (those that are unfamiliar) to introduce you properly to my little neighborhood… Bernal Heights.

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One of the best little neighborhoods in the world. I am grateful to have ended up over here. Before here i had lived in the panhandle (now days it is called NOPA) but since as the new name tells you, it has been almost thoroughly gentrified. Not Bernal! Hopefully it never will be! THANKS BERNAL! I love you back!

By the way… Happy Valentines Day All!!

Are some holidays and events socially media intertwined more than others?

Watching the big game on two huge screens in K...

Watching the big game on two huge screens in Klaus!!! #superbowl (Photo credit: Eweinhoffer)

I was just sitting here on my bed watching painfully our 9ers play without fire in their bellies and losing badly at the Superbowl.  My computer sits on my lap and i am checking my local blog sites (bernalwood.wordpress.com, CurbedSF.com & the SFist.com).  I decide to go to my blog stats page to see if my theory held up.

My theory was that stats for visits for my posts would be low, just like they were Christmas day.

My Christmas day prediction was wrong and today’s Super Bowl day prediction on visits was also wrong.

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My prediction on Xmas was that there would be a lot of people online viewing blogs and social media sites.  They weren’t.  They in retrospect were of course with family and probably in a food-semi coma.  NOT online.

My prediction for today was similar to what the actual xmas outcome was.  I assumed that people would be at Superbowl parties and at bars across the USA, getting drunk and basically only connecting to the big screen TV and possibly their sattellite that connects to their big screen TV.

 

But i was wrong again.  Views are high on Superbowl Sunday.  Views are low on Christmas.  So, Superbowl Sunday is a social media intertwined event and Christmas is not.  I wonder what the 4th of July will be….

Get the real deal on how safe your passwords are….

 

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password-cracking.jpg (Photo credit: CyberHades)

I just found this really interesting information on how long it takes (right now at least.. Keep in mind that things are constantly getting faster so, in say, 6 months one might be able to cut this in like half….) to crack your passwords.

Think about it and if you are smart, you will keep this in mind when you are making passwords for your accounts.

This was pulled from VentureBeat’s blog. You can find the original post here http://venturebeat.com/2013/02/02/7-reasons-you-cant-take-social-networks-for-granted/

Ok… Get ready for some useful statistics here!..

Graphic processors allow password-cracking programs to work thousands of times faster than they did just a decade ago.

The LinkedIn breach (mentioned above) should by now make us realize that relying on traditional passwords isn’t enough anymore. Investigation-management software provider I-sight provides the following note on how easy it is to crack your password:

Read more at http://venturebeat.com/2013/02/02/7-reasons-you-cant-take-social-networks-for-granted/#biZEp79eKjSoevzR.99

There you have it folks.  Be smart with your private information and make sure you have a really solid password on your accounts.  Now they dont need smart people to figure anything out and do the hard work… They just hit run on an application and wait until it has been cracked.

What is up with the arrogant attitudes of the new influx of San Francisco residents towards those that they are displacing? Even the mayor’s!

The SFBG (San Francisco Bay Guardian) wrote the most dead on point article on SF’s housing crisis and Mayor Ed Lee’s acknowledgement of it (as well as partial cause).  It is so well written that i am including  it in its entirety.   Thank you SFBG!!

Ed Lee’s State of the City: What evictions? What displacement?

01.28.13 – 12:54 pm | Tim Redmond |

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Mayor Ed Lee punctuated his State of the City speech with a nice little quip: “Every San Franciscan deserves a clean, safe place to call home.” I agree.

So why, in a speech lasting more than an hour, did the mayor not once mention that thousands of San Franciscans are facing the loss of their homes — and will be forced out of the city — because of the same policies that he’s proudly promoting?

These things are always self-congratualtory and full of the requisite bullshit. But Lee’s description of the State of the City was nothing more than a fantasy to the two-thirds of San Franciscans who live in rental housing, many of whom are living with an unacceptable level of insecurity. Much of the city’s rental stock — and the effectiveness of rent control — is at risk at speculators are buying up properties, tossing the tenants out with the Ellis Act, and converting them to tenancies in common. This is a massive civic crisis, brought on in part by the boom in tech jobs and the consequent boom in high-paid young people who want to live in a city that has virtually no vacant housing.

We saw this before, under Mayor Willie Brown; we called it the Economic Cleansing of San Francisco. It was awful, and it’s happening again.

But you wouldn’t know that to hear the mayor completely ignore the issue.

Oh, Lee gave it a toss-off line; gee, the rent is too high, but we can’t ignore the laws of supply and demand. Gee, we’re going to build 45,000 new housing units, and that will fix everything.

But Lee, of all people, ought to know that housing in San Francisco has never followed the laws of supply and demand. This is a highly irregular market, because demand is essentially unlimited. Housing fills us as fast as you build it. And none of the new housing that’s currently under construction or in the pipeline will be affordable to current SF residents who live in rent-controlled units and are at risk for eviction.

When you’re evicted under the Ellis Act in San Francisco today, to make room for someone with more money, you wind up having to leave the city. That’s the bottom line. And everywhere you turn, tenants are facing that ugly prospect.

The mayor spent much of his time talking about jobs. That’s fine; he’s proud that the unemployment rate in the city has fallen to 6.5 percent, but he insists he won’t rest until everyone has a job. Actually, most economists would say that’s impossible; capitalism, by its nature, exists with a structural unemployment rate that rarely falls below 4 percent. In fact, 4 percent is generally considered “full employment.”

More important, the overall rate is 6.5 percent, but it’s way higher for people without college degrees, for youth, and for African Americans. (It’s above 50 percent for transgender people.) The tech boom isn’t providing jobs for all of the unemployed current San Francisco residents; a lot of the jobs are going to people who don’t live here and are moving here for employment. They are putting pressure on the existing housing stock. That always leads to displacement.

None of this is to say that tech jobs are bad or that we shouldn’t have companies that pay high wages locate in San Francisco. What it means is that the city first has to protect its existing vulnerable populations — and that’s not happening.

I would encourage Mayor Lee to talk to the Housing Rights Committee, or the Tenderloin Housing Clinic, or any of the other tenant lawyers who are fighting desperately every day to state off evictions. He’d get a very different picture of the state of the city.

I of course can not NOT comment on a topic i have such a personal interest and stake in (I have seen this happen twice now in 20 years all being within the last 12.)
A commenter wrote… (and annon. of course… CHICKEN!)…

but it will be a significant help for those at the margin.

Some migration of low-income SF’ers from SF to Oakland ir probably natural, helpful and desirable.

This short sentence really irked me.  BADLY.  It is this smug attitude that this new migration is brimming with and it really makes me steam.   Here is my response…

That is… EXCEPT when it is your turn to be forced out of the place you have contributed to and called your home for 20, 40 or 60 years.  Then you will probably leave out that last word and maybe the term “helpful” as well.  Then you will know that every word that the author just wrote is DEAD ON TARGET.  If you think there is a problem with what the author is saying, i would bet anyone $100 that you have not lived in SF for more than 10 years and more likely only around 1-4 years.  YOU are the displacers!  Dont you see?  Do you feel any empathy to what pain you are causing good people that are losing their livelyhoods because you are here now and are working in a new field that many reg. SF residents are not professionals in.  Anyone over 40 was not born and raised with ANY computer until maybe like age 20!  How on earth could anyone in the older sector ever compete with the youth generation.  Where is any empathy or remorse with the people that are taking over SF?  It seems like they like to argue for their new SF but dont acknowledge any part that they may play in the negative aspects.  Pass the responsibility to the poor victims that they are creating… that seems to be the general attitude i have observed with this new influx.  There is not a lot of respect.  And NO acceptance for diversity!  That is what this town is made from.  It is a really sad day. I thank you author for summing up my daily thoughts perfectly.  The ones that dont, will probably never get it….

What do you think the answer to this civic nightmare?  Any thoughts?  I think you get the gist of mine if you have been reading my blog for any amount of time!… Thanks for reading!

Inside (and in site) the mind of a former heroin addict and gang member… What are these muggers M.O. and motivation?

Not a gang… just a group….

I am sure that you (San Francisco) have heard about the rash of muggings going on in Bernal Heights.  We held our first Bernal Safety neighborhood meeting tonight at Bernal Community Center to get together and exchange information and discuss ideas to help us all stay safe.  The meeting was filled with a lot of information and ideas/suggestions most of which i am sure will be well outlined on http://www.bernalwood.wordpress.com by morning (if not, i will write a post in the morning with the update, because tonight, i want to give you this inside scoop).

After the meeting, i went home and got a call from a friend.  We began talking about what was going on and i gave him the basic low down.  This friend of mine did not used to be the way he is today and he tells me matter of fact that i would NOT have liked him at ALL if i would have met him back then.  Not many people did.

Back then, my friend was a bad heroin addict and was a legitimate gang member.  He had a bad habit and was not unfamiliar with violence and crime.  This is some of the things he says he feels about these perps.  Mind you, these are just his insights and opinions not the iron truth about the perpetrators.  However knowing him, he is probably pretty close to right on target….  Let the information begin….

  • The first thing that he told me was that they are probably taking the money to flip it to buy drugs to flip that to make bigger money.  Most likely there is a drug connection.
  • He is really insistant on this one… they are most likely NOT affiliated with a gang.  In the gangs, blacks and hispanics do not inter-mingle.  In fact, there is a lot of bad blood between the two races in the gangs. So he thinks that they are NOT gang affiliated but just 3 guys that most likely are….
  • Living here and are probably NATIVE San Francisco-ers.  They know this city and the neighborhood too well.  The nooks and crannies.  That tells that they have spent a lot of years tooling around the city streets and feel right at home here on main OR small streets.
  • They probably live near Bernal… possibly in the lower lying lands.  Most likely in a rougher neighborhood where illegal activity and violence are an every day thing for them to see since they were small.  This is their world and their lifestyle.  Crime is what pays when getting a job out there is virtually impossible (especially if you dropped out of high school or come from an impoverished neighborhood that does not show opportunities to its youth the way wealthy and affluent neighborhoods seem to.. (and even those neighborhoods kids are having a hard time not to mention the adults).
  • He said that he really doubts that they want to shoot and kill anyone.  They dont want to increase the incarceration time involved with a murder if caught.  The violence or threat of violence does enough.  They still accomplish their goal.  If they wanted to kill somebody they would have by now.   I questioned this since they most likely are the same ones that shot the guy in the hand at 30th and mission last week and pistol whipped a victim.  But he remains very insistant on this not being the case.  He says not because they have feelings about taking a life but because the consequences involved if caught.  (that makes more sense).
  • My friend said that his options to come up if he was dope sick and needed drugs was either to steal it or to sell his body.  He chose the first but he said

    “I did what i needed to do when i was dope sick on heroine.  Robbing people was an easy way for me to do that. “

  • They are probably living in a very poor native neighborhood where crime is an every day happening.  It is a way of life.  Poverty and drug abuse and violence is a way of life.  They are probably living in or near the projects and most likely have an (at least one) abusive parent(s). 

There you have it folks.  From the mouth of someone who (seriously regrets his actions as a youth) has lived it first hand.

It is also something to think about… People can change.  People can make better lives and choices for themselves.  People are often just a product of their environment and until we have walked a day in someone else’s shoes, we really could not know what it is like to have to live their life.  Anyone can make a change for the better in their lives.  I personally know someone who managed the impossible and did so. He corrects me and says he is still IN the process of DOING so.

I say… good for him!

By the way.  I am so glad that i still live in a true old school mentality of neighborhoods.  It feels like it used to.  I love the fact that we are all working together.  Strength in numbers and knowledge is power.  You are AWESOME BERNAL!!

Why is witnessing vulnerability so interesting to us?

I have a few thoughts…

Maybe it makes us see we are not alone,

Its not projected in society (we keep that shit private!)

May not be accepted in this era of never fail and never fear.

Like Brein Brown says, is it confused with weakness?  And if so, why and when does it cross that line?

May be painful to see emotions that we can recognize and empathize with.

It may just look crazy and unusual psychosis seems fascinating to most.

It may depend on how much understanding ones self has on issues with vulnerability and the human mind/emotion machine

Or to compare the others ‘infraction’ to the severity of their own (unless a sociopath of course!) and weigh in on wether they themselves are within the acceptability levels of modern society.

Maybe it is to test ourselves to see if we are truly seeing vulnerability or it is someone manipulating vulnerability?

……………………..

Also regarding the manipulation of vulnerability… if it is being done, is it being done consciencely or unconsciencely?  If unbeknownst to the vulnerable one, is it really defering it to avoid revealing their true vulnerability?

……………………..

How much vulnerability is acceptable to show ourselves vs. the outside world.

I know i am much more real with myself than i would like the world to know about.  The way societal views come in and out of fashion so quickly, will one revealing their vulnerabilities end up being shamed down the road & having it come back to haunt them? Making  THEM the one that is then not accepted by society, when while behaving this way back then, it was perfectly normal.

Is it just perspective and point of view as well as personal beliefs and experiences that decide what way we take seeing anothers vulnerabilities?  Or maybe it has more to do with how we feel about ourselves at that very moment as to how we feel towards seeing in a state of vulnerability.

I am still not too sure.  Where is the line between having empathy for someone’s wrong doings vs. judging and writing them off for those acts?  It is a very interesting thing for me to ponder….

 

Seems to be an anomaly to be spending my delayed flight with a bunch of pencils!

In this day of technology, we don’t do many manual things to pass time besides reading & sleeping & eating. After not having my computer for so long, the first thing I did was pull it open. That worked until I just got another delay notice. Time to find my gate & visit the loo. After changing out of my wet (from getting caught in the rain earlier) clothes and freshening up, I found my gate… And it was packed! I found this table kinda in the middle but at the same time out of the way. For this stretch, I wanted to DO something! (Anything to alleviate the urge to want to smoke!). So, I pulled out a drawing l started a couple days ago. Our dear reader Katykins suggested that I take a picture of some of the stuff I have been working on. So, I give u a 2 in 1. My drawing (unfinished!) AND the airport! Hope u all have a fantastic. Holiday!!

Xoxo.
Blue.

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One of the reasons i love San Francisco but especially Bernal Heights….

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Stencil of SF Giants pitcher Brian Wilson.

Stencil of SF Giants pitcher Brian Wilson.

Graffiti PURPOSELY PLACED on a home on the west slope of Bernal. I believe that our neighborhood has either 3 or 4 of these stencils up. They are done by an artist from Oakland (aka the old sf!)… Hopefully Wilson will have completely recovered from the Tommy Johns surgery and he is impressing Bocce a LOT… enough for us to offer him a competitive contract. Because at this point, Mr. Wilson is a free agent. How could we lose the beard that we all should fear?? What will i wear on game day??!! Dilemmas! Oh well, i am going to enjoy my bearded misfit champion team with Brian Wilson a part of the mismatched symphony of players and hope for the best!

It has been like over a month but I AM BACK and with only maybe a couple hours before the end of the world!

 

 

 

 

The past month plus has been a very surreal experience for me.  Two months ago, i had 2 perfectly working computers.  Within 2 weeks I had zero.  The last month and a half i have gotten to learn the jump in with both feet kind of learning curve, just how much my life and my anchoring to my life is based through my computer.

I have just been sort of drifting this last month and a half.  I have been scattered, disconnected, out of touch and just kinda unhinged through this time.  I have also had to do a lot of traveling back and forth to see my dad which really throws off my whole life schedule… but with no computer, no blog, no writing, no photos uploaded, no local news & no easy typing (the reading on my iphone was not ideal at this age either!)… I had nothing to anchor me down and so i just kinda spun.

The first section home between the first and second trip i partied my ass off.  Staying up till dawn and just basically partying like i did in my early 20′s.  It was fun, but boy oh boy did my room get messed up.  I still have not fully recovered from it!  All of the packing and unpacking and present wrapping and computer parts and machines in various states of repair has not helped the mess get fixed either though.

The next time i came home, i knew i was not going to party like i had the weeks before.  That second period i was home, i tried to get up motivation so i restarted more seriously my exercise plan.  Hiking longer and more regularly.  It feels a lot better living life with exercise but it did not bring back my motivation.  However, i did pick back up… and thanks to my friend Kenny, broke through my block & started drawing again, the first time in many months.  It felt good.

The other thing i got back in with was cooking.  It is the holidays so i made cookies and fudge and soup and cupcakes.  It has been fun and, surprisingly, i have not had an unquenching urge to eat all that i have just cooked.  It has been more fun feeding those around me which sure helps my waist line!

I am absolutely rusty and in all honesty, am totally surprised that i did not fuck my macbook up completely.  I thought i had.  I will go into detail the perils we survived to get us back online in a future post, but,  It is late and it may be the end of the world tomorrow and if it is, i dont want to spend it in silly details of the luckiest girl with the toughest laptop in the world and instead tell you all just how much i have missed my place here with you.  I have missed the conversations and the points of view.  I have missed the friendship and the fantastic attitudes of you all.  I am SO glad to be back to writing for you all!  Like i said, i was not really thinking that i would have a working laptop tonight, so i have sorta had to wedge my brain back into the thinking and typing mode which has been on hiatus now for a while, but i am ready to start sweeping the cobwebs and getting back to the grind.

On one last note, i leave again Sunday evening for my dads for Christmas.  This is awesome and at the same time sad for me because on Christmas eve of this year, it is going to be my little baby kitty Arthur and my one year anniversary.  Unfortunately for us both, he will be home alone with my roommates on this day.  I think i will be way more saddened on this day than he.  But it does make me a little sad that we will not be spending our one year marker together, so for that reason, i am dedicating this posting to him.  Here is to another year and as much progress as we have made this for next!

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I love you Arthur!

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Sorry folks, My cursed month has continued into…

…and has finally reached my MacBook. My little toshiba was gutted and destroyed by someone calling themselves a friend a couple weeks ago. (Of course… My main one finally breaks 2 weeks after I lose my backup… Cursed I’m telling u!

So, I am hoping to get it fixed in the next day or 2 but, if my curse follows me into December, you may see a lul in my postings. I have not forgotten about all of you dear readers!! Infact I had not realized how much of a theraputic aid it has become to sit down at the machine & write. Just what I need… Another stress relief outlet closed…. (& it is supposed to rain all week so no hiking!:(. I’m gonna have a nervous breakdown if I’m not careful!!)

Anyway, I am doing all I can to be back to u with an opinion and up and running ASAP!!

Thanks for your understanding!

Its Holiday Season again… Does it make you warm and mushy or give you the icky feelings of dread?

 

 

Xmas Tree

Xmas Tree (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It is also not a time in my life that i can falter at all.  This is what all that hard work and preparedness was getting me ready for.  The massive travel back and forth week at a time to get to my dads with bittersweet feelings…  thankful that i CAN be there,  that i have the time and that he is not all the way across or out of the country.  I remember when my dad was in this mode with his aunt (like a mom).  He had to drive up at least every other day from the south bay to San francisco to see her.  Even thought my parents were separated, we (or just my brother and i or just me)  would go up every or every other week.  It was exhausting.  It was stressful.  It was emotional.  It was wonderful to have been given that last bit of extra time!

 

When her time finally came, the feeling was different than i thought it would be for me.  I dont know about how my dad felt, but I had felt this really big empty spot.  A lot more empty and lonely than i would have thought in sort of a different way than i had thought.

 

We had this 2 bdrm apt. to completely go through, get appraisers out, call insurances etc as well as meeting with the lawyers and accountants.  I kept feeling like one did when they were at camp for a week and it is finally time to go home.  You are the last one to be picked up and the place feels SO empty to you.  You feel more alone in that several hours  than i think we feel most of our lives.  Leaving camp was ALWAYS a tough thing for me.  Kind of like leaving my little cat Arthur when i have to leave every time now.  Separation anxiety!  Panic.  Pure panic.

 

This year with the holidays here, its needless to say that they were very important to me.   That since my dad’s real failing health this last month i really just wanted to be with family.  It is probably going to be the last year that my whole family will be here on earth so (aside from the potential apocalypse) this year holdays are especially poignant to me and somewhat surreal.

 

I know (as i have done many many times) that this will be one of those times that i will remember when looking back form the future.  I can see history happening right before my own eyes can see it.  I can sense it.   I can feel the page starting to turn and the chapter is about to change.  I think it is one of those things that mark a major growth and changing of eras.

 

Usually music, which may have not been integrated into my life hardly at all over the last so many months, now comes on full time (not even any news or chanel 9!  No tv!  I would rather use the Roku box to play Pandora than watch tv.  And just a couple months ago, tv was my way of relaxing at the end of the day.  Now i just cant stay focused on just one thing for that much time. Music you can hear while typing or packing or eating or drying ones hair.

 

Not only that, but a whole new grouping of music is starting to mark this period of time like a big memory timestamp.  They (the songs) (wether i want them to or not!) are becoming the soundtrack for this new period of time.

 

The things i do and the way i feel and the things i see right now are going into a more permanent place in my brain banks because it is so filled with upcoming change and surrounded by such thick emotion.  I can feel myself change.  I know that pretty soon, i will never be the person i used to be.

 

For all of you “grown ups” out there, you are probably thinking to yourself… “that is called growing up”…. I know this, it still feels just a bit strange when you feel it starting to happen but you are still the same person.  It is like the forces of change are moving into your soul to make that change in accordance.

 

Some of these changes include the obvious ones like my dad and his delicate health scenario as well as all of the travel associated with it.  There is also some cracks within my family that have been revealed recently that could be game changers for the closeness we have (possibly falsely) believed we had.  It will be interesting thing to see what happens.  It may be one of those times a child must define themselves as a full grown adult to others around them even if they will always be younger or the child or whatever.  At 38, one is a full grown adult and i believe old enough for others to be able to have decided wether or not they are a quality and competent as a person or not.  The role of the parent or older sibling is the job with all of the power and control who usually desperately tries to hold onto that same level of power and control even with fully grown kids/sisters or brothers.  Who would want to give up something they have taken a lifetime building?

 

But everyone deserves to feel like a grown up when they are deeply into their grown ups!  If they do not, it is simply because either A. the family has enabled them or B. because the family undermines their self esteem making them question themselves throughout their whole lives.  If the people that raised you dont believe in you and you have a lot of respect for them, then it usually ends up not so well for the child.  That undermining self-esteem can sit in the back of your head haunting all of your wishes in life.  It is hard.  Even when you believe in you, when the ones you love do not, it is a heavy blow that never seems to be able to be shaken off the back.

 

Self esteem can make or break a perfectly great person.  And usually it is the soul crushing that comes from within the family or those that we look up to.  They have a lot of lasting damaging power over us that they often like to turn back around and blame back on us.

 

These are some of the things that happen to adjust the power structure when children become adults.  The adults sometimes forget that they only get so long to do their raising and then, it is time to stand back and see if they were a good teacher or not.  If they (the child) starts making poor choices, you as a parent do not get the option to jump back in and continue to raise them some more.  If the child fails at making good decisions, that could possibly mean that YOU failed as a parent in your raising.  That is your own work that you are seeing them using to survive.  Most of the time though, the family only sees a part of what the whole story is.  They have no idea how we are to really use our time and solve problems and set goals.  Jeez… they dont even usually bother to ask us if we even have any goals or plans to improve our futures.  Do they just assume that we just sit around whining and picking our noses?

 

I just know that the holidays are wonderful and yet so stressful and can be so depressing at the same time.  They are wonderful if you have a great loving family or family of friends to surround yourself with, but can be easily as equally depressing if you do not have anyone, just lost someone or are not getting along well with the people you care about at the time.

 

For you all, i truly hope that you have a low stress winter holiday season and are surrounded by the love that every human being deserves.  I hope you take the time to appreciate that this moment is here… because it WILL change.  That is guaranteed.  The thing is that we just dont expect to change soon.  What i have found is that change can happen in the blink of an eye.  So now is the time to live in the moment and appreciate that the hands of change have not moved any of the ones you love out of your lives yet.  Enjoy each other.  After all, we may not even make it to Christmas if the end of the world comes on Dec 21, 2012!

 

 

 

:)

 

 

I really hate it when depression hits me like a ton of bricks in the blink of an eye!

Why do i have so much sadness inside of me yet at the same time, i am filled with joy a lot of the time.  The sadness is always there though.  I suppose it is part of my depression that makes it linger so.  It is very easy for me to become despondent at the flip of a switch lately.  In the past while in a depressive state, it seemed to come on a bit slower and last for a while.  Now it comes like a freak flash flood.  I usually feel better after getting a good night sleep but not always.  Not today.  Is it past memories and loss?  Is it loneliness?  Is it fear?  I do not know.  I just know that i hate it when it happens.  I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately and usually it is an either or because the depression is quite sedating and the anxiety revs up my frustration and gets me a bit angst which is an activating emotion.  It is a strange feeling when they are both coming on at once.  I have medication that helps me to fight either one of these extreems, but even with that, sometimes the depression/anxiety have the floor.  

I have been through a lot.  I am still going through a lot.  I will always probably be going through a lot but does this mean that these sadness bouts and high anxiety periods will be with me forever?  

I am in general a quite happy person.  I love to laugh and smile and be kind and generally just enjoy life.  I like people and am not afraid to talk to strangers.  I find people fascinating and enjoy interacting with them, but it seems that i do it less a and less lately because i just kinda feel a divide between me and the real world.  I am sure i am not the only one who feels this but it doesnt make it any easier.  And finding others that have this happen is also tough because depressed people dont usually go out into the world and when/if they do, they dont usually interact with it.  

A lot of the time i just feel like a walking (or sitting) contradiction.  Happy and truly happy yet at the same time totally sad and despondent.  How can this be?  It seems like they should maybe cancel each other out and leave me sitting here just kind of ho hum but no.  I can feel one extreem at the flip of a switch and then back to happy.  And i mean really despondent like life taking despondent (dont worry… i would never kill myself but i can not deny that it is thought about a bit.) and then snap back out.  

When this despondence hits (with a vengeance), i go from being just fine to fighting back tears and the desire to find my bed and pull the covers all the way up over my head and lock myself safely away.  

My friends and even family dont usually get this.  They (and probably i would do the same) take it personally and think that i am just trying to get extra attention or having a drama episode.  This is not it at all.  I just go very very quickly to a very dark lonely place that is difficult to extract myself from in a snap.  

It is kinda embarrassing when this happens.  People dont know what to do with me then.  They even sometimes get mad at me because i guess they think i am mad at them?  But that is not it.  People just dont understand.  I just get very very depressed all of a sudden and then all of this pain that lives inside of me is revealed.  I look totally unhinged (which, well, kinda sounds like i am!) but the strangest thing that i find is that people usually dont have much compassion when i am thrown into one of these states.  

It does make living life a lonely place because no one really knows how deep the pain goes or really wants to have to take on the task of finding out.  It is ok.  I am used to this.  I am used to dealing with tough emotions alone.  In fact i am used to just plain ole spending time alone (well, with kitty of course when he is not hiding under the bed!).

I just wish it didnt happen at all.  I wish i could be one of the “normal” people of the world with balanced emotional states.  A non flip floppy existence in life.  There is probably a lot of shame and stigma that i attach to myself as well separating me from the masses which in turn leads to isolation which can not be helpful sometimes.  

Bottom line.  Through life, i feel like i am a truly walking oxymoron.  Maybe i just need to drop the oxy and lighten up… if it were only that simple! ImageDe

Guess What? Its our birthday and we are 1 years old! Happy anniversary blog*!*!*

HAPPY 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!

I can not believe 365 whole days have passed since the day that i decided to start this blog.  I have to thank my dear Bernalwood.wordpress.com and Curbed.com for leading me into the brilliant and hilarious and informative creative genius that inspired me to begin this art experiment.

When i started this blog, it did not have a real direction or purpose. (I dont know if it has a purpose now other than it being my current creative outlet and a very satisfying activity to be able to exercise my right to my own free speech without being sensored in any way (for now!).

I have always been a talker.  I think it is genetic because my mom is a BIG talker and even was a politician so i think it naturally runs in the blood.  But i also like to talk and always seem to have an opinion.  I am not trying to push my beliefs onto you, but i really do like the idea of being able to open up a conversation with total strangers that are based all over the world.  You, my beloved blog followers are representing many different parts of the globe.  It just goes to show, that issues that are important to me over here on the west coast of California can be related with in a place on the opposite side of the world.  There is not so much difference or separation as our media and governments and churches would like us to think.

Just for you to get an idea of what you all have helped me to accomplish in this year of my blog…

  • as of 2:58am on Nov. 17 2012, i have received 59,107 individual views on 417 postings. (my goal was 50,000 but dang i wish i had made it to 60,000 so that way i can figure i get about 5000 each month.  Now it is 4??? a month and i suck at math so i just dont do it. :)  But 59 thousand is not too bad for a  little girl who just babbles online!  Thank you!

Now, i would like to share some of the things that have occurred over this past 52 weeks.  A lot has transpired.  Probably no more than any other average year, but this year, i have markers so i can actually really see what has gone down.

We will start with the farewells….  I lost both friend, family and pet this year.  My Grandma passed away along with my friends Big Ben, John Paizon & Lentle.  Our kitty of 16 years; Tiki and our little Beta fish Tyrone passed as well.  However  I have gained a new Beta named Finochio and saved King Arthur from the clutches of death by less than an hour.  He is now my new family and so lovely!

My little baby Arthur!

I had 2 reunions, a family reunion and a 20 year High School reunion that both were great!

I have begun a daily intense exercise program and cleaned up my diet a bit (less sugar and trying to avoid fried at all costs!  Why then i ask is the fried food the tastiest food?)

I rode the farthest on a bicycle in SF ever (around 30 miles) in one night for the 20 year anniversary of Critical Mass.   As well as attended the 20 year anniversary of my friends awesome party by Wicked Sound Systems (yes… i used to be into early 90′s San Francisco house music scene and it was INCREDIBLE!!).

I also used for the first time and then again 2 more times (totaling 3x) , rideshares.  I really had a good experience with all three in fact and would highly recommend anyone trying it as a cheap, and environmentally friendly way to travel without having to deal with airport security!  Plus, you get to talk to people you may never meet otherwise.  I have enjoyed the ride sharing experience a lot and it is nice that there is a mode of transportation that actually has positive connotations associated with it.

The San Francisco Giants won the World Series and we found out that we are losing the SF 49ers to Santa Clara (Booo!).

I also cleared up some of my credit.

Not too bad in a single year!

But… Now for the most important message of my anniversary blog… My thanks to you, my readers.  You make writing for you so special to me.  I absolutely love that you feel comfortable leaving your comments as well as share some things about yourselves in those comments.  I love that we have an international conversation here even though one would never know it just by reading what you wrote.  I basically love you all, my blog followers and readers.  You make this oh so worth while.

While i would like to say that it doesnt matter if anyone is reading what i am posting, it makes it so much more, more… well… EVERYTHING to have you here along for this journey with me.

You all are my originals.  The first to be a part of my blog experience.  This i find very special and cool and i thank each and every one of you that took the time out of your life to share in what i have to share with you let alone leave feedback.  You all have made this first year of my blog an incredible experience and i am really looking forward to seeing what is going to be on topic for the next year.

So, in short… WE DID IT!! HAPPY 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY EVERYBODY!!  And from the bottom of my heart… THANK YOU!!

To Rideshare or to Fly… That is the question….!

Cabin of a Virgin America A320

Cabin of a Virgin America A320 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Here i lay at my familiar crossroads of travel… Should i fly home or find a rideshare?  There are pluses and minuses to both… Here they are….

positives and negatives of flying…

  1. The swift amount of time it will take to travel from Las Vegas to San Francisco.
  2. I flew out on Virgin America and it was the easiest flight post 9/11 i have taken.  No lines ANYWHERE! and the flight got in early.
  3. Virgin America has a Giants Baseball channel on the onboard tv’s that you can watch!
  4. I would get to see the world from above.
  5. Cost me $250 to get out here when i bought my ticket the day before i had to come. (with 10 day advanced booking it would have been $79 not $211!).
  6. Transportation home from the airport would have to be arranged.
  7. Just damn stressful dealing with homeland security at the airports.

 

The positives and negatives of Ridesharing

  1. The ease of not having to go through security and adjust how i have to pack. (this is a big one!)
  2. Not having to submit my freedoms to some min. wage worker who has control over my future by homeland security.  (i just read that the Supreme Court ruled for a case that basically says that anyone can be CAVITY SEARCHED without any charges being pressed on them!)
  3. SO MUCH CHEAPER!! (although i am not paying for it, i hate wasting other peoples money!  Unless it is Corporate America’s!!) It would cost me at max $50 to get home as a vehicular passenger.
  4. Get to meet and talk to a total stranger.
  5. Easy drive.  9 hours so can be done in a day.
  6. Get to see the central valley as we drive by.
  7. Can actually sleep possibly on drive home.
  8. Can get all the way home to my front door without having to do a change of transportation.
  9. Do not have a lot of opportunities to be a car rider (or driver for that matter!… I have no car in SF.  You dont need one if you are smart!)
  10. MAY find a driver who is 420 friendly ;)

So, thats the pluses and minuses of my options.  I am going to take whatever i can find and hope that it is not the most stressful way possible for me to travel!  Fingers crossed!!

 

Q: Is it ever anything but torturous watching a parent (and best friend) slowly dying? Answer: NO!!

I have been avoiding this post for some time now.  I guess i just did not feel it right to write about someone who i know is going to read a post about themselves and it is about dying, but this is just too big of a topic in my life right now to ignore any longer.  It is also something that is being discussed openly now between ourselves so i suppose it is time to talk about it here.

I always would ask, which would be worse, being like my grandma on my moms side who passed away earlier this year, having dementia and losing your memory but still healthy as a horse?  (She would take long walks but often not know where she walked once she got there!), OR be like my great aunt on my dads side (and my dad just the same), to be sharp as a tack up until the very end but have the body TOTALLY break down in the process.  So, is it better for your mind to go or your body to go??

I have gone back and forth with this over the years.  I used to say that severe pain would impact the choice of body breaking but there is something to be said for having your wits till the end.  It is a hard choice to make and thankfully, fate or the gods are the ones that decide that for each of us if we are lucky enough to grow old and die from it.

I know life is an ephemeral and fleeting and nothing lasts forever, so why are we so hard wired to not want those around us to ever leave us?  We all know logically that we are only guaranteed 2 things in life.  1.  We get a ticket to planet earth when we are born, and 2.  we get a ticket home when its time to go.  I like to see it as “vacation on planet earth”.  Your vacation can go one of two ways… really good or really bad.  It can be influenced by where you have to take your vacation but it does not make it a guarantee that you will have a fabulous or terrible vacation simply due to location.  However, if you get chosen to “soul up” a body in Darfur, your chances of having a super fun and easy vacation are probably going to be hard to come by.  But, that doesnt mean that you can not hopefully change the location and improve your trip.  On the other hand, you could be “souled in” to a body of a multi-millionaire’s baby and be brought up with all of the luxuries that one could imagine and be isolated or treated so poorly that it does not matter because your vacation on planet earth is just one nightmare walking amongst priceless artifacts and long cold hallways.  I think that is why happiness has much less to do with economics than it does with community.

Anyway, back to my original issue.  The thing that is so tough right now is… well, several things… But, one of them is that there are questions that can only be answered by them and this is your last chance to ask them.  What is it that i need to ask?  Once they are gone, the information they hold in their brains goes too.  You only have this chance to ask all of the questions that only this one person can answer.  AND you can not think of the questions that should be asked.  (i think this is one of Murphy’s laws (btw… who the heck is Murphy anyway?? Poor bastard must have had the most frustrating life!!).

The other thing that is so tough is letting the sick person see that you are effected by their sickness.  I do not want to cry to their face because i am so gutted that i am losing one of the most important and influential people in my life.  I want to appear strong so not to scare them.  I do not want them to see how hard it is for me because i can only imagine how hard it is for them.

I feel like time is going in slow motion, yet it is blazing past me and with each minute that ticks by, is one less minute i am on earth with them.

I think it would be so much easier on our psyches if we knew what happened to us after passing.  If you are religious, you probably automatically believe what you are told to believe.  However, since we have other things that we experience here on earth that we have no explanation for that could possibly tie into our souls local’s upon vacating the body (such as remembering past lives, old souls and ghosts) that it adds a variable of the unknown and hope i think that something is in place for us.  I do not think we are comforted by the thought that after dying our soul just evaporates and vanishes.  How could something so strong as a soul which assisted our will to live while in life, and is invisible anyway, just disappear.  I think (maybe just for convenience) we like to think that there is a place for our souls to go after this life.  The not knowing is the tough part, but also i suppose the part that keeps us as simple people and not as the mighty “God” which i think in life, we forget sometimes.

I know i am not really making any specific point here, but i just need this to start the conversation that i have on loop in my head.   My dad is dying.  He is my best friend and probably the one single person that influenced who i have become more than anyone else so far in my life.  We all know it and we are talking about it (which is very strange when it is with the person who is doing the dying!)  I thought it would be more uncomfortable talking the hard real truth’s with him but now that we are here, it is not hard, it is just so scary and sad.

I know that this is just the natural cycle of life and that if it did not happen, then we would have something really to worry about!  But it doesnt make it any easier at all.  This is a game changer for me.  It is usually for most of us even if we do not have a very good or any relationship with our parent.

In what way my life and personality will be affected is unknown to me at this point.  In fact the impression will be so huge, i dare not even speculate, but i do know that it will change my life.

I suppose when we experience loss, in a way, the gods are clearing out our lives and throwing us out into the unfamiliar world again to start anew but with newly found or understood skills to make the next path taken with a slightly different approach or a different set of desires.

Usually when i find myself in these types of places of rebuilding after major loss, i have found that when it is time to get up and go after those things i want out of life, the wants and the things and the needs have changed.  Always they have simplified and become much more basic of wants and needs.  It allows you to appreciate all that you were unable to realize while spoiled and familiar with the past experiences.

I am not (obviously) not looking forward to the soon future without the protection and love and friendship of my dad, but i embrace who i will become and what he has taught me once he is gone.  I am just so lucky and blessed to be able to have the time now to ask those last important things as well as getting some things sorted out and understood which will make our job after he goes a lot easier and a lot less stressful.  For that i am eternally grateful!

Regardless, it sucks how much we miss the ones we love once they are gone!  At least, hopefully for me, the pain will help to create new art.  And i can say that it is because of my dad that i made it on this occasion!

I love you dad!!

My dad this past year. Love you Pops! (sorry for doing a post about you:)

our SF Giants are truly our Halloween super stars and the MLB World Series Champions in a complete sweep! GO GIANTS!!

SF Giants 2012 World Series Champions!

Today i wake up the fan of the 2012 World Series Champions in sweet San Francisco.  When we won in 2010, the city was electric.  We had waited over 50 years to win the championship and it was the first win since their move out of New York.  We had waited DECADES for that win and for those of us that have been lifetime Giants fans from the days when their record was not so strong and you had to freeze your behind off while paying $16 for bleacher seats at Candlestick Park to the super plush brand new winning record playing at SBC Park, the win was long overdue so, needless to say, that was very exciting!

However, here we are in 2012.  Just 3 seasons apart so the buzz of the 2010 win was still fresh and on (at least my) mind still.  Felt like it just happened yesterday.  But then i remember that last season, we lost Buster Posey to an injury early on in the season and we had not acquired several of our teams outstanding players yet to bring us to today… The perfect team.  The team of winning misfits.  I feel a little bit like the Giants represent what San Francisco used to be like more than it seems to be like today with their oddball characters and support through the diversity.

A well deserved moment of victory between Buster Posey and Sergio Romo.

Today, EVEN without Brian Wilson as one of our secret (not so) weapons, our San Francisco Giants 2012 postseason team may be the most epic eclectic group of talent that exists in baseball today.  From our MVP and one of the fan proclaimed mascots of our Panda (Pablo Sandoval), to Marco Scutero’s coming on strong when we needed him to and , of course the most epic all around player and maybe the league’s best catcher they’ve ever had Buster Posey, to the super intense Angel Pagan and super fast Gregor Blanco, to our new oddball and inspirational addition to our team Hunter Pence, and our local boy Brandon Crawford, …to our amazing pitching staff.  Lincecum, Cain, Bumgarner, Adfelt, Voglesong, the VERY deserving Barry Zito and the most awesome Wilson replacement closer Sergio Romo.  (Maybe it was the power of those dimples that made each close like lightning).  Regardless it was the perfect storm of come behind kids to world champ sweepers.

It is interesting that the Detroit Lions swept the NY Yankees and then we swept Detroit.  We were on a roll that no one could stop.  We fixed our glitch of being able to win post season at home and we were able to hold off any chance the Lions had of catching up by playing such tight baseball.

It was such an exciting post season, from the come from behind win with the Reds to the absolute tromping of Detroit, it was definitely the fan’s dream season.  It should be an AMAZING team next year with Wilson back on the roster and Milkey out of restriction.  I personally can not wait to watch.

Mattresses set on fire on Mission Street

I know this type of win often leads to mass hysteria and sometimes self destruction of their own winning city.  I never understood why this extreme happiness ends up in vandalism and destruction of their own city.  But, that is of course, what happened last night in the Mission.  Mattresses were set on fire (again!), city streets were flooded with people and shut down, and i even heard that they had a bus in SOMA that had a single passenger inside, where people had surrounded it and were on the roof jumping up and down and people around it pushing it from side to side.  It must have been utterly terrifying!  Why would we do this to another possible Giants fan and at least a SF visitor or resident?  We vandalized our small businesses and generally trashed our city.  So i guess there are a lot of rebel idiots left in San Francisco unless they (probably) came in as a bridge and tunnelers.  That would make more sense for outsiders to get wasted and trash NOT their city.  Regardless, i wish the citizens and fans in SF could try and show as much class and grace as our players and manager Bruce Bochy always do.  We need to work a little bit harder to show the same level of class as the team that incited that reaction in the future if you ask me.

vandalism on Mission St.

That is what i love and have always loved about our SF teams (both the 9ers and the Giants.  (We will see how the 9ers fair after their dodgy steal to Santa Clara and all their new big revenue increases in our boring but rich and jealous neighbors to the south.)

And, i have to give big props to the Detroit Tigers who put on a good series even though they never were able to get a footing.  Their GM interviewed after the loss spoke with more generosity, humility and class to the point that i felt that we were playing the right team.  Both teams were and are class acts and both deserved to be in the world series.  Detroit although did not win, did play a damn good season and will also be a team to watch again next year.

Regardless, SF Giants pride is brimming here in SF.  We can’t seem to win a World Series  game at home, but we don’t care here in San Francisco!  We await the victory parade which will take place on Halloween morning at 11:00 am.  It sure makes a last minute  Halloween costume of being a giants fan an easy one! ;) (We could just say that we came strait from the parade.)  However, i have a feeling that because these two events happen on the same day, we may see a new creative angle on the costumes that will grace our town. (for instance, a friend of mine is planning to be an orange Darth Vader with a SF Giants flag as the cape.  Dont steal the idea SF or i will not share these secrets in the future! ;).

San Francisco City Hall lit in orange in honor of becoming the World Series Champions of 2012! 10,000 people descended upon Civic Center plaza to watch and celebrate the SF Giants final game of 2012.

It will be a SUPER holiday on Wednesday October 31, 2012.  A holiday that is as perfect of a storm as Hurricane Sandy may turn out to be.  Only not in a scary way, but in a joyous and cosmic way, having our Halloween team be honored on Halloween!  We were not always the Halloween team because in 1989, we were in the world series in the middle of October instead of the end of October (remember that day with the battle of the bay that the earth shook?)  We think that the season had to be extended because teams had been added over the years making the season a little bit longer.

Our San Francisco Giants deserve all of the love and honor they have coming to them on Wednesday.  They are a GREAT team!  I personally think the best team we EVER have had.  In part because we are the team of the misfits that came together to create a force that was good enough to win it all.

CONGRATULATIONS SF GIANTS!! YOU HAVE MADE YOUR CITY OH SO PROUD YET AGAIN!  THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS!   We cant wait to see what we can do next year, but now, a well deserved rest i have a feeling is needed.

Until next season…. We are current WORLD CHAMPIONS yet AGAIN!!  WOO HOO! WAY TO GO GIANTS!

My big vacuum dilema. (Vacuum has got to be one of the worst spelled english words EVER!)

Shark pet perfect hand vacuum

So, i have a friend, and in all good faith, he was trying to help me out by giving me a hand and cleaning up a corner of my room (i had a cold and the trash can was a few feet away.. It seemed to create a tutu of missed trash around the dang can.  I am NOT ever trying out for the WNBA.  Dont worry.  But it was with my left hand in all fairness, but i digress….).  Mind you, this friend took it upon himself to chose to become useful.  I had not asked and in fact i was not even in the room at the time.

Anyway… bless his soul… he tried to do me a solid, however in the process, he managed to throw out the filter to my little (awesome) hand held shark vacuum.  To add insult to injury, he didnt fill me in and in fact, he may not have even known that it was in there, but i in turn, began vacuuming using it with NO filter.  Whatever was being sucked in was being shot right out the side at me.  I heard the motor make a couple not so friendly noises too while taking in the dirt.

Thus leaves me this dilema.  Do i try and find a new filter for the vacuum or do i buy a whole new vacuum?  It shouldn’t be a huge deal for the average person, but i live on a very fixed income being on disability so any $60 has to be well planned and necessary and will usually be sacrificing something else that is  needed.  So, i have to be very thoughtful when it comes to expenditures like this.

However, in the vacuum’s defense, it has been this little trooper that has kept my room the cleanest room in the house and it doesnt kill my back to vacuum.  In fact i have taken a sort of pleasure out of its cheap and easy return.  Kinda like paint… The biggest bang for the buck in construction!  So, to help me to keep the #1 position of awesomeness in the house by having a room people can actually walk barefoot in, i think that this is a qualified emergency necessity expenditure.

So, i found the filter.  The problem is is that i have to buy THREE!  Which makes it over half of the cost of a whole new vacuum.  In a year and a half, i have fastidiously taken a toothbrush (dont worry… i dedicated one to it specifically!) and after every emptying, i would brush the dust out so that it was actually still WHITE when it was disposed of!  In other words, i took good care of it and it had a long life left. …So, what on earth would i do with 3?  The filters i am sure would out last the vacuum!  And we cant forget that the motor has possibly been compromised by the lack of filter that should always be protecting it.  Not to mention that i broke the pet hair attachment months ago (dont ask me how!) so that is not in use either.

Well, after this long verbal brain thought, on paper, i think it is saying to just replace the whole dang thing.  And dont upgrade!  (that is often where i get into trouble.. i say i am just going to replace this and then there is that one that is just a little bit better for an additional $xx.)

So thank you all.  You have officially come along on one of Emelie’s problem solving thought processes.  It was boring as hell wasnt it?  lol!

But, if you have any thoughts of your own on my dilema, please comment!  I am still rolling it around in my head so one good point from someone could possibly tip the scales!

:)

BTW… GO GIANTS!! TAKING GAME 2 TONITE!!

Here is a photo hike around Bernal Hill at sunset with San Francisco looking oh so beautiful!

The bright flood light on the horizon is Candlestick park.

You for a rare change can see Mt. Diablo off on the left horizon.

This cute pair i stumbled upon, Ryan & Cassandra, who were driving the coolest 1970′s Mopeds!

One of their Mopeds parked on Bernal Heights Blvd.

Not only is this cool moped called “Swinger” but even more stylish, it is made by JC Penny’s!

The city beyond.

Downtown with the Bay bridge on the right.

The Eiffel Tower of San Francisco… Sutro Tower!

See the sky? It is fighting between day and night.

almost straight ahead (unable to be seen her but it is there!) the Golden Gate Bridge.

Mighty Sutro Tower atop Mt. Sutro (aka Twin Peeks)

Night has won the fight and the lights of the city have come on, but it is still somewhat light. I love this 5 minutes of the day!

And as soon as it comes, the light of day is gone and night is upon us. Looking at Sutro Tower from Holly Park, one of the oldest parks in the city.

I walk around my neighborhood almost every day so you all have seen some photos from this location.  The fantastic thing is that it has 360 degree views of San Francisco and it is filled with the nature.  Life could be worse!  I love you San Francisco!

Can San Francisco survive its mass sell out that has put it under seige? …Dont bother asking the Mayor!

 

When i get despondent about my beautiful city by the bay, i have got to remember that San Francisco is just like it always has been since its inception… trying to be cashed in upon. It has ALWAYS had someone who is or has attempted to be sell it out completely.  And why not?  It is a BEAUTIFUL place with so much charm and character and a beautiful warm/cool, colorful clean landscape with still hints of the wild left intact.  It also was rebuilt after 1906 at a time when there happened to be a LOT of money in this city and in the hands of a few hardcore business men. 

The ones who came to San Francisco knew where the real gold was, were the ones that stayed in town and provided the provisions that the huge new influx of inhabitants and travelers needed and cashed in.  Those in turn, many of them became the Grandfathers of what is the SF we know today.  Otherwise called The Argonauts.  Within this small grouping, a lot of the time they kept the money within the family, by lending it to nephews or marrying 2nd and 3rd cousins etc.  This is how my ancestors managed to maintain the wealth within this small group of tight knit Jewish Bavarian immigrants.  It also helped strengthen the faith and their durability and standing within the community.  This is true with a lot of different ethnic immigrant groups that settled in the city (think Italians in North Beach, Japanese in Japantown, Mexicans in the Mission etc.).  However, although settling with like faiths, this tiny 7×7 square mile town, it is so small, it is pretty much, where you can find a place that fits most of your needs that you can afford, you take it… and get to know other neighborhoods and cultures.

 It has been a battle since Sam Brannen made his claim while running through Portsmouth Square… …GOLD! … There is gold found in the American River!  A battle between those who make San Francisco why people love it so much, (they are the heart and soul that match the beauty and architecture), and those that see San Francisco as it also is… a great place that could easily be exploited to make themselves a lot of money.  The potential to make money here by selling out to big business and sweetheart deals to line one’s pockets will always be a vulunerability for a place like SF. 

The locals are stubborn steadfast fighters that are doing it out of survival and do not back down.  They are what puts the “active” into “activist”.  They know that they are only as strong as they are organized and committed.  They are fighting for all the right reasons and have had to pretty much non stop from one direction or another since the start.

The other is the big greed machine which is almost a force as well as a contageous disease that makes the ones it infects as addicted to it as a junkie to his fix.

There has to be a beautiful blend of the two… the residents that actually call this home, and the ones looking at it by means of how other ways they can bring in more people, and usually, richer, (and i hate to say it but i will… whiter) people who will be willing to pay more for this magical place. 

What the problem gets to be is that it is the mentality of the locals which is through their intelligence, humor, ease and creativity as well as acceptance of all things different and also their empathy for people in conditions different from their own.  They get forced out by the increased costs of living, (from mass transit, to rent or a coffee etc.)  Without the freedom filled free living locals with all of its nuts and unusual people as well as the bankers and lawyers and waitresses and cab drivers etc, it is closer to a Hollywood set than our little Bohemia by the sea!

When (hopefully if not when, but we are seriously running out of  room!) this beautiful world class city ( & loses all of those that put their heart and soul and time and love into making this that city), are gone, it will just be one GIANT gated community with fear humming from within Its sand colored walls.  It will lose its sparkle and innovation.  It will lose its soul.

This is what i am seeing and gets me so scared, but like always… like i said in the begining, SF has always been growing and becoming a modern beauty throughout its inception.  We just have to cross our fingers that so many locals have not left, that their army of activists has diminished to the point of not standing a chance, because i think that there is a point of no return where it will become an enclave of the rich and the rich alone. 

This city has always been known for being a super diverse place with a lot of sex and drugs and music and art.  It can not white wash it so that you get used to not having that element of acceptance, San Francisco will be done for. 

 

 

……

…that is until the next big earthquake.  It really unnerves those who have managed to maneuver their lives into such a controlled existence, that a percentage of them will and do run for the hills or at least back to wherever it is that they came from.  And then the locals will move back and start again…. Just like the cycle of life i hope!

 

 

By the way, this is a response that turned into an over-winded reply turned post to Mskatykins.  Thank you for being such a valued reader and always contributing to the conversation. Katykins… You are awesome!

I haven’t posted for almost a week… I haven’t forgotten you!

On rare occasion, my with drawl from my daily posts are not due to depression.  Instead, i go into this weird… i dont know, study period.  Usually a history research project or genealogy research that has been going on for the past 19 years.  Sometimes it is because i have become obsessed with a musician (Ellie Goulding for example right now) and have to see every posted live performance until i have tired and worn it out of my mind.  Sometimes it is due to socio-political issues going on in San Francisco… regardless to what it may be (today it was near-curent SF fires), i can not seem to get a focus on a specific point that i want to convey to the world.  These days, i feel it is better (although dont get me wrong!  I feel that guilt!  I should be posting every single day.) if i do not post drivel for a few days and instead see what this research dive leads to.  Sometimes it gives me immediate material for a relevant post.  Sometimes, it just sits in the back of my brain, waiting for the punctuation or punch line or whatever (i do not actually know… that is what the waiting is all about).

Lights (Ellie Goulding album)

Lights (Ellie Goulding album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I used to post every day in the begining,  but not have huge investment in what i was posting.  If i came across it and i found it cool or pretty or neato that minute, i would post it.  This was about the first two months.  You would get a few writings from me but majority was neat stuff or kinda interesting things that had nothing to do with anything.

One thing i decided early on though was,   I did not want this blog to just be a product pushing site.  I decided shortly after starting it that i needed to figure out what this blog was all about.  What i wanted to tell the world.  Who i wanted telling the world what.  It was decided by me that i wanted the majority (2/3 -3/4) be fully original written content (written by me) about what ever i may happen to want to talk about.  The other portion would be neat things that i feel that is cool enough or unique or funny enough to be passed on and re-blogs.  This way, i am much more discriminating towards the things that i pass on and take more time to have a voice of my own.

So dear readers, First off, let me just say thank you.  I dont need an audience to voice my own thoughts (i do it all the time in my room or walking along, but people usually interpret it as crazy!) but it sure is more satisfying to know that what you are talking about others are listening to too and maybe even commenting on!  It makes it so cool to have strangers from all over the globe (Katiekins in Scotland, John the Aussie etc) getting in on a conversation that is happening strictly due to the fact that all of us have an interest on talking about this or that.

It sometimes boggles my mind to know that more people hear me that are scattered around the world and that i have never actually met, than probably my family and friends! (at least through the blog). (i keep telling them to read it, and they say ok, but i doubt they remember or know how AWESOME my blog is that they are missing!)  Or maybe they dont realize that this is “me to the world”.  100% me to the world.  No product placements (if i ever get popular enough to get adds at the side to actually pay me, i am taking it!) but i wont be pushing this or that.  I wont be saying what every designer of every new thing is.  I wont be posting (many!) of those stupid sayings that are cool but everywhere and dont need to be preaching to my readers about.  What it will be is curent and hopefully funny sometimes and hopefully real all the time.

I am approaching my 1 year anniversary blog in November and since i started this last year, i have developed a really awesome audience that i feel is more like a group than an audience with me as just one of the people in it.  You all give me so much feedback and time commenting on your thoughts.  I think that is just so fucking AWESOME!!  You all are my first followers and that is a really special thing to me.  You will always be the ones to say, “i have been following that blog before she had 100 followers!”.  And that is kinda cool.  It is kinda cool to have my first group… the originals!… as my fellow conversationalists.

I will do my anniversary blog on the anniversary, but i am just going to say now (and again probably in the anniversary blog!) that all of you have really made this year special for me.  This blog is the thing that i feel most proud of this year.  It has been so rewarding to me (thanks to you!) that i can see myself continuing on on this journey for a long time to come….

So… if you dont hear from me for a few days, i am not gone forever.  You have made that impossible for me to want to do!  Just know, the wait should be worth it.  At least i am not just adding bs filler to cover my ass!

:)

Emelie and Arthur! 2012

(ps.. dont mind the mess along side of the bed! :)

A little bit late i know, but i still must introduce our newest family member… Introducing…

Finochio!  In true old school fashion of true San Francisco of days past.  He reminded us of the amazing dragqueens at the old classic Finochio’s.  He is so beautiful!  He is a little guy too!  He i think would be the type of fish that would eat any other fish in the bowl (or at least fight the hell out of it!)  We have to only put his “exercise mirror” in his bowl for 5 or 10 minutes a couple times a day.  I dont want him to give him a type A, heart attack candidate type anxiety issues.  He did not sleep for almost 3 days straight the first day i brought him home because i dont think he had ever seen a mirror.  It was a magnified mirror i realized finally and figured he might be on High Alert!! all the time which would be very stressful too… thinking that a fish bigger than you was mimic-ing every move… I’d be aftaid to sleep too!

Anyway, because of his many different colors in different light, i give you Finochio!  (they are all the same fish…just different light:

Finochio our new fish!

…Also Fincohio!

Sitting here holding my breath, enjoying the last moments of the old world.

Sometimes when i dont write, it is because i am not sure how to describe how i feel or maybe where i feel i (we) are right now.  It feels like we are in the middle of two peaks.  The lul if you will.  An in between time.  A pause in the old world right before the world changes.  And i feel that the world is about to really change.

I sit here almost mourning it.  As if it has already come and gone.  It hasen’t, but it will be soon.  This i know.  So i just sit here.  Enjoying, absorbing, living every second.  It is bitter sweet in a somewhat melancholy way.  It shouldn’t be.  But it is none the less.

This is a really hard thing to try and put into words and i dont know if i have been able to in any sort of cohesive way that anybody might be able to understand, but i just tried.  

If i have made no sense to you, chalk it up to another crazy ramblings post.  If you know what i mean, then, sit back and enjoy the time, now, before the world is to change!

My days as a child sure are different than they would have been now, but i am thankful and they taught me a LOT!

 

 

Pete and me and my blanky and waldo. circa 1978

I was born in the early half of the 1970′s.  Things were SO different back then.  Not the obvious… I played as a kid, i went to school, i did the family obligations, i had friends, i went to sports practice and games and girl scouts… you get the picture….

What was so different is HOW i played as a kid, and Why i went to school, and What my family obligations were etc.

It was a much slower time back then.  AND a time with SO MUCH LESS unwarranted fear.  So much more communication and planning.

You couldn’t just go by the ATM machine when you got low on cash, you had to make sure that you made it to the bank before 4:30 and if not, you wrote a lot of checks (and probably cashed one at the grocery store!).

You had to have LOTS of patience when trying to reach someone, because, the answering machine had not been invented, nor the cordless phone.  This meant that you let the dang thing ring for at least 30 rings just incase they were in the yard, bath etc. There was no caller ID so if you just missed the call, you would have to just sit there wondering who it was and if and when they might call back.

Back then, we could play unsupervised.  This meant OUTSIDE.  Now, we had markers that were supposed to corral us into not wandering too far (not farther than the field at the end of the Petersen’s lot type thing), but this freedom gave us not only the freedom to adventure and discover, but it gave us an independence that i think carries into the rest of our lives.

Things just moved slower because they had to!  Which ultimately meant we all lived with more patience.  You had to have patience because if you needed to reach someone, you just had to wait, hope and keep trying.

Meals were simple and nutritious.  You know, like a lunch with a pbj sandwich, carrot sticks, cheese and crackers and a milk or juice or something to that effect.

I remember as a kid, you had to get creative (in your own mind!) when it came to playing inside.  We had no video games, or vcr’s or dvd’s.  For god sake, we did not even have any cable tv.  We had 3 network tv channels and 1 public broadcasting station.  THATS IT!  so, tv was not really that much of a deal.

Instead, we had things, like board games, and Light Bright and even musical instruments to have a marching band through the house.  My brother had a chemistry set and an erector set that we would play with and i had Linkon Logs and a tutu!

I would go picking wild flowers and then leave them on the front porch and ring the doorbell and run and hide every May 1 (may day!). And i was sure that my mom couldn’t have known who had done it! lol.

We had a dog and a cat and a bunch of fish, a few hamsters, a gunny pig and a few turtles not to forget a couple of parakeets over the years.  My dog and cat were with me my entire childhood so they were also played with a lot.

I still played with dolls (which i would walk down to the creek in their little stroller:) but i also played with Star Wars action figures with my friends usually the boys.

I lived deep in the redwood forest near Santa Cruz, so i was more isolated than most of my friends that lived in town… So, it was somewhat lonely for me out there and what i am sure i would have said extreem bordom… but that ended up being beneficial to me to have lived through, now in modern time.  It allows me to escape into isolation and enjoy it.

We had respect and even a little fear of our parents.  Not because they ever beat or hurt us, but because we did not want to disappoint them!  We had chores.  A bunch of them that we had to do before we could make plans or go out and play.

If we were bored, my mom would say, “well, you could clean your room or read a book.”  …I managed to find something to do…. :)

The thing that i think my childhood did for me was, teach me that if you work hard, you deserve to reward yourself but not the other way around.   And that it is up to me to be responsible and reliable and honest.  And if i am, i should feel good about myself no matter what the successes and failures i may encounter.

I was taught to love, and trust (when it is earned) and to show respect.  Not only to myself but to others around me.

I was taught not to be ungrateful for what i dont have because SO many people on this plannet would do anything just to have those same situations… and that things could always be worse so look on the bright side.

Most importantly, i was taught not to take for granted so much that i am so blessed for.   We get so caught up in all the things that we cant have or didnt get or achieve…

That is not the way to see the world.  If you are healthy and have people who love you and do not have to live in constant fear and have the freedom to make your own decisions, then …LIFE IS GOOD!!

Take that with you today.. It is so easy for us to get bogged down and feel the weight of all of the bs of life on our shoulders, but for one day, dont.   Dont let it get you down, because you have got it REAL GOOD!!  Enjoy it for a day for a change!  All that bullshit will still be there waiting for you tomorrow… take a day off and enjoy this beautiful planet with all of its beautiful life and colors and forms.  Simplify.  Life really is good even if you have a bunch of bills that need to be paid!

:)